The Vampire Diaries
by Shakespeare's Lady
Summary: When you are the most unique person in the world, what is your life like? This is a look into Renesmee's life as a teenager. She tries to be a normal teen, but her uniqueness keeps getting in the way. Renesmee's POV. ******ON HIATUS*****
1. March 30

March 30

Dear Diary,

Today I had cheerleading tryouts for the fall. It went off with almost no incidents. The only error was gripping a girl's foot a little too hard while she was on my shoulder. I didn't break it, only bruised. I am still learning how to control my strength. Dad says I'll get the hang of it. It's easy for him; he's been a vampire for over a century. Even mom mastered it. I know when she was turned she was stronger than dad. But that faded somewhat. She can still beat him in arm wrestling. It's hilarious to watch.

After tryouts, Sally and I went for a bite. As I am half-human, I do eat food. I prefer drinking blood but know that would cause unwanted attention, not to mention freak Sally out. And I _do_ like some human food, mainly French fries. Yum! They are the best! The school cafeteria is so-so. I usually eat from the salad bar, like mom did when she was human. Occasionally I'll have a burger or slice of pizza, but generally it'll be greens and fruit.

I love apples. I don't know why. They taste so good, sweet and tangy at the same time. Mmmm…my mouth waters just thinking about them. It's like I have some connection with apples. Mom laughed when I mentioned it but didn't elaborate. She just looked at dad lovingly. They are SO weird sometimes.

I heard them again last night, going at it. I swear, mom must be sore from what dad does to her. Last time I passed by their room, they were assessing the damage of their headboard. That's the fourth one they've broken! The way they moan and groan, grunt and yell, you would think there was something wrong. But I know better. It makes me smile actually, makes me happy to know that they are very much in love and wanting to share all of their love with each other physically. I, of course, have no romantic interest in dad (no Electra complex here!) but I do know that he is fit. Dad has a body, I often see mom ogling him. And he makes no secret of ogling her either, touching her and holding her. Sometimes I wish they'd get a room, but most of the time it's sweet. I hope I find someone like that.

I'm supposed to be betrothed to Jacob. But dad told me to take it easy. He told me to have fun and date boys my age. I love Jacob dearly, but he's like a big brother to me. I don't know how I'm supposed to love him romantically. But as mom points out, things change.

Prom is coming up. I _really_ want David to ask me out. He is _so_ hot! I know he finds me drooling over him, but I can't help it. It's no wonder he's captain of the wrestling team, with the muscles he has. I can't help but wonder how it would feel to be in his arms, pressed against his chest, my lips on his. Lol. I'm getting ahead of myself, he doesn't know I exist! But if he did, we'd give mom and dad a run for their money!

Well, I'm signing-off. Dad just came by my room and asked if I wanted to go hunting. I never pass up an opportunity to spend time with him. I'll talk to you later!


	2. April 4

April 4

Dear Diary,

Prom is less than a month away; still no date. I found out that David is gay so I won't be going with him. Apparently, he's seeing one of the guy cheerleaders, Chris. I laughed when I found out. Really not too disappointed; what was I expecting? My first clue should have been when he complimented my burgundy Ugg boots two weeks ago.

I have decided not to buy a dress unless I need to; no sense wasting the money. I know Aunt Alice is itching to take me shopping, and my parents wouldn't care, but I do. I _try_ to be frugal. That's only human.

Speaking of being human, Sally knows. She is my best friend; I had to tell her. She is so cool; she knows that I won't hurt her so there's no reason for her to be afraid. She laughed and said she wondered how I was able to lift two girls during cheerleading tryouts without flinching. I told her she should watch me when I help dad make improvements on the house. I can't wait for us to have a slumber party; I promised to let her win a pillow fight. She is _aching_ for one. Plus, we haven't talked about boys in so long. And I want to play w/makeup and do our hair. I never get enough girl time, even with Alice as my aunt. She has Uncle Jasper and other things to occupy her time. Mom is around, but busy with work. There is a big project due at the end of the month that she is stressing about.

Oh, speaking of tryouts, I made the team!!! I kind of expected I would with my strength and all, but it's still exciting to know. Sally and I are going to have _so_ much fun in the fall. And I'll look so cute in my cheerleading outfit. I hope some cute guys arrive for me to flirt with.

Yes, I'm vain. I get that from Aunt Rosalie. She taught me to appreciate my beauty and flaunt it for the world to see. Let's face it, not many people are as pale-skinned as I, much less have red hair and brown eyes. Kaitlyn's group said I look like a freak, but I've been told I'm beautiful. I tend to believe Aunt Rosalie and my family, but there are days when it's hard. Especially when I look at Kaitlyn. She is _so_ beautiful; blond hair, blue eyes, perfect skin, big breasts. How can I compete with that? I can't. But Aunt Rosalie told me to be happy with what I was given. I am, after all, the most unique child in the world. That is something Kaitlyn doesn't have.

I am flunking math. I can't seem to understand it. My human brain doesn't process algebra. How the hell does a + b =c? IT MAKES NO SENSE! And don't even get me started on invisible numbers. How did _that_ come about? If something's imaginary, you can't see it! How can you prove it even exists? Course, people say the same about werewolves and vampires, but you can see us. We may try to blend in, but we exist. Imaginary numbers don't! Dad has a good math brain; he gets frustrated that I don't get it. I can't help it! I prefer writing and singing as opposed to adding and subtracting. I tried to get out of taking it, citing that I would never need it in everyday life, but both parents refused. They seem to think I'll learn to like it. I'll show 'em.

That's enough of my rant for now. Gotta do my algebra!


	3. April 21

April 21

Dear Diary,

So I finally got asked to prom by Stephen Newton…Mike Newton's son. Dad laughed when I told him. I didn't know the story about Mike; how he pursued mom and wanted her. Dad read his mind and saw all the sexual things Mike wanted to do to mom. It made dad jealous; one of his first human emotions. He said that it was typical that Newton's spawn would be interested in anything having to do with Bella. But dad let me go, citing he was going to have fun.

You should have seen it when Stephen showed up at our house. Just dad opening the door had him scared! Dad decided it would be fun to mess with Stephen's head, so he purposely had black eyes when he opened the door. Scared the shit out of Stephen too! And then when he asked if he wanted a bite, he flashed his teeth meaning 'do _you_ want a bite?' It was so funny! I know he was just doing it for fun, but a part of me wonders if it's his way of getting revenge on Mike.

He wore a blue tie to match my royal blue dress. I wore gold shoes with it and a gold chain. My hair was swept up but some curls cascaded down. My makeup was minimal, but nice. Aunt Alice was _so_ excited to finally get to play dress up with me. She thinks I'm a doll or something.

And then when mom went to take our picture, Stephen put his arm on my shoulder. Dad growled and said 'the only place to put your hand is in your pocket.' When Stephen hesitated, dad showed his teeth again. Poor Stephen. I don't think I'll get to hang out with him again, dad scared him too much.

When Stephen and I danced, he held me at arm's length. He gingerly put his hand on my shoulder. I told him 'dad's not here, you can touch me you know.' That did nothing to calm him. He shook his head furiously and kept me at arm's length. He told me later that dad would be watching him. I'm guessing he meant that dad would be reading his thoughts. But I know dad trusts me and wouldn't interfere.

It's actually great not being like other girls. I know some of them are worried about being raped. While this is definitely something to worry about, I know that if someone tried it on me I'd crush them. In fact, I kind of wish they would try it. Maybe that makes me a sociopath. But think about it; I'm half-vampire. I have vampire strength and speed. I drink blood. If a guy tried to sexually assault me, I could knock his head off without even thinking or press my teeth to his neck. What a lesson to the would-be rapist! Mess with Renesmee Cullen and you're dead! Mwahahahahaha!

But then there are things I wish I could do that normal girls do, like eat a lot. I try not to eat a lot of food, but it would be fun to gorge once and awhile. And to tan! I don't sparkle in the sunlight like mom and dad do, but my skin is constantly pale. I once spent all day outside, sunup to sundown and only got a little color. I was so mad because I hate the outdoors; I only did it so I didn't look so sickly. Jacob kept me company so I had fun, but at the end of the day all I had was a little color on my shoulders and nose.

Also, normal girls wear a lot of makeup. I know I don't have to so I don't, but I think it would be fun to try it. I wore some to prom, but mom stopped me before I added blue eye shadow. I told her it'd match my dress, but she was insistent. "Blue eye shadow is tacky. You don't need it." I think she may confiscate my makeup kit so I can learn to appreciate natural beauty. But I _want_ to be like normal girls, even if I'm not. It may be great to have my super speed and strength, but sometimes I wish I could just bleed or risk death or gorge or whatever to prove I'm alive. Normal girls don't hunt animals for food to drink their blood, don't have super strength and speed, can tan with not much help, and don't have a werewolf following them around. I wish that was me.

Lately, I've been wishing that I wasn't a freak.


	4. April 25

April 25

Dear Diary,

I feel like a freak. No one else is like me. Some days I have no problem being the most unique person in the world and other days I hate it. I've hated it a lot lately. I can't do some things that normal girls do.

My stupid strength keeps getting in the way. On the way home from school yesterday, I noticed a stranded passenger. I pulled over to help her and lifted the car up so she could get the tires off. She stared at me. After the donut was put on, she hurried away. Didn't even bother thanking me. I know that I shouldn't have exposed myself like that, but the least she could have done was acknowledge my generosity. It bothered me for the rest of the day. Dad said that it was a slip, but nothing to worry about. He said that she'll probably tell her friends and people will think she's delusional. I _hate_ when I slip up. Makes me feel that I am unworthy of being a Cullen.

Another problem I have is my speed. In gym class we are running. I can scale the entire track in ten seconds, but of course that wouldn't do. So I try to run at human speed, since I can, and that takes _forever_. Finally I just decide to walk, but even that is too fast. Sally has to jog to catch up to me. And then I get these funny looks from my classmates.

Sally wants to have a "girls week" in Los Angeles this summer. Sun…great. I reminded her that I'm half-vampire; I don't tan. She actually asked me if I will combust. She seemed to think that would be great entertainment! I told her no and I don't sparkle either. Of course, she had _no_ idea what I was talking about. I'll have to have her see mom sparkle for her to understand. Course, it'll probably freak her out, but at least she'll get it.

So I don't know what to do. Mom and dad are cool w/me going; they want me to experience as much as possible. They don't seem to think it's that big a deal that I can't tan. They seem to think that if I lay out on the beach in LA days at a time that I will. I've been thinking of spray tan. But knowing my luck, I'll be orange. That'll clash w/my hair and eyes.

I _hate_ my looks. My red hair and brown eyes; where the hell did that come from? I'm considering getting colored contacts and maybe coloring my hair. I can see dad now "you are the most unique child in the world, why would you want to look like everyone else?" And my response "you're the one who told me to live, to have experiences. You told me to blend in. I didn't before, I do now." Aunt Alice would probably _love_ to take me to a salon and get me made up and my hair cut and colored. Her hair doesn't grow anymore, obviously, so any chance she gets to play make-believe is fine with her. If she colored her hair, it would probably stay. No growth equals constant fake color. But I _love_ Aunt Alice's brown hair, just as I love Aunt Rosalie's blond hair. I'm just not happy with mine. I'm a teenager, you know. I'm trying to find myself. I'm sure I'll appreciate it later, but not now.

Contacts freak me out though. I hate the idea of bringing something so close to my eye. And it's not like I need to see better; my vision is perfect. Even in the dark. I don't know if I can get contacts purely for cosmetic purposes or not. I'll have to see if Grandpa Carlisle has any connections or any ideas. But when I look in the mirror, I don't see beauty. I see ugliness, grossness. I am tired of being the way I am. I am tired of being half-human, half-vampire.


	5. May 2

May 2

Dear Diary,

Guess what? I changed my hair! Mom and dad were _so_ pissed. Mom thought it was an insult to dad because she loves his bronze-colored hair. I said it wasn't an insult; I'm just tired of it. I have a right to change things if I want to. So now it's brown. I cut most of it off, pixie cut. I look like Aunt Alice. You should have seen her eyes light up when she saw me! And of course, Aunt Rosalie was annoyed. She thought I should have gone blond. I pointed out that blonds do not have brown eyes; I can't go blond until I get contacts. Being Rosalie, she "humphed!" and walked out, smacking Uncle Emmett with the door. You should have heard him whine! Hilarious!

I am planning on the colored contacts, but will wait a little bit. I don't want to give any of them heart attacks. Even though their hearts don't beat, I don't want them to drop dead from shock. I figure after the summer is over.

I bought my first bikini the other day. It's blue with white polka dots. _So_ cute! I wanted the one piece, but Grandma Esme persuaded me to buy one. She said "you have a body, love. You need to show it off." I told her bikinis were for girls with boobs and that is not me. She just shook her head. She hates that I don't see my beauty that I supposedly have. She is totally with mom and dad on that. Anyways, as I tried it on, some guys walked by and started cat-calling me. Talk about embarrassing! But then Grandma Esme had to say something to them. I was mortified! I can't blame old age on her as she is barely in her thirties, but geesh! Why did she have to say anything? I thought my rolling of my eyes was good enough.

We had an informational meeting for cheerleading today. It was pretty boring; just what we are expected to do. Uh…cheer? That would be my guess. We also got fitted for our outfits and told we will be attending cheerleading camp in July. I knew that was coming, but it still puts a damper on my plans. I wanted to have the whole summer to learn to play Uncle Emmett and Uncle Jasper at chess. They won't play with dad because he cheats, so they figure his offspring will work. Little do they know that I excel at strategy. If I can't learn it this summer, no big deal. I'll learn on the days when I don't have cheerleading.

I _am_ excited though for camp. From what the other girls were saying, we learn a lot of cheers and bond. We also get time to shop and talk about boys! A few of the girls are thinking of organizing a dance and forcing the guys from band to show up. I always wanted to dance with a band geek; maybe I'll get my chance.

I heard mom and dad _again_ last night. I swear, I'm going move to the basement. There was a huge BANG at one point. I thought someone was hurt until I heard dad laugh hysterically. I have no idea what the hell they are doing to be so noisy. Isn't sex supposed to be quiet? I don't know, I'm a bit sheltered. Maybe I should watch them some night so I get an idea for when I get married. But that's creepy. I'm sure Aunt Rose would have no problem telling me; that's where I got my basic knowledge. She and Uncle Emmett make no secret of their passion for each other. Jasper and Alice are passionate too, but they _try_ to be quiet. Emmett and Rosalie, mom and dad don't. Maybe they want me to hear that they are so in love. As I said before, it does make me happy. They could be yelling and throwing things like Sally's parents. I'd much rather hear mom yell "Oh God, Edward!" than be saying "Get out Edward!" And you don't even want to know what I hear dad yell.

Gotta go. Algebra calls!


	6. May 15

May 15

Dear Diary,

I have decided to go to LA w/Sally and the girls. It will be a total of six of us: Sally, Lisa, Carmen, Susan, Adora and me. I love all of them so I don't foresee a problem. Sally is the only one who knows I'm a freak and she wouldn't tell anyone without my okay. And I really don't want the others to know. I love Susan to death, but she has a big mouth at times. Loves to gossip. She would be Miss Popular if she found out what I was and blabbed it all over school.

And yes, I called myself a freak. That is my official definition of myself. Mom got _so_ mad when I said it in front of her. I swear, you would think being a vampire was an awesome thing, not a curse. They act like it's a blessing they've been given. Well, mom does. Dad does at times, but I remember stories he told me when he felt that vampirism was like an incurable disease. I know he also has a hard time believing he has a soul. But I know both he and mom do. They don't hunt people and they love each other and me. That makes them good. They are not bad vampires.

There are some bad ones passing through the area. Uncle Jasper smelled them the other night playing baseball. We didn't see them, but he took off running. He said that they passed through, but to still be careful. We don't want rogue vampires giving us a bad name. Then we have to deal with the Volturi. I sometimes think they believe I will cause harm, even though I won't. I'm sweet and innocent, not at all violent.

I am glad that the end of the semester is coming up. I really, really hate algebra. Mom ended up getting me a tutor so I'm doing better, but I still don't understand the crap. I'm guessing I'll pass with a C or C-. Works for me, just so long as I don't have to take it again. Then stupid Susan had to open her big mouth and say that I'll have to take it in college. Aaarrggghhh! Sometimes I want to sink my teeth into her throat (sweet and innocent my ass).

Stephen Newton started talking to me again. He said his dad _still_ has a thing for my mom. It's kind-of sick actually; they've been out of school for so long and she's been happily married to dad that you would think he'd get a clue. But apparently not. His marriage to Margaret, Stephen's mom, didn't work out. I've seen Margaret; she looks a lot like mom, or did when she was human. She's got brown hair and brown eyes. Margaret was taller though and not very smart (she married Mike, what do you expect?). Stephen looks like his dad. Anyways, Stephen found a journal that Mike has been writing in and he's been mentioning mom a lot. Like how he hopes he can show her a good time in bed, where he'd like to take her on their first date, etc. It's creepy.

I refuse to tell dad. Even though his temper is lot better than it used to be, he would still kill him on general principles. Dad is _very_ possessive when it comes to mom and me. But especially mom. Even though she is a great vampire, he still sometimes sees her as a fragile human. Usually that's when mom kicks his butt. She tells him "I'm not human anymore; you don't have to act like I'm breakable." He used to refer to her as "silk over glass." I think it's sweet how possessive he is. I know some people would be creeped out by it, but I'm not. That's the way dad is. It means he cares.

Uncle Emmett wants me to go hunting with him on Saturday. I'm looking forward to it as I've never been. I've heard that he loves hunting bears and we're going to a place with an abundance of black bears. Dad thinks Emmett needs to get over his obsession, but dad himself prefers mountain lions. When I hunt, I usually go for deer. At least for now. I'm sure I'll find something else. Wolf sounds appetizing, but then I think of Jacob.

Speaking of which, he's been hanging around a lot lately. He didn't like dad telling me to go to prom with whomever I felt like. He will have to grow up and deal with it though. Just because I'm supposed to be "betrothed" to him doesn't mean anything! Both my parents tell me I can fall in love and marry whomever I want! Human, vampire or werewolf. The decision is up to me. Jacob may think we're meant to be, but he also thought the same about mom. And she chose dad. I don't want to hurt him, but what will be will be.

Sally called about making LA plans. Ciao for now!


	7. May 20

Dear Diary,

Sally and I got into a fight today. I told her she needed to understand what I am; that I am a freak. No matter how you look at it, I am a freak. She said I'm not. "You're unique," she told me. I said yeah, no one else is like me. No one else has parents who are vampires. No one else drinks blood, has very pale skin or super strength. I complained that I wanted to be a normal teenager. She thinks I should embrace my uniqueness. She said it's boring being normal. I do things that no one else does. I should be happy about it, not wanting to rebel against what I am.

God, why does she have to do this? I want someone to sympathize with me! And it's not like I can talk to my family about this; since they are all vampires too. I can't even talk to Grandpa Charlie because he is "unaware" of what we are (personally, I think he knows. He just won't admit it). The only one who might sympathize is Aunt Rosalie and even then she'll turn it around on her. She'll make it about how she didn't have a choice to be a vampire, yadda, yadda, yadda. NEITHER DID I! I didn't ask for this; I was born this way, which in itself is a feat. Vampires aren't supposed to have children. Leave it to dad to be the one to do it!

I know that they wish they were human at times, but they're not. And they all seem to have this figured out. Even mom. She is still considered a "newborn" of sorts, but she seems to _love_ her immortality. She is so graceful when she hunts, so much different than me. I make noise and scare the animal off. I have only caught _one_ on my own. The rest have been caught by my parents. Grandpa Carlisle said it's fine, that I'll get the hang of it, but it still bothers me. Shouldn't I be doing this on my own now? Shouldn't dad and I have competitions as to who can get the kill first? Shouldn't I be able to take down a bear like Uncle Emmett?

So yeah, Sally doesn't understand. I'm sure she thinks my strength and speed are Godsends; things that I should love. But when you have a hard time controlling your strength, it's not a good thing. When you are worried that you can take a person's head off with the flick of a wrist? Not cool. I can control it up to a bit, but with cheerleading going to start soon, I have to make sure I don't injure or kill someone. Nothing like exposure! I can see it now: the Cullens leave Forks, Washington because the freak of the family, Renesmee, can't control her strength. She accidentally killed a girl when doing a back flip. Her foot flew a little far to the left and smacked one of them in the face, breaking her bones and smashing her brain into little pieces. Yeah, that would be me.

I may try to talk to Uncle Jasper about my issues. He is so calm and gentle, he would probably understand. And if not, at least he can use his powers and calm _me_ down in the process. But nothing will help me fix my fight with Sally. I'm sure she is wondering what made me blow up at her. I know it's not her fault, but I feel like nobody can understand. She's my best friend; she accepted me for who I am when I told her. She embraced my freakishness and accepted it in stride. If she isn't my friend, how do I know she'll keep quiet? She may tell people about my family and I can't have that. A part of me thinks she would do that out of revenge, but the bigger part of me knows she wouldn't. Regardless of everything, she is still a good person. I don't think she would deliberately hurt me. And we have shared so much over the years.

Yes, I need to talk to her and right my wrong. I can't fight what I am, but maybe I can _finally_ start to embrace it.


	8. May 22

Dear Diary,

Sally and I made up! Yea! I told her I understood her point and she told me the same thing. She said that she'll try to be more sympathetic to my "uniqueness" and I'll try to harp on it less. I understand that it's hard for her listening to my bitching all the time.

And really, why am I? I should embrace the fact that I'm different from the rest, I know that. But that is not necessarily a good thing. It makes me a target for the Volturi.

They continue to check on me. They want to make sure I'm not a threat. Dad says it's okay; it is evident that I grow and my heart pumps and blood flows through my veins. That in itself makes me safe; but that in itself also makes me a target. Because I am half-human, the Volturi see me as a threat. They saw mom as a threat when she was human. She tried to convince them that she loved my dad and would never reveal what we were; but they didn't care. They liked the idea of carnage. I am worried that they will want the same for me. I am not a threat in the least; but try convincing them of that! The battle for my life before was quite a challenge; mom had Jacob ready to take me and run. She was prepared to die for me. I know that parents are supposed to be that way, but I can't imagine life without mom and dad.

I assume that after a certain amount of time, my aging will stop. My growing has already; I've been in a sixteen-year-old body for about three years. I've only now reached the age of sixteen. I asked dad how he likes being trapped in that body. He told me "it has its good days and its bad days." He went on to say that he likes looking young; he can fool people with his knowledge. But he also wishes he could age to reflect that same knowledge. I, personally, don't want that to happen to him. If it does, he'll die! He's already over 100, if made human he'd probably collapse immediately! No, I like him how he is. Although trapped in a seventeen-year-old shell for years, it's that same shell that is vibrant and keeps him safe. I much prefer mom and dad in their younger-than-average bodies. I know we may have to relocate soon; I'll deal with it when it comes. But the good thing about looking so young is that we can fool people for awhile. We can say that we're in our twenties; people won't know by looking at us.

That's my plan, at least. When my aging officially stops, I will continue to get older until a suitable age. I'm thinking 25. The good thing about that? I am officially an adult. No one can say anything to me if I step into a bar or go to vote or hold a job; I will be an adult in every sense of the word!

But until that comes, I will continue to age. Maybe as I mature I won't think of myself as a freak. Although I find that unlikely. Dad struggled with his immortality; isn't it only natural that I should as well? And he wasn't half-human! Think of how it is for me! He struggled with acting human when he wasn't; I have to struggle with acting human when I'm half. I have to struggle with strength and speed, pale skin and thirst for blood, all the while craving chocolate and boys! It's a no-win situation. Dad thought _he_ had it rough? He didn't know about human emotions for 90 years. He didn't know what jealousy was or undying love. And he handled it pretty well when it first hit him. He isn't sixteen; dealing with stupid schoolgirl crushes and daydreams about kissing that certain guy. He isn't pining away over someone he can't have; isn't kissing his picture to sleep every night, wishing desperately to "fall" into his arms and never be let go. He isn't wishing that he would someday out of the blue approach and ask if he can take you to the movies. He isn't hanging on his every word, hoping to hear your name, no matter what the situation is. It is _much_ harder for me. And it's times like this when I wish I could read minds.

Although I promised Sally not to bitch about it too much, I will continue to fight against this "uniqueness" that surrounds me. This…dare I say it…curse?


	9. June 1

Dear Diary,

"School's out for summer." Yea! Summer break! I _can't_ wait. It's going to be so fun! We leave for LA soon, cheerleading camp starts in July and Uncle Emmett has challenged me to a week of chess games in August!

I've decided to take the bikini that I bought to LA, even though I _know_ I won't get a tan. But at least I'll look cute! We are going to walk along the Hollywood Walk of Fame and take pictures of our favorite stars (Carmen is dying to get one of Leonardo DiCaprio) and ride around Beverly Hills looking for celebrities. We probably won't see any though. I'm planning on asking Aunt Alice if she sees us meeting any of them. I just want to take a lot of pictures and have a great time.

OMG, I have to tell you about last night! Sally and I went to the movies and saw Susan there flirting with some guy named Woody. Woody is to die for! Captain of the football team, president of the honor society, you get the drift. Anyways, he is dating Amber, the head cheerleader (she is _such_ a bitch!) and he was totally focused on Susan. I think he may be cheating on Amber now. Sally thinks that he's been doing it for awhile. There have been rumors swirling and Amber is that stupid to figure it out. And yes, she _is_ that stupid. She actually asked in class once if gravity was a magical force! It was such a stupid comment, but totally Amber! Of course, we never let her forget it. So yeah, it wouldn't surprise me at all if she really hasn't heard the rumors. And believe me; Susan was really into it with Woody. I don't think that she really wants him, but anything she can do to mess with Amber is okay with her.

See, Amber totally broke Susan's brother's heart. He was totally in love with her and she dumped him for Woody. She flaunted Woody in his face. Susan has been very protective of her family since her father left. She is kind of the mother figure since her mother works all the time. And Chris, her brother, totally fell for Amber. Chris is older than Susan but totally incompetent. He was used to being catered to, so simple tasks like laundry escape him. He's going to have to learn when he goes off to college in the fall, but that incompetency lies with Susan. She should have never let him get so spoiled. But, it's not my issue.

Susan has been trying to find the perfect way to get revenge on Amber and it looks like she may have found it. Sally and I had a good laugh as we walked into the movie, but both of us are worried. Amber has powerful friends; I'd hate to see what happens if she finds out. Woody cheating is one thing; finding out it was a plot is something else.

Mom and dad don't want me dependant on anyone, especially them. I know they love me, but they want me to live life and not ask for anything. They said that if I go off to college, I can go anywhere and they want me to be able to cook and clean and do laundry and change a tire and build things and install windows and play chess and you name it! I told them I'd like to learn to gamble and they looked at each other. I don't think they agreed with that, but I really want to learn blackjack. I'm sure Uncle Emmett will teach me.

I'm also thinking that when I get of legal age, I should get a job. Mom had one at seventeen working with Mike Newton (don't even get me started!). She works now, along with Grandpa Carlisle. He got her a job in the financial department of the hospital. They are the only ones who do, but I want the experience as well. I think they would be _so_ proud when I come home with my first paycheck. I know that we have a ton of money already, but I want to earn some, to make them proud of me. Other teenagers do it and I want to say that I bought a car with _my_ money, not theirs.

I'd also like to get a car. To be inconspicuous, I want a used one. You should have heard Aunt Rosalie flip when I said that. "You will be given a brand new car, Nessie. We can get you whatever you want. There is no way that you will get a used car. Just the idea of that makes me sick." She acted like she was appalled at that idea. She can be so selfish at times. I want a used car to blend in with the others at school; it doesn't mean I'm not a Cullen. But I suppose that a Cullen not having a new car at Forks High School would be suspicious. I can't win for trying!

Mom knocked. Dad is leaving for the weekend with Uncle Jasper; they have some super-secret retreat they're going on. Gotta go; I'm dad's princess!


	10. June 3

Dear Diary,

I just got back from the best date of my life! Nathan was _so_ sweet and charming…and old fashioned! Did not see that coming! He held the door for me and kissed my hand and was a perfect gentleman. Does that even still exist?! I thought not, but Nathan proved me wrong!

He showed up around seven carrying lilies; my favorite flower. Mom let him in and he kissed her hand and was _so_ polite. Then she showed him the living room where he went to the piano and started tinkering with the keys. I heard the noise from upstairs and thought dad had come back early. Mom got him something to drink and apologized for me running late (I like making them wait). He told her it was no big deal and continued talking to her.

When I finally emerged, mom was laughing and having a great time. He told me I looked beautiful and we left for the theater. He had gotten tickets to see _The Phantom of the Opera_, my all-time favorite musical. He let me go first into the theater and to our seats and totally focused his attention on me until the show began. He held my hand and extended tissues to me when I cried at the end. No matter how many times I see it, I turn into a waterfall. I cannot keep the tears from flowing. That love is so beautiful and it reminds me a bit of mom and dad.

Afterwards, we went to Village Inn for a slice of pie. Their brownie pie is the absolute best, especially when it's warm and you combine it with the cold ice cream! Mmmm….It was _so_ good that Nathan wanted to share. We looked so cute feeding each other. Then he dropped me off at home and kissed my hand, telling me goodnight and he'd see me soon! I am floating on air right now! He was so sweet and the date was so perfect! Mom knew I had a good time just from the goofy grin on my face. I was so excited that I told her all about it. "Nessie," she told me, "I knew he was a gentleman when he kissed my hand; men don't do that anymore. And in a way, he reminded me of your father." She was right! He was a lot like dad!

Speaking of which, dad is still gone on his super-secret retreat. That is why I chose to have the date tonight. I don't want dad doing to Nathan what he did to Stephen Newton. Even though Stephen is cool and we're still friends, I don't want dad to have _too_ much fun at my expense. Yes, I know he does it simply for fun and not as a threat, but it still makes the boys uncomfortable. And it does embarrass me. I tried telling him that after prom and he shrugged. Dad is _so_ stubborn sometimes! He and mom are a perfect match!

Brb, phone ringing….

NOW I AM ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS!!! That was Jacob on the phone. He heard about the date and was fuming! One of his wolf friends "happened" to be at Village Inn and saw how cozy Nathan and I were and reported back. Jacob had the _gall_ to assume that we are a couple!! I know I'm betrothed to him, but mom and dad both want me to live life and not tie myself down. Actually, I think they're both hoping that I'll break the betrothment and end up with someone of _my_ choice. Uh yeah. That'd be nice!

So anyways, he wanted to know what the deal was. I told him that I have a right to date other people and he does too! I know for a fact that he has been out with a girl on the reservation. He swore up and down on the phone to me that she was just a friend. Then I reminded him that he used to be in love with mom and kissed her against her will. His breathing became heavy and the line went dead. I have a feeling I pissed him off and he phased. Oh well.

I don't want to hurt Jacob. He is very sweet and mom loves him like a brother. A part of me hopes to end up with him, but I am not a prize to be won! I am a young, beautiful freak who wants to have a normal life…well, as normal as I can. Mom and dad understand that, why can't he?

I'm sure he'll come around soon. When he does, we'll have a long talk about our future. I will tell him that if he falls in love and gets married that's okay by me. He is more human and more normal than I am; I really don't stand much chance at a normal life. I'd rather he get that opportunity with someone who can love him more than I can…with someone who isn't a vampire. Someone he isn't sworn to hate or kill.

Dad still believes Jacob would hurt or kill us if given the opportunity. Mom has more faith in him, but she knows him better. I tend to agree with dad; what is to stop him from phasing and attacking me? I may be half-vampire and super speedy and strong, but I can still be killed! Or suppose he clawed my face? It wouldn't heal the way a vampire's would; there would always be a scar. Just think about it: we get married and have a few children. One day, the entire Cullen clan is over and we are having a jolly old time. His wolf pack smells us and accuse him of fraternizing with the enemy. What's to stop him from turning on us? And if he doesn't, the pack will try to take us down. They won't be working _with_ us anymore like they did against the Volturi. They would be working _against_ us. I will have put my family in jeopardy. I can't do that!

I'm not going to worry about Jacob anymore tonight. It's late and mom said I need to go to bed. I'll think about it tomorrow and figure something out.


	11. June 6

Dear Diary,

Dad is back from his super-secret retreat. He has refused to tell us _anything_ about it other than he and Uncle Jasper "learned a lot."

Apparently, Uncle Emmett whined about not being invited and so there is another retreat planned for next month. Mom laughed nervously when she heard that. I know she loves Uncle Emmett, but I can imagine Emmett's idea of a good time.

I think he wants to be away from the women for a bit so they'll go hunting and then visit strip clubs. I could be wrong, but Emmett has always been very sexual. Dad too, but in a different way. I could see him refusing to go to the strip club and make Uncle Emmett miserable, just to torture him. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Don't get me wrong, I know Uncle Emmett loves Aunt Rosalie and would never hurt her like that (not that she would let him). But I also know that he's still a man. He still gets aroused at sexual things and I know he'd _love_ a strip joint. He wanted to take dad there for his bachelor party but luckily Uncle Jasper refused. The three of them spent the evening hunting, talking and bonding. But ever since then, Emmett has wanted that.

Personally, I think dad could care less. He gets enough satisfaction from mom (believe me, I hear it!). He might eventually concede to the idea, but I don't think he'd watch the ladies. Course, what do I know? Maybe dad going to a strip joint would be good for him. It might give him other ideas and make the noises between them all the more unbearable. Yeah, let's not go there.

I really don't have a problem with strip joints. Honestly. In fact, I thought it would be great when I reach twenty-one to go to one. Lisa is dying to go to one; her older sister is a stripper and I think she has dreams of being one herself. But of course, the only ones I would go to would be where the _men_ strip. I have enough confidence issues already; I don't need to see girls flaunting their stuff and making me feel even more inadequate.

Dad knew a human was in the house; he could smell Nathan! I told him about the date and he didn't care. He seemed disappointed that he didn't get to "play" with him. But dad _was_ irritated that Nathan touched his piano. Mom said that dad needs to get over it; it is an instrument and will not love him back. Dad acted like he was mad and walked away for an hour. Honestly, he wasn't mad; he just wanted to mess with mom. And since mom can't read his mind, she didn't know. He reappeared an hour later and they started making out in the kitchen. I had been in the living room watching TV and when I heard mom's familiar moan, I knew what was about to happen. I escaped outside just in time.

Like I said, their physical relationship doesn't really bother me. I just don't want to be around all the time when it's going on. It depends on my mood and that has been dark lately.

Dark thanks to Jacob. I have not heard from him. Dad is thinking of going to the border and dragging him over here, but I don't think that'll work. Jacob can't stay away because of his imprinting. I think he'll come around when he's over his "hurt."

I know I seem cold and callous; I can't help that. I _am_ half-vampire. But also, I'm sixteen. Why do I want to tie myself to one person? Mom did at seventeen when she met dad, but I'm not her. I can't imagine linking myself to one person at this age…especially when Nathan is around. Boy is he hot! Did I mention he wants to see me again? Yup, this weekend. I told him it would be the last time before my trip to LA; he was fine with that. He seems to think I'll want to see him again after I return. Maybe….

Oh, wow! I'm surprised! Jacob showed up! I will talk to you later. Wish me luck!


	12. June 10

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow is the big day; flying to LA. I _can't_ wait! I think we'll have so much fun. I have come up with a lie as to why I won't be able to tan. "I have a pigment condition. It's very rare." Sally, of course, knows that not the case, but the rest won't. I do plan on lying on the beach though. It is a great opportunity to socialize and swim and get some rays.

We won't be doing that the whole time. We also want to check out Hollywood and Beverly Hills and Rodeo Drive. Mom and dad told me to buy something nice at Tiffany's. I, of course, don't want to flaunt the money, but they don't have a problem. There is a pretty silver necklace in the shape of a star that I saw online….

Oh! I forgot to tell you about Jacob! We did have a nice, long conversation. He told me that he can't help the imprinting and would always be there for me. I told him that I'm only sixteen; I need the opportunity to grow and live. He seemed to understand that. I said that I will try to be with him, but no guarantees. I want him to be happy and if he finds someone else, to be with her. He seemed to understand that as well. He looked at mom wistfully. Dad growled at him and said not to get any ideas. Jacob said something crude back in his mind and dad made a gesture that I've never seen him do before. Jacob then laughed and shook his head.

Why does he have to make my life so complicated? I would prefer if I didn't know him, actually. Yes, he's a good person and nice and would do anything for us, but if he wasn't around I wouldn't have to worry. I could continue to date and grow and live without his interference. He sometimes seems to think he knows how to raise me better than mom and dad do! Mom gets _so_ pissed when he tries to give parenting advice. "You don't have children, Jacob. Don't tell me how to raise mine!" And then Aunt Rosalie and he usually go at it verbally. They really do hate each other. Rosalie can't stand his smell. There was one time Aunt Rosalie came to my room to help me pick out something to wear and Jacob had just left. She wrinkled her nose and came back with a can of air freshener. She used the whole can and swore she could still smell him. Afterwards, I heard she took a shower to get the "dog" smell off of her. She drove Uncle Emmett nuts that night.

Uncle Jasper revealed to me a bit about the super-secret retreat that they were on. Apparently, dad wants to take mom someplace special for her birthday and they were checking things out. It's a little early; her birthday is three months away. But he wants everything squared away and I know that if he did it come September it would look suspicious. She would figure him out in a heartbeat (pun intended). By finding a place now, he can fool her and make sure everything is cool. Uncle Jasper was _so_ excited to tell me about this and made me swear not to say anything. I know if dad found out that Jasper told me he'd send the hurt out on him! Actually, that might be funny to see….

So that means that for a week in September I will be on my own. Well, not totally as the family will be around. But they know I can take care of myself; I have no problem with them going away. In fact, I wish they would. Then they can be loud and make noises and I won't hear it. I'd feel sorry for their neighbors, though.

Grandpa Charlie is coming over later to see me before I leave. I feel like I never get enough time with him. I am still convinced he knows what we are and that keeps him away. Well, that and the fact that the wolves have sunk their claws into him. See? Another way Jacob has complicated my life!

My whole life is freakish. Me, my parents, my family and my close friends. We are all freaks. People at school think so; people in the whole town of Forks think so! Who else is a half-breed with vampire parents and a would-be boyfriend who's a werewolf? Who? No one. We really are Mother Nature's joke.

Poor mom; she had _no_ idea what she was in for when she moved here. She just figured it'd be great to spend some time with her dad. Little did she know that a vampire would fall for her and make her one of them. Little did she know that her best friend would be a werewolf and imprint on her daughter. Mom is happy, I know, but talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time!

I _do_ hope someday that I will be as happy as mom. I hope that someday I will meet someone like dad who will love me unconditionally until the end of time. Someone who can accept what we are so coolly like mom did, someone who can put up with me craving French Fries one minute and blood the next. Someone who can pretend to understand that I am not what you'd think. I have pale white skin, speed and strength of a vampire; yet my heart beats and blood flows through my veins. I have human emotions and vampire senses. I can crush someone's skull without much force but still be injured or killed. I can help defend my family against the Volturi yet don't know how to solve the problem of finding a boyfriend.

Maybe my destiny is to be a rogue; to be on my own so I can't hurt or be a threat to anyone. So that my only companion is loneliness….


	13. June 26

**A/N:** I am sorry for the delay. I find myself getting ready to write and then other things happen. I will try not to let this much time go by again.

This is the aftermath of the LA trip. With Renesmee, adventure is what she craves. Wait until she tries to get a tattoo!

Please read and review! Thank you!

********

Dear Diary,

Back from LA! What a fun time! None of us girls fought once! Mom and dad were _so_ happy that I was back. I know they enjoyed their time alone (I don't even want to know how a groove was worn into the living room floor!), but they missed me. And I missed them. I brought presents back for everyone too! Aunt Rosalie got a very expensive hair curler which she loved, Emmett got a celebrity chess set (all the pieces are current stars), Alice got a necklace from Tiffany's, Jasper got a miniature replica cannon from the movie _Glory_ (it really shoots things!), Grandpa Carlisle got a ruby ring to wear on his right hand, Grandma Esme got a pair of Jessica Simpson shoes (those things are expensive!), mom got a dress and dad got some sheet music from the 1930s. Everyone was so happy with their gifts. All of them said that I shouldn't have spent so much money, but I was happy to do it. You can't go to LA and _not_ buy gifts.

Uncle Emmett's celebrity chess set was the closest we got to seeing any stars. No matter where we went, we missed them. Our first night there, we went to a posh dance club where Lindsay Lohan and Brittney Spears have frequented. That was not our night. The next day we walked along the Walk of Fame, hoping to catch a glimpse of someone, with no luck. But we did get lots of pictures of our favorite celebs' stars! Lisa just squealed over John Williams (she loves _Star Wars_) and Carmen and I both went nuts for Robert Downey, Jr. Then we saw a cutout of Taylor Lautner in the window of a movie store which Adora _had_ to have. I don't get the appeal. I mean, he's cute and everything, I'll give him that, but nothing compares to Robert Downey Jr! And next to Lautner was a picture of Robert Pattinson. Man, that guy is _hot_!!!!!! Susan pointed out that he looks like my dad. I don't think so; my dad isn't _nearly_ as good looking as this Pattinson guy is. Course, I would say that since it's my dad. Then Susan admitted to me that she's always had a crush on my dad! She told me that she stayed the night once and saw him come downstairs without a shirt on. She loved how fit and trim he was and had some wild fantasies. It was too gross and I made her stop before it went too far. I mean, come on! That's my _dad_ she's talking about! Ew!

So after being thoroughly creeped out by Susan, we then went and ate at Planet Hollywood. It was a cool place. We got a ton of pictures and bought souvenirs, but still no celebrities. The next day was lying on the beach. I noticed a ton of hot guys checking us out. In fact, Adora got a marriage proposal! It was great! She laughed so hard when that happened. I felt self-conscious in my bikini with my pale skin. And yes, I didn't tan. I knew that would happen. My friends couldn't seem to understand why. I told them it was a skin condition. Luckily, Sally changed the subject. By the last day that we laid in the sun and I didn't get tan, however, we took action. We bought a bottle of spray tan and sprayed it all over me. What a mistake! What we weren't expecting was for it to turn me orange! But it did. I had to spend the last day in LA and the flight home being orange. In fact, I am still orange. Mom's eyes bulged out of her head when she saw me and Aunt Alice just laughed. Mom was furious, but the others were not. They defended me and said that I'm a kid; it's understandable that I would want to experiment and try new things. Uncle Emmett told her that she experimented with dating a vampire when she was human, so to lay off of me. She calmed down a bit, but still didn't talk to me for a day. Dad had read my mind when the plane landed and tried to warn her, but, as usual, she didn't listen. Mom can be _so_ stubborn!

I definitely think we used too much of the spray tan. It was Lisa's idea! She said "in order to achieve results, you have to use the whole bottle. For someone as pale as you, Nessie, drastic measures must be taken." Sally tried to intervene, but was shot down. So now I am orange until this stuff wears off. It's faded a bit as I've taken twenty showers. You should have seen the looks I got from people on the plane! One guy saw me and immediately understood. "Spray tan?" he asked me. I just smiled lightly and cast my eyes down. He laughed and kissed my cheek to comfort me.

While there, and before the spray tan incident, we checked out a few studio tours, drove around Beverly Hills, went shopping, pretended to be hookers (but didn't pick anyone up), and ate at some great restaurants. I managed to curb my blood lust while there and ate some of the best Vietnamese food ever! I had _no_ idea food could taste like that! I wasn't too excited about Thai; I thought it spicy. Apparently Carmen liked it spicy and ordered it for all of us, not thinking or caring. I wanted to snap her neck.

It was a fun and exhausting trip. We spent nights at dance clubs and some of the days at the beach. A total of seven days at the beach. Adora had the idea of every other day for the beach so we didn't get bored with it. And even then, we spent about five hours there. The girls were concerned about the sun's rays. At least this was one area where I could laugh at them and not them at me. If only they knew that they were tanning with a half-human, half-vampire freak like me. I am so glad that Sally was along; she was able to sympathize with me and change the subject of my paleness. Because of her thoughtfulness, I bought her a sterling silver bracelet from Tiffany's. I _love_ that store. I thought I'd look online tomorrow to see what other goodies they have. Mom's birthday is in September; maybe I can get her something.

Well, I'm going to take another shower. I really hope this fades before cheerleading camp in a few weeks. We are staying at the University of Washington for a week while we learn all there is to know. Joy.


	14. July 1

Dear Diary,

Well, the spray tan has faded. It is not completely gone, but at least it's not as embarrassing as before. Cheerleading camp starts in a week. I promise not to forget to bring you as I did for LA. Sally and I hope to make lots of new friends. Aunt Rosalie wants me to always look my best around the cheerleaders. She told me that she once was on the cheerleading team in the 1980s. She said it was a lot of fun, but she had to reign in her strength. However, there was one time when she saved a girl from breaking a bone. The cheer had the girl being held up by her teammates (not Aunt Rosalie; she was doing back flips on the other side). The girl was three hands high and she lost her balance. Aunt Rosalie saw her fall and using her speed, caught her before she hit the ground. Then she helped the girl on her shoulders and she finished the cheer. She said she risked exposure with how fast she moved to get to her teammate, but since everyone was focused on her, Rosalie could get to her unnoticed. That was one of the happiest moments in her existence. Aunt Rosalie talked about it with a mixture of pride and sadness.

I figured that it's best to dress in tank tops and tight leggings. I don't want a lot of clothing getting tangled up in what I have to do. I don't own anything like that, so of course Aunt Alice wants to take me shopping. Grandma Esme has agreed to come along. We will be going later this afternoon. I'm sure Aunt Alice will probably want me to buy things with rhinestones and lace, flirty stuff. I told her that the guys on the cheerleading team are gay; they won't be checking us out. She said that didn't matter. I need to show myself off to my teammates and let them see what a beauty I am. I rolled my eyes.

Oh, my hair has grown out since I cut it. It comes to my shoulders now. It grows fast for me. The brown color is almost out too. Mom threatened a slow, painful death if I colored it again. So you can imagine how I looked in LA with reddish hair and orange skin. Definite clash! I promised mom I wouldn't color it again (at least, not for awhile). Little does she know that I plan on getting colored contacts! I am debating between blue and green. Blue would look good with my hair color, but green was dad's eye color when he was human. I think she wouldn't mind that; I'd look like a replica of dad then.

She also doesn't know that I want to get my hair permed. I've never had a permanent; my hair is straight by nature, like hers was when human. If I don't get it permed, I want to try to curl it more. Aunt Rosalie said I could borrow the curling iron I got for her, but I picked one up for myself. We experimented with it one day in LA. It looked _so_ good! We curled it, then put on our bikinis and went to the beach. Come to think of it, we received several cat calls that day from guys. And one guy, Damon, bought me a soda. He was sweet.

He also wants to see me. I am hesitant though. He lives in California. He said he didn't care that I lived in Washington; he'd fly out to see me. He has a ton of money and has his own jet. But it wouldn't feel right. Besides, Nathan had been calling my parents almost daily asking when I'd be back. We went out the night after I returned. He told me he missed me terribly and kissed me that night. All I can say is…WOW! I felt my knees buckle and my usual vampire strength disappeared. In that moment, I was completely human. He wrapped his arm around my waist to steady me. I could feel him trembling, but he was determined to let me know how he felt. His lips were soft and warm. I worried that mine would be cold due to my freakishness, but he said that they were warm! I didn't want him to stop kissing me. It felt…perfect.

I wondered if how I felt was anything like how mom felt when dad first kissed her. I asked her about it and she said that the experiences were different. "Your father had to be careful around me. He wasn't half-human and my blood called to him. My reaction to his kiss surprised us both, and he stopped. That was when the limits were placed. My head always spun when he kissed me, but I learned to control myself." I mentioned that it wasn't always like that; they did cross boundaries when they got married. I mean, come on, that's how I was conceived. She agreed, but said it was hard for dad. She also said that I shouldn't have that problem. I have strength, but since I'm not a full vampire, I can control it easily. She then asked how kissing Nathan was.

I thought I'd call Damon today and see how he's doing. He may have forgotten about me. If so, I can go about seeing Nathan with no guilt. But if Damon _does_ want to see me, I'll figure something out. Suddenly I go from no men to two. I guess being a freak has its benefits!


	15. July 5

Dear Diary,

Happy day after Independence Day! Mine was GREAT! I spent it with Nathan…well, part of it. When I woke up dad wanted to go hunting, so I accompanied him. I actually caught my own deer! I was _so_ proud of myself. And dad was too! His black eyes showed love and contentment as he drained his mountain lion. My deer put up a struggle, but I managed to sink my teeth into it and drank quickly. That was really all I needed. Dad was fine after the mountain lion; he just wanted a snack. J

We got back around ten and I hopped into the shower. Nathan was picking me up at one for lunch. I warned him about dad, but mom _promised_ that dad would not scare him. This pretty much confirms my suspicions that he was just messing with Stephen Newton.

I decided to wear dark blue skinny jeans and an emerald-green tank top. I then took a lacy wrap and tied that around my shoulders. I really didn't care if mom and dad thought it "appropriate" or not. I'm half-vampire; what's going to happen to me? Seriously?

They were fine with what I wore. In fact, mom told me to lose the wrap! She said I have lovely shoulders and should show them off. Yeah, cause _that's_ sexy! Oooh…shoulders! Well, I did what she said, but still carried the wrap in case it got cool. Aunt Alice bought some makeup for me to take to cheerleading camp (of course), so I put on some eyeliner and lip gloss. I didn't want to do too much. And I curled my hair. I am glad that it's growing out, both length and color-wise.

So after I was ready I had about two hours to kill. I sat at the piano and tinkered with a composition. When I told dad I wanted to take lessons, he passed out! I'm serious! He _literally_ passed out. Mom threw water on him to revive him. Then he pulled me into a great big hug. He was _so_ happy that I decided to follow in his footsteps. Mom rolled her eyes and said "yeah, cause you're such a famous composer." That started a fight between them. I ended up playing some notes on the piano to drown out their yelling. I don't know why they're surprised. Dad would sit me on his lap and play things for me. In fact, he played mom's lullaby once for me when I couldn't sleep. Then he composed _Nessie's Power_. It was a haunting and beautiful piece. He wrote it one time when I got sick. Yes, _I _got sick. My freakishness couldn't stop me from getting mono when I was thirteen. Dad kept commenting about how strong I was and composed it one time while I slept. So I decided to play that to calm them down. It didn't work. Mom ended up slamming the door in dad's face.

I'm not worried. They usually have a big fight regarding me once a year. Then they cool off and return to their lovey-dovey selves.

Anyways, I got off-topic. When Nathan picked me up I complained about the fight. He told me he understood; his parents have been separated for years. We drove to the restaurant and took our seats. I never noticed before, but he had pale skin like me. When I first noticed him, I drowned in his eyes. They were also brown and his hair was black. _So gorgeous,_ I thought.

He continued on about his parents. He said that his father left when he was still in the womb. They still see each other occasionally when he passes through town, but basically that's it. He told me that he was used to being on his own, being a "rogue" so to speak. I immediately thought of the Volturi; then pushed the thought aside. I didn't want them to dampen my evening.

After we ate, we went to the river, his favorite hangout. We sat there for hours just talking. I feel like I know everything about him. And he kissed me several times too! Each time, my blood rushed through my veins and my heart started pounding. He chuckled against my lips; he couldn't have heard that! At least, I hope not! How embarrassing!

We were so lost in each other that I didn't realize the oncoming twilight. We watched the stars come out and then waited for the fireworks. They were so beautiful! It was thrilling. The loud, booming noises, the smell, and the lights mesmerized me. I didn't want it to end.

But it did. He drove me back home and kissed me again. This one was more passionate than the others, more forceful. It made my knees buckle. Then he kissed my forehead and left. When I went inside, mom was sitting on dad's lap. I knew that they couldn't stay mad at each other. Mom knew what happened because dad read Nathan's mind. We went to my room for girl talk.

I told her that Nathan was great and that I hope I can see him again. Mom agreed that he was great, but seemed more reserved then last time. Like she didn't totally approve. I didn't understand and asked her about it. She told me that she is happy for me. She said that Nathan was a polite guy who seemed to treat me right. That he will look out for me for as long as we're together. I totally didn't get her; it was like cryptic talk. I told her we've only gone out a few times; I don't think it's a lifelong thing. She smiled and took my hand saying that dad read his mind and he's in love with me!

My jaw dropped. How can that be? We haven't known each other for long. I really like him, but I know I'm not in love with him; at least not yet. And then there's the whole Jacob thing too.

Jacob! I haven't heard from him in awhile; I think I'll give him a call. I should probably talk to him before cheerleading camp since I didn't before leaving for LA. I know he's still hurting from my dating, but it's something he'll have to get used to. He may have "imprinted" on me, but that does not mean I return the feeling. I have a right to live my life and belong to someone.

I do _not_ belong to him!

********

**A/N**: Notice anything strange? Bella was thrilled with Nessie dating Nathan until now. Well, she still is, but knows a secret. Any guesses?


	16. July 11

Dear Diary,

I started cheerleading camp today. Since this is only the first day, not much happened. We arrived at the University of Washington around 3 to check in. Dad drove his usually lightning-fast speed and mom growled at him for it. They both gave me hugs and said they'd miss me. But unlike some other parents, they weren't as clingy. They know that they can let me go and I'll be okay. I think it's great that they give me so much independence. But I also know that they are ready to help me when I need it.

So after I checked in I scanned the place for Sally. When I didn't find her, I sent her a text. She said that she was running late and would arrive around 4. So I decided to drop my stuff here in my room.

None of us have singles. We all have to have roommates so we can bond. It makes sense. I had a feeling that Sally wouldn't be my roommate and I was right. About fifteen minutes after I started unpacking, Kaitlyn showed up! Her jaw dropped when she saw me and said she didn't want to be with "the freak." I told her I didn't want to be with her either, but we might as well get used to it. She dumped her stuffed and took off. I haven't seen her for the rest of the evening. No doubt she is talking about me and wondering what she did to get stuck with me. God, she's such a bitch!

I'm stuck with her for two weeks though; I'd better get used to it. I honestly have no problem with her, just her attitude. I _know_ I'm a freak; she doesn't have to harp on it! But she does. It's how she feels better about herself. Honestly, I know that she's jealous because not only do I come from a happy family, but my looks are unique. I do wish I looked like her, though. What's attractive about pale-white skin?

Dinnertime was at 6. I found Sally and we clung to each other like glue. Then we met Lizzie. She was one of the organizers and head cheerleaders and she was _so_ nice! She told us that it's natural to feel out of place, especially when it's your first time cheering. She had a great sense of humor and was genuinely interested in learning about Sally and me. She even told me I was pretty! I told her I wasn't and she said I don't see myself clearly.

When I mentioned Nathan, she perked up. She said that I had to be pretty if I had a boyfriend like him. I said it wasn't official (he never did ask), but we've gone out a few times. She said that she knows him and when he goes out with a girl, it's for keeps. She said that we would be a great couple; we both have brown eyes and pale skin. "You both need tans," she told me. I looked at Sally and we laughed, remembering LA. Lizzie was curious, but didn't question.

She told me that he had it rough without his dad. His mother worked to support him and he's always been different. When I asked what "different" was, she shrugged. She said she didn't know. But he was a gifted musician and loved to read. His main passion in life was reading old classics; books like _Bram Stoker's Dracula_ and _Frankenstein_ and the Anne Rice stories. I knew about his love of books, but not that he was so passionate about horror stories. Makes me wonder if he's seen any Tim Burton films. I may have to have him see Johnny Depp in _Sweeney Todd_. He was creepy in that.

It doesn't bother me that he likes horror stories, but it did surprise me. He seems so calm and collected. But it makes sense. A gifted musician needs inspiration for his music (as dad would know) and horror stories probably help fuel the passion. I hope he plays for me sometime.

I could tell that Lizzie is going to be a great friend. She is so pretty! She has gray eyes, brown hair and glasses. Her body frame is petite and she has an air of grace about her. She told us that she has been a dancer since age 3 and it is _her_ lifelong dream. I know she'll make it someday.

She stayed with Sally and me for the rest of the evening. After finishing dinner, we moved to the rec room for games. They allowed us to shoot pool or play trivia. Sally and I both decided on pool. We aren't that schooled in anything else. After about an hour of games, we all gathered to find out what was expected. We are to be up and ready to go by 8 every morning. We will learn many cheers and probably hate our coach when our camp is up. But at least then I can be graceful and pretty. Maybe being known for my freakishness will disappear into the background once I start cartwheels and back flips.

Before leaving Forks, mom told me that it doesn't matter what other people think. She said that she didn't care what the humans thought of the Cullens when she first moved to the area. They were called freaks as well, but that didn't stop her from falling in love with dad. She said that his uniqueness was not to be questioned. So many of the other guys after her were normal, boring. Dad was different and mysterious, like Nathan. And that is how I should be.

So for now, I am mysterious and different at cheerleading camp. I have Sally and Lizzie to rely on. Hopefully by the end of it I will have new friends and feel (somewhat) better about myself.

Hopefully.


	17. July 16

**A/N**: Special thanks to Candi Marie Cullen for her awesome insight into what happens at cheerleading camp. Renesmee thanks you.

********

Dear Diary,

I am _so_ exhausted. This cheerleading camp keeps me busy from morning until night. I usually just pass out asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. It's good, I'm not complaining by any means. I'd rather be exhausted than not be able to sleep at night.

Sally and I have learned so many cheers; I didn't think that there were so many around! In the past, I would always see back flips, cartwheels and pom-poms. I figured that was all there was to it. I was _so_ wrong! Never underestimate the power of cheerleading!

Lizzie has been a constant companion to us. She is our "big sister" of sorts. Whenever we have a question, she is there. She also gives us pep talks when we get down. Sally was feeling pretty bad last night. She was ready to quit. Lizzie sat down with her and told her that she is special; she is worthy of being on the team. I felt bad for Sally, she is trying so hard. I think she'll be okay though.

I worry, of course, about my strength. I have to regulate it. There have been a few mishaps, but no one has placed the blame on me…yet. I did back flips and kicked a girl in the face. I felt so bad, but she took blame; she was standing too close. Another time, we had to hold a hard position as long as possible to determine balance. I won. In fact, I was still in the position about five minutes after they called it. I couldn't help it; it's too easy to be like stone. And considering my family, no surprise.

Mom and dad called me last night. They said that Aunt Alice misses her shopping partner and Uncle Emmett is itching to beat me in chess. They have been hunting more than usual since their daughter isn't home to raise. Apparently, dad called an arm wrestling rematch and mom _still_ beat him. I wish I hadn't missed that. But I do miss them.

Mom also said that Nathan called for me. He knows I'm at camp, but couldn't remember when I got back. I could tell she was happy, but there was still hesitance in her voice. I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me. Every time Nathan is mentioned, she gets all weird. I wish she would just come clean about him! It's very annoying.

Jacob also called. It was nice to hear from him. I have been neglecting him lately. I promised that we would hang out as soon as I got back. He wants to take me to the reservation for cliff diving. I think it sounds great! The thrill of danger, especially to a vampire? Uh, yeah! I'm so there. I said I'd like to sit and roast marshmallows. I've actually never done that. He laughed and said sure. Funny how something as simple as marshmallows can give me such joy!

We have a special treat tonight. We get to finish early and watch a movie. I don't know what we're seeing; that is up to those in charge. Lizzie said she didn't even know. I have a feeling, though, that it will involve hot men. Let's think about it: a bunch of girls away from the opposite sex. Of course we'd want to see men without their shirts. I would like to see _G. I. Joe._ That is full of testosterone-induced good fun! But Sally wants something with Robert Pattinson. I don't get the appeal. I mean, yeah, the guy is good-looking, but ever since he was compared to my dad I can't see him any other way. Personally, I think Taylor Lautner is better-looking; at least he's more buff. But I'm open to change my mind.

One great thing about tomorrow is we get our "official" pom-poms. They have our names on them and everything so we don't get them mixed up. Yeah, Forks High School really treats their cheerleaders well! Plus, we have been sized for our outfits; they should arrive mid-August. Just in time for school to start up! I know that we'll also be meeting just about every weekend when we get back for practice. Uncle Emmett won't be happy about that, but who cares? When he sees how much fun I'm having being a cheerleader, he'll back off. And little does Emmett know, but I can now kick his ass! I'm sure of it! With some of these cheers, I will be invincible. Take that, Uncle Emmett!

Actually, that might come in handy if we ever have to deal with the Volturi again. I might be a secret weapon. Since dad is the only mind-reader in the family, and Aunt Alice is the only one who can _see_ the future, we could use this to our advantage. Now, I know with my humanness I won't be as good as them. I can be killed; but at least I can surprise the hell out of them if it ever comes to it. I hope it doesn't, though. But I have been dreaming lately that they're coming back.

Okay, I _have_ to get to bed now. I've yawned four times in the last two minutes. Kaitlyn has already crashed. Her blond hair completely covers her face. She's never looked better.


	18. July 30

Dear Diary,

Well, I have been so busy since my last entry that this is the first time I've had to write. The rest of cheerleading camp was a blast! Sally and I had _so_ much fun and we were _so_ exhausted every night! They kept us busy from morning to night. Lizzie is going to be our big sister this year on the team. I am glad; she is a great person. I don't trust her enough to tell her my secret; but I think I will tell her that I'm different.

As soon as I got home, Uncle Emmett came over. Apparently, he missed me more than the others. He feigned tears of joy and scooped me into his arms. He refused to let me go, despite repeated threats from dad. Emmett knew that dad couldn't touch him, so he wasn't worried. He wants to get the chess match underway. He and Uncle Jasper have been playing for hours (what else are vampires going to do with their time?). I told him that I wanted time to breathe; "I _am_ human after all" I said wryly. His response to that was to tackle me. My skin may be hard, but I can still bruise. And now I have a nice welt on my knee. Thanks Uncle Emmett.

Mom and dad were also extremely happy to have me home. You would think that they would enjoy my being gone, but apparently not. Course, I can't blame them; I have been gone most of the summer. And now I only have about a month left before school starts again. But it has been _so_ worth it. This has been a great summer!

Anyways, mom and Aunt Alice took me shopping when I got home. Yes, mom. It was actually her idea. I think Hell has frozen over. She wants me to have some new clothes for school and didn't know how much time I'd be allowed away from the chess game, so she took me a week ago. And of course, Aunt Alice would jump on the suggestion of shopping. She dragged us from store to store, wanting to buy me all these ridiculous things. "Nessie," she whined. "You are _so_ cute and you have a body. If nothing else, you should wear all of these cute clothes for Nathan. You know he'd appreciate it." Mom growled at her for saying that. I was just happy dad wasn't around; he probably would have tackled Alice right then outside of Old Navy.

So we got some skinny jeans and tank tops with blouses to match. Aunt Alice said that I should wear the tanks underneath the blouses and have them open a bit so both are shown. She said that it'll emphasize my chest. And the skinny jeans are tight enough to show off my hips. Then she found me a pair of three-inch heels in black for me to wear with the outfits. All in all, I think we spent about $400 in just that one trip. Money is no issue, of course, but I felt bad for mom. She put on a brave face, but I think she was literally in pain to be shopping. Especially when Aunt Alice dragged her into Victoria's Secret to buy some stuff to seduce dad. I didn't want to hear it, but she said that dad would appreciate mom's attempts at making herself sexy. I commented that that doesn't need to be done; he already thinks that. "I hear them all the time!" I said. They looked at me. If mom could still blush, she would have. I don't think she realized how loud she and dad have been.

I felt guilty for saying anything, so I told her that I didn't want them to stop. I said that for the most part, the noises from them don't bother me; it makes me happy that they are in love. But I did ask if maybe they could be more…affectionate while I was at school and less when I'm trying to sleep. Mom agreed. I reiterated that I'm cool with it. I hope mom understands. She can be _so_ stubborn on certain things and I don't want her to deny herself or dad because of me. I think dad would kill me for that.

Mom did buy a few things. One item will forever be burned into my conscious. It is red lace and strapless and falls just below the pelvic bone. It hides nothing; mom will definitely have to wear a red bra underneath it. I asked if that was necessary and Alice said that dad should work for what he wants. I pointed out that dad's already seen the goods; there are no surprises left. Mom was so shocked; I guess she figures I wouldn't know anything about sex (hello, sex education!). Aunt Alice just laughed and said that he will appreciate what under the lace if he can't have it. She wants mom to tease him. This _cannot_ end well.

Speaking of Nathan, who was mentioned earlier, we have gone out twice since I've been back. I like him more and more every time. We seem to have this connection, though I'm not sure what it is. I told him that I knew Lizzie. He got a big smile on his face and told me stories from their childhood. I also said that I was sorry about his father leaving. His brown eyes darkened slightly, but he said it was okay. His father has been gone so long that he usually doesn't think about him anymore.

I didn't realize Nathan was so strong! On one of our dates, we went to Port Angeles. We ran into some trouble; these guys wanted our money (no doubt for drugs). They jumped Nathan while putting a knife to my throat. I wasn't worried; with my vampire speed I could get out of their embrace in half a second. But I didn't do anything yet for fear of what they'd do to him. They didn't get far; he sprang into action and pounded the crap out of three of them. While he did that, I broke the arm of the guy who had the knife to me. I also bit him! I was _so_ proud of myself. I didn't put enough venom into his body to kill him (or turn him) but my biting surprised him. He called me a bitch and moved to strike me. I was across the lot by that point. Nathan did something to him and the guy took off. I asked what he did, but he refused to tell me. His hair was a little disorganized and his shirt was torn, but other than that he was fine. I told him I was worried. I knew I could take care of myself, but I'm a freak. He's a human; he's more fragile than I am. He laughed when I said that.

I cannot get enough of his kisses! They seem to grow in intensity each time. I was a little worried about my teeth cutting him, but with his mouth on mine, it's a little hard to comprehend anything. He holds me against himself as if I'll try to escape and runs his fingers through my hair. It's not as long as before, but it's growing out. I usually place my hands at his neck. This time, though, was different in the fact that he murmured my name. He's never done that before. And it wasn't just saying it; it was like he was desperate; hungry. Like he was claiming me. Like how dad claimed mom.

********

**A/N**: So, do you think Nathan was really in trouble? And remember Damon? He will reappear soon. As will Jacob. He just can't take a hint.

Nessie has some interesting things coming up in her life. The chess game with Jasper and Emmett will be pretty entertaining. And what happens when she decides to get a tattoo?

Thanks for reading! Please review!


	19. August 3

Dear Diary,

I spent last night over at Carmen's. She decided to have a slumber party for a bunch of us. Yes, I know that we're too old for that, but it was _still_ a great time. Lizzie came! Everyone loved her; she fit right in.

When I first got there, music was playing and pizza was on the way. That didn't stop us from eating popcorn and chocolate though! Sally and I gorged on that and still stuffed pizza down our throats. Now I know why I don't usually eat what humans consume; it's too greasy! And loaded with fat. Gah! I probably gained twenty pounds from that one night. I'm already planning on going running with Uncle Jasper. He's making special arrangements for his favorite niece.

Anyways, once Lizzie showed up everyone's attention diverted to her. She is so pretty. And it was great for "the freak" to not be under the microscope for once. Adora wanted to know everything about her and Susan just talked her ear off. Sally and I were more subdued since we already knew her.

She added so much to the party! After changing into our pajamas, we started talking about boys. Lizzie has a boyfriend so she gave us all sorts of advice. Of course, Nathan was brought up. "Nessie is practically his now," she said. Then of course everyone wanted to know how _that_ was going. Sally has been kept in the loop, but no one else has.

I told them that we've gone out a few times and kissed, but that's it. I don't know exactly what we are. He's never said that we're boyfriend/girlfriend and I don't want to assume. For all I know, he's dating someone else. And unless we do declare ourselves, that's fine. He hasn't made a commitment to me yet so why should I worry?

And yet I am.

Lizzie asked how he kissed. Apparently she had a crush on him when they were younger and dreamt of his mouth on hers. But she said that was awhile ago and all romantic feelings towards him had passed. She immediately forgot about him once she met her boyfriend. "Nathan who?" she asked. We all laughed.

I felt that I was trapped into telling them, but the pizza arrived then. While we settled into our spots, Carmen put a movie on. Adora wanted action and Sally wanted romance. We settled on comedy. That was fine with me; I didn't want anyone to be reminded of my kisses with Nathan. That was private. Mom knew a bit about it but not how important he was to me.

When the movie was done, the real fun began. We started playing with makeup and hair. Lisa looked so much like Angelina Jolie when we had her made up. She has always had those full lips that all of us would kill for (yes, even me). Lizzie made her up and I made up Lizzie. She said that she hated electric blue eye shadow but I put some on her anyways. Guess what? She loved it! She had always worn the wrong product with it so that was her problem. Once she saw the eye shadow with everything completed she was shocked. She gave me a big bear hug. Her grey eyes really stood out behind her glasses. So gorgeous!

Of course, our makeup session would not be complete without food. Carmen made popcorn and Sally brought licorice. Lisa then asked how often we've "practiced" on the licorice. Everyone seemed to understand but me.

"You are _so_ sheltered," Adora said. Lisa laughed and said she was referring to oral sex! I couldn't believe it! And what surprised me even more was that some of the girls have practiced; Sally being one of them! She's my best friend; she's supposed to tell me everything! I felt _so_ alone. Lizzie has never done it either, despite the fact that she has a boyfriend. We both sat in the corner as the other girls talked about how far they've gone. My ears were burning! Then they decided that a game of "I've Never" would further fuel my humiliation. I wanted the floor to swallow me up and never release me. I _hate_ the part of feeling human when it's embarrassment. I think that is the worst emotion ever.

Why do all of these slumber parties end with me feeling like a freak? I already know I'm one; do they have to make it obvious? LA wasn't so bad, but that's because we were so tired every night. They didn't have any time to embarrass me then.

The only one who stood by me last evening was Lizzie. Even Sally, my best friend, left my side. I seriously thought about leaving. I figured Uncle Emmett could pick me up (he's so massive he'd intimidate the girls) and take me for a milkshake, which I wouldn't drink since I was already stuffed. Then I'd call Jacob for comfort.

But I didn't. I toughed it out. Eventually they got bored with teasing me and we finally fell asleep. This morning I spoke very little to them and had dad pick me up as soon as possible.

As of right now, Lizzie is my new best friend. She is the only one who understood me; the only one who was in the same situation. I _know_ I'm different but why does it always have to get in my way? Why can't I be normal…for once?

**A/N**: I had a request to bring Jacob back into the story, so he will be in the next chapter. I figured he's the perfect companion for Renesmee's tattoo adventure.

Thank you for reading! If you are a fan, please check out my other work. There are more stories coming. Please review as well!


	20. August 12

**A/N**: I had a request to bring Jacob back, so here he is.

I am running out of ideas. As I have no intentions at this time of finishing Vampire Diaries, I need a bit of help. There are a few swimming in my head, but if anyone wants to suggest, I'm all ears. All ideas will be **considered.** Please PM me with your thoughts.

I can tell you that the Volturi will be making a trip to Forks soon to see Nessie.

If you are a fan of my work, please check out my other stories. And be on the lookout for a new one coming soon, The Round Table Story. Thanks for reading! Please review!

********

Dear Diary,

I got a reprieve from Uncle Jasper to be excused from the chess tournament today. Thank God! I love my uncles, but Uncle Emmett was driving me nuts! He makes jokes and tries to psyche me out and it was distracting. Jasper wasn't distracted; he's played many games with Emmett. And they refuse to let dad play. They think he cheats for some reason.

Since they're vampires, they don't need to eat or sleep. So they play chess around the clock. And I'm afraid of moving, for fear that Uncle Emmett will cheat. Last night I fell asleep at the table and Uncle Jasper put me to bed. He promised to suspend the game until I was ready. While he put me to bed, Uncle Emmett trumped my pawn and won the game. Cheater.

They both knew I needed a break; so I got today off. Let me say, it was a great day! I spent it with Jacob. Yeah, I know. But I missed him. He has been quiet lately about my "relationship" with Nathan (I put that in quotes because I don't know what you would call it). But I know that he loves me and wants me to be with him.

He made a good case today! He picked me up after saying "hi" to mom and dad. Well, mom said "hi," dad growled. I don't think he'll ever get over his jealousy towards Jacob, even if mom did choose him. Anyways, we went to the mall for a little retail therapy, but not for me…for him! He needed to buy some new jeans for school and wanted me to tag along. I think Aunt Alice would have approved of what he bought; all designer stuff. All expensive. My jaw dropped at the cost. I know that my family doesn't bat an eyelash at what things cost, but I'm the human. I _try_ to be frugal.

While at the mall, we passed a tattoo shop. I've been thinking of getting one lately and the girls at cheerleading camp convinced me. I wanted one on my lower back. I had decided to get a wolf back there; that way Jacob would always be with me, no matter what happens.

I knew that mom and dad wouldn't approve of me getting a tattoo, but like dad, I can be very persuasive at getting what I want. Since I was underage it would be difficult to get in, but I still pulled out my fake id (don't judge me). I gave the guy my most dazzling smile and batted my eyelashes. He was quite taken with me and hesitated. The id looked real; Jacob made it himself.

He let me go. My dazzling worked. Either that or he didn't care about getting fired with approving a fake id. So anyways, I'm sitting in the chair and getting nervous. I've never done anything like this before and was a little leery about marking up my body.

The tattoo artist was a sight; completely covered in ink. It took me a minute to realize he had a moustache; that's how covered he was. He said his name was "Duke" and asked what I wanted. I pointed to the wolf drawing that looked like Jacob and he smiled. Duke said that was one of the most popular in his shop. He got the needle ready.

I've never had an aversion to needles; course, I've never been sick. A benefit of my vampirism. I got ready and exposed part of my back. I was a bit self-conscious as Jacob has never seen me without clothes on, nor had this complete stranger. Yes, I had a bra on, but that's not the point.

I felt the needle press to my skin. Then there was a SNAP! I heard Duke swear and mention that the needle broke. He replaced it and pressed to my skin again. SNAP! It broke again. I looked back at him and he raised his eyebrows to me. I shrugged. Jacob was trying not to laugh and I glared at him. Duke replaced the needle again and brought it to my skin.

Well, I broke five needles before he kicked me out of the store. He couldn't understand why my skin was so rough and I couldn't very well tell him that I was half-human, half-vampire. I offered to pay for the broken needles but he was so angry at me that he refused to speak another word. He then fired the boy behind the counter for letting me into the store.

Needless to say, I felt really bad after that. I had broken one guy's equipment and caused another to be fired. I was still tattooless. All because of my freakishness.

Jacob knew I was feeling bad and suggested we hang out at the reservation. I loved that idea. He made lunch for me and we strolled along the beach. I wondered where the spot was when he told mom about the "cold ones" but didn't ask him. I have a feeling that although his feelings changed for mom, he still cares for her deeply. And I don't want to drudge up memories from the past and hurt him.

We sat on the beach and talked. We talked about _everything._ He wanted to know how the tournament was going, how LA was, cheerleading camp...and Nathan. Most of all, Nathan. He asked a lot of questions about him. I felt my cheeks grow warm talking about him. I blush; that was given to me by mom. But with my iridescent skin, it really glows red.

Then it was my turn to interrogate him. I asked about the other wolves and how long his mother has been gone. I wanted to know what his future plans were; if he was going to college or work as a mechanic. He told me both. He's going to the community college and then work in an auto shop until he can get his own. I smiled. I want him to be successful; he deserves it.

I noticed he said "community" college. He doesn't want to go too far because of me. I felt guilty about that; he shouldn't put his life on hold because of me. I'm nothing special. He said he wasn't going to do that, but I didn't believe him.

Jacob also kissed me. That was the first time. It was amazing. I thought Nathan's kisses were heart-stopping, but Jacob's were soul-stopping. The electricity flowed between us and I found myself wanting more. I couldn't believe my reactions. I had been kissing Nathan not too long ago and I couldn't think straight after that. It was as though two souls were joining together. But Jacob's kisses were also like that. I wondered if he was channeling mom through me. I had heard the story of him kissing mom without her permission. She made the mistake of telling me the story with dad around. He left the room and slammed the door. She rolled her eyes at his actions.

She told me that at the time, she didn't want him to kiss her. She did during the Victoria battle, but that was only because he tricked her. Mom said that a man should never force himself on a woman. She was implying that Nathan did. I told her no; Nathan was a gentleman, like dad. That seemed to calm her a bit, but she still had that funny look in her eyes every time Nathan is brought up. I have to ask her about that.

So now I don't know what to do. Jacob has made his intentions and I am still betrothed to him. But my parents want me to lead my own life and Nathan is a part of that. I don't want to give him up.

Wow. Earlier I was complaining about not having any guys around and now I have two. What the hell happened?


	21. August 16

Dear Diary,

Uncle Jasper found out about my kiss with Jacob. Apparently, he came over to visit me during the middle of the night and spilled the beans. Okay, first of all…_middle of the night._ I'm sleeping, HEL-LO! Second, _why_ would you tell that to my family? Especially when they run hot and cold when it comes to you? Duh!

I made Uncle Jasper promise not to say anything, or even think anything. I don't want dad to get wind of it. God knows what he would do. He'd either beat Jacob for "taking advantage" of his little girl or jump for joy. I am _so_ confused as to what I want. Uncle Jasper said he understood. How could he? He's never been a teenage girl! He may have been human at one point, but he's never been confused like this. He always had Aunt Alice and Aunt Alice only. Never two human guys, one a werewolf, vying for his affections.

Although I really enjoyed Jacob's kiss, I have been feeling guilty. I feel like I've been cheating on Nathan. He did kiss me first and has wanted my company daily since I returned from cheerleading camp. I haven't been able to give it to him, of course, but that doesn't mean we don't talk on the phone and think about each other. And now, I feel like I need to avoid him; like if I see him, he'll know that I cheated.

It's silly. We haven't established our relationship status. We are currently not "boyfriend and girlfriend." God, I _want_ to be, but until we're official, I am free to do what I want. So why do I feel so guilty? Is this a natural human emotion?

I hate hurting him like this. I know I have been. He called me on the 13th and I was distant (because of the guilt) and he took it as a sign that I was upset with him. I haven't heard from him since. Did I screw up? If so, how do I fix it? I don't want to lose him.

But at the same time, I don't want to lose Jacob either. He has been with me since I was born. I know I can count on him, no matter what. If something was to happen to mom and dad, he would protect me. He has always been by my side.

But if I choose someone else, will he accept that? Will he be able to still love me, like a brother? I know his love for mom changed and is now brotherly, but could that happen again? Can I hurt him like that?

Why should I settle? If I am happy with Nathan, or anyone else for that matter, shouldn't it then be my choice? Or will I be a part of the wolf clan forever? Can I be happy that way? Can I be happy without them?

Jake just texted me; he wants to see me tomorrow night. I told him I have plans, but will be available the day after that. I lied; I am actually free tomorrow night. But I hope to see Nathan and figure this out. I need to, I know. And best to do it before school starts. I don't need any distractions.

Oh, I forgot! Uncle Jasper won the chess tournament. Uncle Emmett was _so_ pissed; he demanded a rematch. He is such a child! Even Aunt Rosalie said that. Emmett then challenged her and she accepted. Two hours later, Emmett left in a fury to go hunting. You should have seen how happy Aunt Rosalie was to have beaten him! "My monkey man will get over it," she told me. I thought it was hilarious. I plan to challenge him myself. I know I'm not that good, but the way he's acting, I can beat him easily!

Dad was also amused by his tantrum. "Serves him right for not letting me play," he said. Course, I know the reason why he doesn't. He does too. But I think it still hurts his feelings. You know, Nathan doesn't know dad can read minds…maybe he'll play. It would be a great male bonding experience. And then dad can find out how serious Nathan is about me. That might help me with my dilemma.

By the way, dad knew about the tattoo…or lack of one. He said he couldn't believe that I would try to mark up my beautiful iridescent skin with ink. I told him that I didn't go through with it; the needles broke. He was surprised; since I'm half-human, he figured my skin would be soft. I told him before that my skin was hard like his. I think dad is still adjusting to a human in his life. When mom was human, he was pretty good at remembering that he had to be gentle with his touch, that she ate and slept and that she was susceptible to disease. But lately he has reverted back to old vampire ways. Not that that's bad, but sometimes I wonder if he'll hurt me accidentally. My skin is like granite, yes, but I can be injured. Uncle Emmett knows that.

I got to go. Grandpa Carlisle and Grandma Esme came over. They have a present for mom. Her birthday is a month away and they have a special treat…something dad will appreciate as well.

********

**A/N**: I think Jacob and Nathan need to have a throw down; don't you?


	22. August 31

Dear Diary,

I just got back from the mall where something weird happened. I was hanging out there with Lizzie, Sally, Nathan, Scott and Lisa; we had decided to spend our Friday just shopping and mingling around the food court. School had started up earlier this week and we were already aching for time off again.

Anyways, we were in the Sears parking lot after it closed talking and joking. Lizzie had mentioned that she was over her boyfriend and wanted to find someone else. She had a habit of getting bored with them when they didn't satisfy her. I told her that wasn't cool and she knew it, but that's how she was. Can't change her.

Because he knew her, Nathan gave Lizzie a hug. Totally innocent; I didn't mind at all. He then draped his arm around my neck; drawing me closer to him. It felt _so_ right. Then he pressed a kiss against my temple. I remember sighing and leaning into his kiss. He is so perfect.

Sally raised her eyebrows at us; she couldn't believe how comfortable I was with public affection. I shrugged happily. I want everyone to know that the gorgeous man with me was _with_ me, even though we hadn't said if we were boyfriend or girlfriend. I knew it; I could feel it.

It was getting on around ten o'clock when I noticed a few of the mall employees leave. A warm summer breeze blew past us and Nathan's head snapped to the right. He was fixated on something. I strained to see what he was focused on; but couldn't. Although I have great sight due to my "freakishness," I couldn't see anything. I said his name a few times and got no response. So I decided to elbow him and get his attention. I can easily regulate the pressure so not to hurt humans.

When he turned back to me, his eyes were black. It was frightening. It reminded me of dad's eyes when hunting. But these were fiercer; like they wanted to kill. I stroked his cheek gently, trying to bring him back to me. I didn't understand what was going on, but I knew something was wrong. This wasn't typical Nathan behavior.

His eyes softened a bit but remained black. He removed his arm from my neck and kissed my cheek gently. Then he excused himself and left. We just stared after him.

Sally asked if I knew what that was about. I told her I was just as clueless as her. I couldn't be sure that his eyes were black; it _was_ ten in the evening. They might have been their usual brown but his demeanor was so unusual and I was hallucinating.

We broke up shortly after that. When I got home, I asked mom about Nathan's reactions. She raised her eyebrows at the "black eyes" comment but said nothing. I guess she was just as confused as me. I know that mom has felt weird about Nathan for awhile, although I didn't know why. I guess this didn't help improve his image. But she and dad are smart; I thought she might be able to shed some light on it.

She didn't. Instead, she brought up Jacob. She said that although I am able to make my own choice, Jacob was a fine person and great friend to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that already. I've heard the stories.

I decided to come up here and get ready for bed. I need some serious "me" time. I need time to think about the two men in my life who want to date me. You should see my new pajamas! They are pink and have kittens on them. Aunt Alice bought them for me, of course. I probably won't wear them outside the house, but they are perfect for me; for private time.

Oh! Just got a text from Nathan. He said he was sorry about scaring me; he just had something he had to take care of. I'm going to let him sweat a bit. I won't reply until tomorrow. Besides, it's Saturday and I promised to spend the whole day with Aunt Rosalie and her car.

Still a little shaken up from what happened. I probably shouldn't be; I'm sure it's nothing. The fact that Nathan contacted me so quickly tells me I'm overreacting. And I am; I know I am. It's just that was the first time he has ever been anything but a gentleman in my presence. The first time that he could be intimidating or scary. I wasn't scared, more startled, but I can see how others might be. There was definite fear on Lisa's face. It was like he was possessed or something; like he wasn't here on Earth.

It's stupid. I know it's nothing. I mean, it's not like he's a vampire or anything….

********

**A/N**: Nessie is clueless, isn't she?

Thanks for reading. Please, please review!


	23. September 5

**A/N**: Sorry for the delay! I am doing a show and my schedule is filling up. I will try to get a few chapters up this weekend…when I'm not seeing _Remember Me._

Thanks for reading! Please review!

********

Dear Diary,

My birthday is coming up. I'm not that excited for it actually. I mean, I know I will stop aging at one point. I already have to a certain extent; I pretty much had a sixteen-year-old body when I was thirteen, except for boobs. I still don't have those. But mom and dad want me to keep counting until I'm twenty-five. We'll see if I make it that far. I may stop completely at seventeen like dad. And be completely flat like him too.

But I do enjoy getting presents. Who doesn't? Well, besides mom of course. She will be immortal forever and still hates it when dad buys her something. But they've come to a compromise. And she'd better not complain this year as he has a surprise for her. I personally think she'll love the romantic getaway he has planned. And I think it's _so_ sweet of him to do that for her.

And yet…I have to have a babysitter. I am almost seventeen; half-human, half-vampire and they don't want me to spend the weekend alone. Sheesh! How much trouble can I get in? Someone tries to break in, I snap his neck. The house catches on fire; I smell it early and run out. I get thirsty, I go hunting. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

Uncle Emmett will be "watching" me. It could be worse. He has promised lots of movies, hunting, fun and wrestling! Not arm wrestling, _real_ wrestling. Since dad won't be here to protect me, Emmett promises that we will wrestle like two boys. And Grandma Esme will be watching to make sure he doesn't cheat. It's funny that everyone automatically assumes that he cheats and I don't…boy are they wrong! But don't tell Uncle Emmett.

Aunt Rosalie has also offered to spend some time with me. I know she was nuts about me when I was little, but the older I got the more distant she became. I don't know why, but I hope we can bridge that gap this weekend. Maybe it's because I have too much of my mother's personality or sound a lot like dad. I know that his voice irritated Aunt Rosalie the first time she heard it, so maybe that's the problem. I also know she didn't care for mom much when she was human. Maybe since I'm half, she feels the same way.

That's not to say that we _never_ hang out, we do. But Aunt Alice always seems more eager to do things with me. Course, it always ends with her shopping of some sort. I can be such a damn pushover! Like a few weeks ago when I tried getting a tattoo; where did _that_ idea come from? And what the hell was I thinking? My skin is hard; a needle would break on it. I should have known better; that could be exposure. We don't need that. Jacob gets me into all kinds of trouble.

Speaking of exposure, I think Nathan knows what I am. Don't ask how I know, I just have a feeling. He's been looking at me strangely the last few days, ever since he went weird outside the mall. Not strange in a bad way, but strange nonetheless. It's like he knows something about me; knows that I have the strength of a hundred men and that my heart beats. I've been careful not to say anything in front of him and actually have been debating telling him. He is _so_ good to me and I hate lying. And that's what I feel like I'm doing. Would it be such a bad thing for him to know? I mean, dad told mom when she was human and she fell in love with him.

Oh God! Is _that_ it?! Is he in love with me? He can't be! I'm a freak! I only belong with other freaks; that's why I'm "betrothed" to Jacob. Nathan's feelings can't run that deep…can they?

And Jacob. God I love spending time with him. We hung out last night…okay we made out last night. He is _such_ a good kisser! I never would have expected it. I mean, it's _Jacob_, not Taylor Lautner or anything. But Nathan is also a good kisser. I can never get enough of either of them. I know I should feel guilty for cheating on both of them, but really I feel confused. Jacob feels right, but Nathan feels like my other half. I really hope that things work themselves out!

While I was with Jacob, his nose kept wrinkling up. I know I smell like a vampire and he hates that smell, but it's never gotten a reaction like that before. He asked if I've been hanging out with any other vampires besides the Cullens. I told him no, thinking that was an asinine question. Like there are other vampires who go to Forks High School! Seriously.

Let's see, what else? Oh, school started. I have two classes with Sally and geometry with Lizzie. She has a math brain and promised she would help me out if it got too rough. I told her it would; I suck at math; my grades prove that.

Carmen wants to try out for the improv team at school. It sounds like fun! I've seen Second City perform a few times and I think I can do it. I promised to show up on the day of auditions. I'll have to see, though, if it interferes with cheerleading.

Speaking of which, practice is a lot of hard work but so much fun! All of the girls are sweaty when we're done, save for one. Actually, that's not true. I do get a little sweaty, but not enough for anyone to notice. But people do notice my lack of sweat. I told them I have a glandular disorder. I just hope none of the girls have parents for doctors. Course if they do, I can sic Grandpa Carlisle on them! Or Emmett.

Lizzie is one of our captains. She makes a point at practice to not play favorites and I'm totally in agreement with that. Sally and I don't want to be treated differently. I try so hard to blend in everyday that special treatment would alienate me further.

I want to talk more, but Nathan's downstairs. He says he has a song he wants to play for me. He is so sweet; I hope I don't break his heart. But if I do, he'll heal. All humans do.


	24. September 13

Dear Diary,

My family threw a birthday party for me last night. Jacob was there. You should have heard him and Aunt Rosalie trying to one-up each other with the insults. It's always like that with them. I remember hearing them doing that when I was in mom's womb. Jake said I can't hear stuff like that and I reminded him that I was not your ordinary baby. One of the great things of being a Halfling! He asked what else I remembered and I told him that I loved hearing mom and dad talk. Dad's velvety voice was _so_ soothing in my bubble.

So anyways, Alice was in charge of the birthday party. And you know her! She always goes overboard on things like that. She had the whole house decorated with white, blue and pink balloons and streamers. She bought a huge cake which is pointless because Jacob and I are the only ones who will eat it. She even decorated the door to my room and of course had to pull out pictures of me as a baby. I know I grew fast but sheesh! I tried to remind her that mom's birthday is today and she ignored me. Dad told me that he has everything planned for mom and she is going to love it. As long as they take their lovemaking someplace where I can't hear it, I'm happy.

We played games such as non-alcoholic "I Never" and Twister and of course, chess. Uncle Jasper and Uncle Emmett refused to let dad play so he participated in Twister with Grandma Esme and me. He won. Grandpa Charlie and Grandpa Carlisle declined games and instead sat in the corner talking politics. Turns out they think a lot alike, which is funny considering their differences.

Jacob played chess. He was really good! Uncle Emmett was impressed; Jasper seemed to think it was normal. Jasper has always been kinder to the wolves than the others. They continued to play into this morning. In fact, when I came down for breakfast they were still well into the game. It looked like he was winning, but I could tell he was tired. He made a few mistakes due to fatigue and lost to Emmett. Then, of course, Uncle Emmett had to prance around the house doing a victory dance and Aunt Rosalie slapped him on the back of the head. That caused him to pick her up and take him to their home. No one in my family ignores their sexual urges…except me.

I have been thinking more and more about sex. All I basically know is what I hear from mom and dad. But I've been asking my friends questions and Googling it. Pathetic, huh? I'm thinking about giving Nathan my virginity. He hasn't said anything to me, but I'm getting tired of just kissing. Don't get me wrong; I _love_ kissing him but after awhile it gets old. He really doesn't move his hands too much, even though I've asked him to. When he does, it's from my shoulders to my hips and vice-versa. I'm beginning to think he doesn't want me.

If that's the case, then tell me. I'm a big girl, I can handle it. Maybe his instincts are keeping him back since he's human. I know it was difficult for mom and dad when they first had sex since she was human at the time; but they managed. Dad bruised her, which was par for course, and he flipped. Mom was cool with it, which everyone expected and somehow convinced him to do it again. Then they were fine.

But this should be different. First off, I'm not a complete vampire. Second, the human is male. Would I have to worry about crushing him? I can control my strength. Third, I'm positive he's not a virgin. Someone who looks like _that_?! Impossible.

Lizzie told me that Nathan has always been a gentleman. He would never pressure me into something that I don't want to do. But how would he know what I want and don't want when he remains stoic?! If he doesn't do anything, how do I know I'll like it? Or not? It's so frustrating!

And then of course, I've thought about Jacob too. Let's face it, he's buff. And sometimes when he's around, he's shirtless. The day he kissed me on the reservation, he removed his shirt and I traced the contours of his muscles with my finger. Wow! I was fascinated. I didn't want to stop, but we had to. I can't help imagining what he would feel like. That would be different, too, since he's a werewolf. Would he get too excited and phase? Would it even be able to happen? Would I bore him to death? Probably the latter.

Of course, I can't talk to my family about this. They would freak. Well, maybe Aunt Rosalie wouldn't. She always seems to be cool about things like this. But still, I don't want her saying something to my parents. And if I talk to her, most likely dad will read her mind. Sometimes I _really_ hate that about him…especially since I'm a teenage girl. It makes it hard to have privacy.

I think it's best to talk to my friends; see what kind of advice they can give me. I hope Sally can help me decide between Jacob and Nathan. Course, if Nathan doesn't want me like I suspect, then there's no choice. But even then, I wouldn't know what to do. Do I wear something to catch Jacob's eye? Do I initiate things? Do _I_ jump _him_? I am completely out of my element in this. Maybe it's best if I just forget about it all together. What is the big deal anyways? It seems silly. I get enjoyment out of drinking blood and hanging with my friends. Why do I have to do this? Is it some rite of passage? Like prom? Is it something that's better to wait until marriage? Or does that even matter? Should it be with someone you care about? Or a one-night thing?

I am completely clueless about this…maybe that's why Nathan has shown no interest. Maybe he wants a girl who's experienced. Kaitlyn would fit that mold perfectly; she's slept with almost every guy on the football team. How can a human resist that?


	25. September 18

**A/N**: The television show mentioned in this chapter is a favorite of mine, a classic from the 1960s. And it's another hint as to what Nathan _really_ is. But Nessie is still too ignorant to see it.

Don't worry; she'll figure it out soon…and so will Jacob.

********

Dear Diary,

I did laundry for the first time today. Complete and utter disaster! Who knew that you had to separate colors from whites? I didn't; no one told me! So now my white dress is pink. Can you believe it?! I am _so_ embarrassed. Aunt Alice was happy because it's an excuse for her to shop, but I'm not. If she wasn't so strong I probably would have ripped her throat out. And Uncle Jasper said to keep me away from the dishwasher! Mom and dad found it rather funny when I pulled my favorite dress out to reveal its new color. Dammit!

Nathan and I hung out yesterday. It was great; we haven't had much time together for the past week. I am still wondering about whether he wants to have sex with me or not; he's never said anything. In fact, our make out sessions are getting rather mundane. He keeps his hands at my hips. I know, it's great he's a gentleman and not taking advantage of me, but let's get real. I'm half-vampire. That is _not_ going to happen. And I want a little action. What's wrong with that?

He did throw me a birthday party. All the girls were there: Lisa, Carmen, Adora, Lizzie, and Sally. I thought it might be odd for him being the only guy there, but he fit right in. He pulled out board games and cards and we had great fun. Lizzie found a collection of _Dark Shadows_ DVDs and we became engaged in that. It is so hilarious how the vampire is portrayed in that show. He can't go out in the sun and doesn't have a reflection. Silly! And the teeth! Give me a break! Yes, my teeth are sharp but they aren't pointed like that. That's a myth. But, I guess all of those stories are. And don't even get me started on Anne Rice!

Honestly, I love that show. It was filmed live so sometimes you can see on-air mistakes. My favorite is when the fly landed on Jonathan Frid and didn't leave. It was hysterical watching him act with a fly crawling on his face. Also, when they look towards the camera they are actually reading the cue cards. The actors make it pretty obvious that they forgot their lines; but it's worth the laugh! And the actress who played Victoria was _so_ pretty. I never understood why Barnabas went after Maggie Evans first. She's pretty yes, but has nothing on Victoria! The girls, however, disagreed with me.

I have always wanted Josette's music box. To me, it was the ultimate symbol of love. Barnabas gives it to Josette as a token of his undying affection to her and carries it with him for almost 200 years. He gives it to his new "Josette" in the current time (1960s) because he never forgets his one true love. The tune is so beautiful and sad. I may check eBay to see if they have it available.

Nathan seemed pretty engrossed in it as well. He held my hand and kissed me a few times during it. I was surprised when he started talking about its inaccuracies. Sally knows, of course, but only because she knows about my freakishness. He doesn't know, so I wondered how he got everything right.

Sally wondered it too. She kept looking at us while we were watching it. She said she never noticed that we are alike in our looks; that is in how pale we both are. I never really paid attention either since I'm constantly surrounded by it. But I have more color than my family members, obviously. Funny what a beating heart does!

So anyways, the party was fun. Lisa gave me an iTunes gift card, Lizzie a burgundy sweater to match my Ugg boots, Adora gave me chocolate (yum!), Sally was a book on the Kama Sutra (embarrassing!), Carmen a gold necklace with a sapphire on it, and Nathan wrote a poem. The poem was about me. He wrote a poem about me! It was _so_ sweet! He talked about how beautiful I was and that he's never met anyone like me. I was floored when I opened it; he had framed it too! And it looked like it was written in calligraphy. I didn't know he could write like that! Smart, gorgeous, funny, protective, romantic, sweet, talented…I could go on. Could this get any better?

Of course, the girls were jealous. For once, they were jealous of _me._ I was the center of attention and I loved it. I mainly hang out in the background. True, I choose that most of the time, but sometimes not. Sometimes I want to be shown off and adored. I want to feel beautiful, is that such a bad thing?

Mom asked me "what if Jacob sees the poem?" I told her I don't care; I don't belong to him. Yes, I enjoy hanging out with him and he's a fantastic kisser, but I am free to do what I want. Like Nathan, he has never pressured me to do something I don't want to do. I appreciate that. But I don't feel the urge to have sex with him like I do Nathan. A part of me thinks "if you get pregnant, you'll have puppies." I _know_ that's not true, but I couldn't help it! I have dreamt about what it would be like and I see it as being awkward, strange. Jake just doesn't seem like the type of guy to have sex with. I don't know; maybe he's gay.

Aunt Rosalie has shown up to give me a lesson in laundry-washing. It's bad enough that the whole family knows about it, but now they want to "help." I would rather never do it again, but that idea is futile. If I go off to college it will be necessary, right? Well, maybe not. Maybe I could pay someone to do it….

**A/N**: Thanks for reading. Please review!


	26. September 22

Dear Diary,

Carmen and I made the improv team! Twice a week we will train and then perform each weekend. It shouldn't interfere with cheerleading at all and if it does, it's okay. There were 30 people who made it and about six who didn't. I felt bad for those people but they were not funny. I was surprised that I made it as I did screw up one of the routines. But I guess they were okay with that.

Dad did express concern. One wrong move and I could expose everyone. I told him that I'll be fine, it's improvisation, not hunting. I'm not a full vampire. Yes, I have more strength and will have to watch it, but that shouldn't be difficult. I do that every day. I'm less likely to crack a rib or break a bone if I fall during a skit, in fact I'd probably bounce. I see this as a win-win situation. If it gets to be too hard, then I'll quit. But for right now, I'm having fun.

Now I have cheerleading and improv to pass the day. Less free time, but that's okay. I'll be alive for a _long_ time; I can afford to be busy for awhile. However, Jacob was not happy when I told him I made the team. He complained that he doesn't see me that much anyways and now he'll see _less_ of me. I told him what I just said above; I can afford to be busy for awhile. He said that he understood, but he missed me. He _missed_ me. That was sweet. And it made me realize that yes; I haven't been spending much time with him.

So I promised to today. We hung out at La Push and had a picnic lunch. I brought fried chicken, Cheetos and sparkling grape juice. Jacob made a chocolate cake. Yes, made. It was amazing! The best cake I've ever had. And of course, we spent some time kissing. I cannot get enough when he does it. I told you that when Nathan kisses me it was heart-stopping and it still is that way, I can't think straight. But Jacob's are soul-stopping. I can't feel anything then…except for tingles shooting all through me. I wonder how he became so experienced but then decided I don't want to know. The truth is better left unsaid.

I just realized I'm smiling. I'm smiling thinking about Jacob's kisses. He is also a gentleman; never pushes me to do anything. I'm glad about that as I want Nathan to be my first. But in a way, I wish that guys would not treat me so well. Yes, yes, I know that's good that they don't want to take advantage of me, especially since there are _so_ many creeps out there, but I'm not porcelain. I won't break. Maybe my skin tone confuses them; they think I am a doll. Well, Aunt Alice does.

I was actually late getting home due to our…activities. Mom wanted me home by four so we could go hunting. I didn't get back until six. She wasn't mad because Jacob called her and took the blame. She said that I can't go out for the rest of the weekend as punishment, but that's fine with me. The sun is shining. I don't sparkle, but I hate being out in it, especially since tanning does not happen for me.

Jacob told me I'm beautiful. It was nice hearing it from him, although I didn't believe him. I hear that all the time from my family, but they're required to say it. Even if I was the ugliest person in the world they would still tell me I'm beautiful. Maybe in their eyes I would be, regardless. But Jacob is not family, no matter how much he wants to be. And I know we're betrothed but he doesn't have to compliment me. I'm nowhere near a pretty as mom so I think he was just being nice. You know, making me feel good so I'll agree to stay with him. That seems like something he'd do.

Nathan tells me the same thing. And he makes me feel that way most of the time. But I'm insecure. I'm insecure with my looks due to my freakish nature. Why should I believe them? Anyone who is not family could lie. Hell, my family could lie but they're family; it's allowed. You're not supposed to believe them anyways. I tell Uncle Emmett that he's funny when he's annoying because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'm his favorite niece, it would crush him. And it's not like he's _not_ funny, he is. But sometimes he plays practical jokes that border on immaturity. That is annoying. Then I feel like the Cullen family has two kids, with me being the mature one. Nice juxtaposition, huh? The younger is more mature.

It seems like when I start believing it, something comes along to knock me down. I felt pretty good about myself yesterday and then Kaitlyn started on my hair again. She said that redheads were freaks of nature and we shouldn't exist. Because redheads are part of a recessive gene she figured we weren't "normal." She said the only beauties were blonds. I know she said it just to get a rise out of me, but it really hurt. Nathan was with me and totally stood up for me, but it didn't matter. I burst into tears and went right home.

Dad was ready to break her neck, not just for hurting me, but for insulting him as well. Dad's red hair is one of his best features; I know that mom loves it. She was furious when I changed my hair. She thought it was an insult. The red has since grown back since I colored it last summer. Now I'm back to my normal self. I think that brown eyes don't go with red hair so I plan to change that. I have already talked to Grandpa Carlisle about getting me an eye doctor. I will see if he or she will prescribe me contacts. If so, I want colored…blue. Red hair and blue eyes look great together. Then maybe I'll be pretty.

**A/N**: Poor Nessie. She is still dealing with insecurities. I know how she feels.

Thanks for reading! Please review!


	27. September 30

**A/N**: Sorry about the delay in updating.

********

Dear Diary,

I am sitting here stunned. That is the only way to describe it. One hundred percent STUNNED! I don't know what to do. Nathan…is a half-ling like me. That explains his strange behavior lately, but not why he lied to me.

How did I find out? I was hunting. I started off with Uncle Emmett and ended up going off on my own. I veered off-course because I smelled deer in the area. After draining one I heard a growl. No one was around me so I followed the sound. I climbed the trees so I could get a better view. I had figured it was Emmett and I was going to tackle him by surprise. It wasn't. I saw a streak of black hair cross my path and smelled a familiar scent. Then it hit me.

I silently approached the form, praying that I wasn't seen, and saw Nathan tackle a mountain lion. His eyes were black like ours. He wrestled it, getting his shirt ripped in the process, and broke the cat's neck. Then he drank quickly. The blood ran down his chin and then his head snapped in the direction of hunters in the area. I realized that he was not a vegetarian. To him, it didn't matter what was in the woods. I found it odd, because he hasn't hurt any of our friends. But maybe that's why; they're our friends. Course, if he's a half-ling like me then he doesn't drink blood all the time.

Mom told me that she knew what he was. She said that she could smell it the first time he stepped into the house, but when dad read his mind and saw that he was very serious about me, she began to worry. She told me that it's _my_ decision whom I want to be with, whether it be Jacob, Nathan, or someone else. Her worry was that two half-lings could be trouble, especially if we did decide to start a family. As I am half-human, I can reproduce. I told her that I'm only seventeen now; I'm not even thinking about that for awhile. Mom understood, but just wanted me to be aware. Two half-lings reproducing could equal trouble if the child born was more vampire than human. It could be hard to control him or her. I told her that a child could be more human than vampire; it all depends. Would it be any better if I reproduced with a human? The child could still have vampire tendencies.

Why am I even thinking like this? I'm seventeen. Yes, I know I've wanted to have sex, but not start a family. Mom was nineteen when she had me; I'm hoping to be in my twenties when I get married. I know that my body has stopped growing, but I will still age, mentally at least. Dad is over one hundred now and trapped in a seventeen-year-old body. Even if I am twenty by my standard, I will physically stay at this age.

So anyways…why did Nathan lie to me? Why didn't he tell me that he was like me? I feel like such a fool! Here I was thinking that he was this _great_ guy and all the while he was lying to me. Well, he's still a great guy, but he's half a guy…I think.

It worries me that he is not a vegetarian. I wonder if I can change him into one. Uncle Jasper chose to not eat people, though it was hard for him when mom was human. He was constantly fighting the urge to kill her. Course, dad was the same way, but he had more control. And finally it got to the point with dad that her blood didn't have the same affect.

I have heard the birthday party story more times than I can count. I know Jasper still feels guilty about it, even though mom is no longer fragile. I do worry at times that my humanness will be too much for him, but so far I'm fine (obviously).

Would Nathan ever lunge at me since I'm half-human? I doubt it as he is too. But you never know. At least we are evenly matched in a fight. That _so_ explains that night we were jumped, how he was able to fight all the guys off. That also explains Jacob. He asked me if I had been around any other vampires besides my family. I told him no and it was the truth at the time. He is so used to my scent and my family's as well that an unusual scent would be like a red flag to him.

Why didn't he notice it at first, though? I've been with Nathan for awhile. Unless he _did_ notice it and never said anything until recently. Maybe the scent got stronger? Because of my raging hormones I may have triggered Nathan's scent when we kissed. His hormones are not raging as he has never shown interest in me that way.

I am so confused as to what to do. I guess the most important thing is to talk to him, find out why he lied to me and go from there. I still want to be with him if possible. It may sound crazy, but I'm starting to like the idea of two half-lings together. We could have a lot of fun. What's the expression? Take the town by storm? Yeah, we could do that. Not eat people, of course, but two of us around being human until danger presents itself and then helping those in need. Like superheroes. Yeah, _that_ would work!

Nessie and Nathan, superheroes at your service.


	28. October 5

**A/N**: I am sorry for the delay. Life has been crazy.

Dear Diary,

Homecoming is this weekend. I'm taking Jacob. I know that I'll get all of these weird looks because the whole school thinks I'm with Nathan. And they're right…to a point.

I spoke to him. I told him that I know what he is and his response was "what took you so long?" He apparently had figured me out when we met. He said it was my smell. How the hell did I not figure it out sooner? I live with full-fledged vampires; how could I _not_ smell a half-ling?

Anyways, we've talked. And we want to continue seeing each other. He is so good for me. Now that I know, the family is more willing to have him around. They didn't want to grow too attached because they feared that I wouldn't want to be with a half-ling. They figured either only werewolves or humans for me. But they are happy that I met another one like me.

So why am I taking Jacob to the Homecoming dance? Nathan is out of town and I said that I needed to spend time with Jake. He's been patient with me and I wanted to reward him.

Is that weird? Is that weird that although I'm seeing Nathan I'm going to the dance with another guy? Probably. But I refuse to feel guilty. How many times have I said that I don't belong to Jacob? Well, I don't belong to Nathan either. I belong to my family. I will do what I think is right for me and for them. Yes, I hope to get enjoyment out of being with both Jacob and Nathan, but ultimately I will make the decision as to whom I choose.

I can't risk exposing us. It's a fine line that I walk. Jake knows, of course, because he used to be in love with mom. He's more human than Nathan is. But falling in love with a human who has no idea can lead to unexpected consequences. I would hate for us to break up and he reveals what we are. Then my family would have to kill him and for what? For being with _me._ It's not fair to the human or me. Or mom or dad.

I'm keeping my options open. I've made it clear to both of them that I'm not going to be in a committed relationship for awhile. I'm seventeen; give me a break. I'm going to live forever, why would I want to get tied down now? Forever is a long time and I don't know when I'll find that special person. Mom will forever be frozen at nineteen but she made the choice to be with dad. I hope she won't regret it. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad with every fiber of my being, but I wonder how she puts up with him sometimes. His mood swings are erratic. Yes, he's happy but he still has his days.

Like yesterday. I came home from school to hear him yelling at Uncle Emmett regarding a bet he made. Dad really isn't one for gambling, but took a chance on this one and Emmett messed up. He thought for sure that Lucky Strike would be the horse to win and he came in dead last. Dad had put up $5000 and lost it all. To be fair, Aunt Alice saw that horse winning as well. But her visions are subjective and the jockey at the last minute couldn't pull it out. So needless to say dad was furious.

Then I mentioned that I was taking Jacob to the Homecoming dance and dad blew a gasket at that. He said that I shouldn't be leading him on when I have Nathan; I need to grow up and make a choice. I told him I'm seventeen; I deserve to be a kid. Then he _really_ went off. When he does that, I generally tune him out. His tantrums do not help anybody and he knows that. Mom told him to chill but he left to go hunting. When he returned, he apologized to me and continued to give Uncle Emmett grief. But at least he was better.

Still, mom is a strong woman. To put up with dad when he acts like that is amazing. It really shows how much she loves him. She is willing to overlook his shortcomings because she knows he is a loving husband and father. And in the end, isn't that what counts?

Yet, I don't know if that's enough for me. What if I commit my existence to Nathan and he turns volatile? He's proven to me that he has a temper. And when the vampire side of him appears, he doesn't hold back. He attacks humans. I would have to try and convince him to be a vegetarian and what if it doesn't work? My family will hate him for that. Will they accept him? I don't know. They accepted Uncle Jasper even though he's struggled with it. But he tries. He _wants_ to be a vegetarian. Nathan seems to enjoy the dark part of this curse. I'm just not sure about him.

But I do enjoy spending time with Nathan. And the good thing about him is that he will live forever like me. So at least if I choose him I can be guaranteed that he won't ever leave me or this world at least. He may decide to leave me if I get too annoying for him. Or if Uncle Emmett scares him, which he's promised to do.

Anyways, I am going to the Homecoming dance with Jacob. Nathan is fine with it. I will be spending time with him the next weekend so he can't complain. As of right now, I want them both. And until I make a clear decision, that is how it will be. Hey, I'm selfish. Definitely my father's daughter.

**A/N**: Nessie is following in her mother's footsteps.

Thanks for reading! Please review!


	29. October 14

Dear Diary,

Homecoming went well. Kaitlyn had to spread rumors about me. She said that the "freak" was cheating on her boyfriend because she couldn't hold his attention. He would look at other girls and so I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. I just rolled my eyes at her. It's not worth getting into an argument, especially when I know it's not the truth. She's always had a little crush on Nathan and can't understand why "the freak" got him.

Nathan said he was fine with me going with Jacob, but immediately came over Sunday to see me. He said he knows that Jacob and I are friends, but he wants to be the special one. You should have seen the way he kissed me! I always melt at his kisses, but this was Earth-shattering! It was as though he wanted to devour me, which in a way, he does. He's never been so passionate about me in my life. But all of that changed.

He told me that he's a gentleman and doesn't want to take advantage of me. He knows that my family consists of eight full-fledged vampires and he wouldn't stand a chance if he hurt me. He would be able to hold his own for a little while, but would eventually be taken down by my family (probably Uncle Emmett). I told him that I understood but his treating me with respect hurt my feelings (does that make any sense?). I said that yes, I want to be respected, but I also want to be desired. There is _nothing_ wrong with kissing the woman you respect passionately, as though you can't get enough of her. He told me that he wants me very much but holds back out of that respect. I told him to knock it off and grow some balls.

And seriously, who is going to disrespect me? I have incredible strength. All I have to do is break someone's arm for him or her to know I mean business. I may think of myself as a "freak," but I _do_ know that I have privileges that others don't. And I use them to get what I want.

Anyways, Nathan's kisses have become more passionate. And he's started roaming a bit with his hands. We were making out on the couch at his place the other night when his left hand moved from behind my hand to grab my ass. He was pressing me against him so we could be closer. I could feel his human warmth against me and it was amazing! The monster part of us had no trouble ripping our shirts off, but our human conscience stopped it from going too far, luckily. I know I said I want to sleep with him, but now is not the time. I'm not looking for a "lay," I'm looking for romance and passion. And doing it with someone I love. It needs to be special.

I was glad I wore my pink polka-dotted bra and matching panties! Not that he got that far, but it made me feel good to know I matched. I couldn't imagine anything more humiliating when you are being intimate than unmatched underwear. Aunt Alice really has had an influence over me. GAH!

Nathan seemed to appreciate it regardless. He pulled back and gently traced the edge of my bra with his hand, sending shivers down my spine. I'm not big, in fact I feel like I have nothing, but he didn't seem to mind. That surprised me; I thought all guys wanted big boobs. He whispered I was "perfect." It was too low to hear with human ears, but my vampire hearing picked it up with no problem. I smiled and blushed like mom. He laughed then and said "adorable" in the same volume.

I like that human side of me. The fact that I can blush and grow warm or cold thrills me to no end. It means I won't miss out on experiences. And I don't want to. I know I will live forever and I want to have memories so in 1000 years I can say "when I was seventeen, I blushed profusely." I have a feeling my humanness will disappear completely after a few decades as it will die. Then I will be completely a vampire. I won't need human food anymore, but hopefully with all the training I've had, I'll be able to control the monster in me. Hopefully I can continue to only eat animals and not others of my kind. But if I do become a complete vampire, will I even remember my humanness? Or will I be a savage like that bitch Victoria who hunted my mom? Only eternity will tell.

Mom and dad don't know the answer to this as I am a rare breed. But with Nathan now, maybe we can find out. He really is my age, not just in appearance. He told me that he's curious as well to know what will happen when we get older. He also wonders when we will officially stop "aging." I told him I will stop after twenty-five. I want to at least be able to drink. He likes twenty-one.

I can still get sick, but it's never bad. Generally, just a cold. My vampiric side quickly cures me of whatever ailment I may have. I think I've only been sick a total of two days at the most. It does make me wonder what will happen the day that my powers don't work; when I will get majorly sick and have to go to the hospital. What happens then? At least blood flows through my veins so they won't think I'm a walking corpse…unlike my family.

Nathan seems to sense that Jacob is still around and he's marking his territory. Boys! Why can't they just accept the fact that I like both of them? Do they have to make it a competition? And why do I put up with it? What is it about Jacob that makes him irresistible to me? He's a great kisser, but is that it? Is it because I'm "betrothed" to him? He _is_ charming; even mom couldn't resist that. And he's cute and buff, but is my interest in him purely physical? I hadn't considered having sex with him before but maybe I should so I can get him out of my system. Course, if it is physical I may just crave him even more. but then that's what Nathan is for.

Dammit! Too much drama. I need a distraction. I'm going shopping with Aunt Rosalie. Talk to you later!

**A/N**: What do you think Renesmee should do?

Thanks for reading. Please, please review! Get me to 50 and I'll post a steamy make out session between Nathan and Nessie.


	30. October 22

**A/N**: You guys rock! You pushed the last chapter over 50 reviews! Because of that, the next one will be guaranteed to have a steamy make-out session.

Dear Diary,

Things have been pretty uneventful this week. Kaitlyn tripped on her shoelace during cheerleading practice and fell flat on her face. I felt bad, actually. All of the girls were laughing. It's not as though she doesn't deserve it with how she treats everyone, but I still felt bad for her. Her right cheek was scraped and she caused a concussion. They took her to the hospital and she remained overnight. I'm sure we'll all hear about her "traumatic event" for weeks.

She wasn't even doing anything, really. We had just finished from a break and were forming our line when she tripped and fell. She made an "EEEEEE" sound as she braced for impact. If no one had been around, I would have used my vampire speed to get to her and then pull back before she would know it's me. Then look at her as though she was insane. In a situation like that, it's easy to discredit a "vampire sighting."

But people were around and I was on the opposite side of the line. So I watched, helplessly, as she fell. And then watched Leslie laugh loudly and say she deserved it. Does anyone _really_ deserve to fall? Or fall and hurt themselves? Even if they are the worst person in the world, do they deserve that?

Mom said it was very noble of me to care about Kaitlyn even if we don't get along. She said that empathy is a gift given to humans and that is _definitely_ my human side showing through. She said that she lost empathy when turned. Of course, she cares about her family, but if she was in my position, she probably would have laughed along with the others. Vampires are, by nature, a cold creature, both physically and emotionally. They have to be, it's their key to survival. Yet all of us Cullens have managed to develop human feelings along the way. That's why we hunt animals. That's why dad fell in love with a human. That's why I was created.

Uncle Jasper said he was proud of me for being so caring. As the one who can read emotions that made me feel good. He could read that I was not lying; I really _did_ want to help her. I'm not looking to be Kaitlyn's friend; not at all. I know we can never be. But that doesn't mean I wish her ill-will.

What else? Uncle Emmett got kicked out of his house for watching too much football. Didn't think it was possible, but Aunt Rosalie had some big plans that he wormed his way out of. Needless to say, she was _not_ amused. I love my aunt, but am scared to see her upset. It's like a scene from _The Exorcist._ Her head spins around and she speaks in tongues. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but it's still bad! She kicked him out for a whole day until he found "how far up his ass he placed his head." I didn't understand, but mom and dad roared with laughter. They let Emmett stay overnight (why? It's not like he sleeps) and then he went groveling back. I think he just missed not getting his daily action. I know he and Aunt Rosalie are insatiable, almost as bad as mom and dad. Almost.

They have managed to be better about making noises when in the throes of passion. But sometimes I can still hear them. Like last night. Their muffled attempts to be quiet were just that…attempts. Every time they'd try, mom would let a squeal leak out or dad would break something. Then it's back to square one. I guess the challenge of being quiet turns them on even more, but it doesn't help me in the sleep department! I placed both my pillows over my head and rolled onto my side. Then they moved. They _moved!_ Mom and dad left the bedroom in search of a new adventure. I guess they figured I was out of ear shot. _Hello_! Vampire hearing! I can hear the neighbor across the street!

You remember that scene in _Pretty Woman_ where Richard Gere makes love to Julia Roberts on the piano? Yeah, that's what they did. They re-enacted that scene, complete with costumes and all. I am _never_ going near that piano again!

I hung out with Jake last night on the reservation. He and others of the tribe had a bonfire. It was so neat watching the flames disappear into the sky. Fire really is beautiful; the way the colors mesh together. Blue flame is the hottest of all (yes, I did learn something in chemistry class). I saw blue flame at the base of the fire. It was mesmerizing. It reminded me that yes, a vampire can be burned. Although it takes a lot more for us to die, fire can do it. One of the few ways if we are not careful. I was so engrossed in my thoughts and the beauty of the flame that I totally missed Jacob ride his motorcycle _over_ the bonfire. He did it again and again. I told him that he'd better be careful; he'll get burned.

Being his usual, cocky self he told me he wouldn't. Apparently he does this stunt every night, I just happened to be there to witness it. I told him that I don't want a boyfriend who's reckless. _That_ stopped him cold. He said "I'm your boyfriend?" I told him that he's in the running. I mean, come on, I'm _betrothed_ to him! Of course he's being considered! Just because I'm getting my kicks now doesn't mean I won't be with him in the future. It's my choice! Duh! Boys are _so_ dumb sometimes.

So yeah, he's reckless. He told me that my mom didn't mind. I reminded him that she only used him to remember dad. _That_ pissed him off. He started phasing and ran off into the woods. I felt bad; I hadn't meant to anger him. I called this morning and he said that he wasn't angry with me, he was angry with himself. At the time, he had been so in love with mom that he didn't realize it. He just thought that she wanted to be with him. I said yes, she did, but she did stupid and reckless things because she heard dad's voice. It told her that he was real, not a dream.

I do know the whole story about what happened. Uncle Jasper had been worried about me knowing; he thought I might not take it so well. I said that was in the past; it was before I was even born! Why would it affect me? Being a half-ling, I have both human and vampire emotions. I can understand why dad left mom. I can understand he did it because he loved her and thought he was protecting her. I can understand mom's pain and heartbreak. But the important thing is that they are together now. And happy. That makes them making love on the piano almost worth it. Almost.

Jacob is still having issues with Nathan. He knows someone else is around but doesn't _totally_ know who it is. And that drives him nuts. I've seen his friends out on our land every once in awhile so I'm guessing they are spying on me. Well, spy all they want. I am living my _life_ before it becomes my existence. If that isn't human, then I don't know what is!

**A/N**: Thanks so much for reading. Please, please review. Let's get to sixty!


	31. October 26

**A/N**: Well, here is the make out chapter with Nessie and Nathan. Just a little taste of what's to come.

Dear Diary,

I have just returned from Nathan's home…where we spent most of it making out! I couldn't believe it. I told him that I don't think he wants me that way and he said he did and proved it by driving me nuts! I always enjoyed his kisses but lately they're boring. It was always the same old thing, simple pucker or press of lips against mine, really no passion or energy behind it. It still stops my heart when he does it, but I'm used to it now.

Tonight, however, was different. He pulled me to him passionately and assaulted my mouth. I felt his tongue asking for permission and I quickly granted it, wanting a taste of what is Nathan. Wow! He tasted like blackberries! I am _not_ kidding. I'm guessing that's the vampire part of his scent. Dad told me that as vampires, we have distinct nature scents. He has a woodsy smell. Nathan is blackberries and another scent as yet unidentified. Vanilla?

I worried about how I tasted to him when he pushed me back on the couch, obviously wanting to continue. That made me feel better, less self-conscious. I continued to inhale his berry scent as he continued mingling his tongue with mine. He knew he could press all of his weight against me and not hurt me, so he did. One hand went to my hair and the other wrapped around my waist. He was so sweet and gentle! He peppered my neck with kisses as well and nipped my ear.

I have had zero experience in this area so I wasn't sure what to do. It was as though instinct took over. My hands wound their way into his black hair and I moaned into his mouth. I felt my left leg bend and draw him closer to me. Even though we were fully clothed, it was still erotic! There was a charge that hadn't been there before.

His lips on my neck did not go unnoticed. I felt it heat up and my heart rate increase as his warm lips met my skin. I also knew that he could sink his teeth in at any time. Although I'm like him, I can still die; any vampire can. Dad could sink his teeth into mom hard enough and rip her head off if he wanted. He never would, of course, but that's how he killed Victoria.

Would Nathan do that to me? I sincerely hope not! I've never known another vampire to kill another in the heat of passion. Would it be different as I'm half? Would it be different as _he's_ half? Maybe his teeth aren't as lethal. I will have to ask Uncle Jasper for more information. I can't ask my parents; they'd flip. Jasper seems to be more understanding when it comes to the heart of a teenage girl. Don't ask why that is. And the calming thing helps too.

When my lips missed him, he returned. His hand in my hair left and he gently cradled my neck. I noticed that our body heat had increased significantly and I worried that we were going to catch the couch on fire. Nathan shifted so his weight wasn't on me and when he moved I unbuttoned his shirt. He grabbed my hand and held it over my head. The look in his eyes said "I want you but not tonight." How far did he think we were going to go? All I wanted was a bit of make out so I could feel pretty. Men. Seriously.

I told him I knew that but I still wanted him without a shirt on. I could clearly see he was wearing a tee-shirt under his buttoned-up one. That seemed to make him happy and he quickly discarded that one with his vampire speed. I heard the "twick!" of the buttons hitting the walls as they flew off the shirt. I sighed at the movement and he shrugged. He told me that it was an old shirt and was due to be retired. I wonder what his mom will think when she discovers the buttons all over. Then again, maybe I don't want to know….

I ran my fingers up and down his arms, eliciting a shiver from him. His grip on me tightened and one hand returned to my hair. The feeling of his fingers through my hair felt fantastic! I hoped he would never stop. He moaned my name into my mouth as my tongue entered his and gently massaged his tongue. He flipped us over so I was on top and I gripped his neck for support. His other hand moved to my butt and he held me there tightly, not wanting to break contact.

Never in a million years would I guess that Nathan had such passion in him! He kept saying my name over and over and trying so hard to please me, not that it took much. I told him later that I'm completely inexperienced in this field. As long as he doesn't break my arm, I'll probably enjoy it.

Ah, there's the test. How much strength can he use before he does that? Yes, I'm tougher than the average human but I can still break a bone. The blood flowing through my veins will heal it, just like venom in my parents, but I still don't want to experience it. Although, if I did, I would know what to avoid in the future. When my body completely changes and I'm just a vampire, I may miss knowing how pain feels. Is that even possible? Oh God, I'm a masochist like dad!

Anyways, we probably stayed there on that couch making out for about an hour. My lips are swollen from the pressure of his lips. My God they were amazing! Soft but firm, warm but moist. Wow! And they fit perfectly with mine, even better than Jacob's. Nathan's hands are soft, despite playing piano and he acted like I was the keys. He gently tapped his fingers over my body like he was playing a tune. I thought it was cute.

Just like my parents, our eyes darken when we are angry or aroused. His brown eyes turned jet-black and I could see mine reflected back. That could be a problem if I'm ever with another human. He won't know what to do. I guess I won't let that great making out happen. Dammit!

Now all I can think about is making out with him. I don't want that to be the only thing we do together, but now that I've had a taste, I want more! Nothing went too far, all PG stuff, but it was enough to make me want more. How can I sleep now knowing what this feels like? The feeling of being desired. What happened to feeling like the freak? Now I feel beautiful.

**A/N**: Not to worry, Jacob fans! He'll get his chance too. I think a little friendly competition is healthy, don't you?

Thanks for reading. Please review!


	32. October 31

**A/N**: This entry is on Halloween. I think we can all figure out why it's Nessie's favorite holiday.

Dear Diary,

Happy Halloween! I am heading off to a party at Leslie's soon. I can't wait! I love Halloween. It's the one time of year that I can be someone and something that I'm not. Instead of being half-human, I can be whole. Instead of being half-monster, I can be whole. Instead of being a "freak," I can be real. For one day, everyone is a "freak." For one day, I fit in. For one day a year.

Adora is dressing as a lumberjack, complete with the Paul Bunyan cap. She looks great! The one thing I worried about was her chest. She's rather large and I wasn't sure if she was going to tape herself down to be the man. She said no, she'd just wear a large shirt. Makes sense.

Lisa is a princess. Her dress is lilac and she has that cone crown with a white scarf hanging out the back of it. She has pinned some plastic butterflies to her dress to be the "Butterfly princess." She even bought wings separate and is carrying a glittered star on a stick. She thinks she's twelve, obviously.

Susan is Sally the Rag Doll from _The Nightmare Before Christmas._ The dress was too big for her so she took it in and the stockings ran when she put them on for the first time. She said she was picking some up on her way to Leslie's. She asked this guy, Joshua, to go as Jack Skellington. Joshua is captain of the basketball team and _very_ hot. If I wasn't interested in Jacob and Nathan, I would _so_ make a play for him. Anyways, he agreed and we get to see him in his Skellingtonness tonight. _Christmas_ is his favorite movie and he claims to know everything about the movie, so we're putting him to the test.

She has had a crush on him for-_ever_! I knew about it in junior high. He asked her to dance at our Homecoming dance in eighth grade and since then it's been nothing but Joshua! Well, little did we know that he's been harboring the same crush on her! And when she asked him to the party, he confessed all. He said he loved watching her during our cheerleading routines. I found it kind-of creepy but she thought it was sweet. So tonight is their first date.

I found it humorous when Carmen decided to go as a vampire. She has the black dress, false teeth, blood down her chin, pale skin. She looks exactly like the myth that's portrayed in movies. When we all told each other what we were going as, Sally exchanged a look with me at Carmen's idea. Since Sally knows all about it, she knows what vampires are _not._ But of course, we can't say otherwise.

Sally is Little Bo Beep. She even bought a little stuffed sheep to carry around. She is _so_ cute. I wish I had thought of that. But she's always liked fairytales and stories like that so it's fitting.

Leslie is going as…a cheerleader! Imagine that! She is stuffing her bra to make herself bigger and shortening the skirt, but yup, no costume there. She figured since the party's at her house, she can go as what she wanted. I agree.

Nathan is a gangster. He looks _so_ handsome in the suit. He has the spats and a fedora and Tommy gun. He even has some cash sticking out of his pocket. I told him to pin it or people will steal it. Then he got the brilliant idea to speak in an Italian accent. It's horrible! He sounds more Spanish than Italian. I told him to check an accent CD out of the library, but he told me he'd just eat an Italian. Yeah, cause _that_ works. I knew he was joking. Once he found out that we were vegetarians, he decided to try it. So far, so good.

I thought about going as a doll to his gangster, but changed my mind. He was disappointed, but he'll live. Me? I'm going as the St. Pauli Girl. I bought a blond wig and the outfit and even some beer steins. I can't wait to get dressed! I'm going to look so cute. I also bought a corset to give the impression that I have breasts. Nathan has no idea; I told him I want to surprise him…and the girls. I think he will love it!

I love that beer. I know that I shouldn't drink it as I'm underage, but with my fake id, no problem! I was first introduced to it by Kaitlyn, who sneaked some in at cheerleading camp last summer. Yes, Kaitlyn let me have some even though she's a bitch. She was feeling generous one night after having too much. I didn't want it at first and she turned mean, saying I was a princess and should live a little. Since no one in my family consumes human food, no one has really told me that I _couldn't_ try it.

So I did. It was bitter at first but then I really liked it. I made sure to only drink one. Know what I discovered? Venom negates the alcohol! I could drink several more before I would feel the effects. Interesting, huh? Nathan agreed and said that was one of the great things about being a half-ling. We can drink and not get drunk, we can consume food and the venom destroys it. I can and have eaten a whole pizza and not worried about gaining a pound. That would be horrible! I could never show up to cheerleading practice if that happened.

Anyways, the girls are going to get ready at Leslie's before the party; that way we don't have to worry about any strange looks as we drive there. Although, with it being Halloween, it goes with the territory. But this way we can see all of our costumes at the same time and do each other's makeup.

Nathan showed me his outfit yesterday. I was so blown away at how he looked that I jumped on him and started kissing him. Due to his strength, he was able to hold me with my legs wrapped around him. I melted against his body and tightened my grip on his neck. He kissed me back just as passionately and we fell on the couch. What was supposed to be a quick visit turned into two hours of making out.

Dad was _pissed_ when I sneaked into my room at ten. He was waiting for me. I didn't have to turn on the light as I could see and smell him as soon as I climbed in. He asked what happened and I told him that Nathan and I got to talking and then I went hunting. Like mom, I am not an effective liar. He read my thoughts and knew what happened. He forbade me from going to Leslie's party but when I whined to Uncle Emmett, he relented. Uncle Emmett can be very persuasive when it comes to me. Actually, he said that if dad didn't let me go he was going to kick his ass from here to New York. Dad can handle himself, but he didn't want to give Uncle Emmett the satisfaction. So he said I could go to the party.

Speaking of parties, the adults here are having one of their own. They tried to "censor" it because I'm seventeen and I told them that I know what sex is and they don't have to hide it. That of course brought a whole new round of questions such as how much I know about, etc. God! All I did was tell them that they don't have to shelter me and I get the third degree! Then dad started wondering if maybe I was having sex with Nathan last night and that's why I was late. This is one time I'm glad he can read minds; my thoughts told him no and he was overreacting. He apologized for doubting me and gave me big hug.

All of them are having an "adult" Halloween party. In other words, an orgy. I have a feeling that all of them will be getting it on in some form or another. Thank God Leslie is letting me stay the night. I've already seen mom's costume…a French maid. Dad will love that. It seems like all mom has to do is smile and he's raring to go. As I've stated, I'm glad that they're in love but I don't have to like their displays of affection!

Time to go. I hope the party goes well. If so, we may host one next year…with the adults in another room.

**A/N**: I thought the adult Halloween party was a nice touch. Typical Cullens!

Thanks for reading. Please, please review. Let's get to seventy!


	33. November 6

**A/N**: Here it is, the showdown between Nathan and Jacob. Well, the first one at least.

Dear Diary,

I am absolutely livid! Jacob came over and started a fight with Nathan. That was his sole purpose. He told him that he didn't want me to be with another "leech," and hit him. Bad move.

First off, I do _not_ belong to him. Nor do I belong to Nathan. Second of all, you don't hit a half-human, half-vampire and expect to get away with it. Not only did Jacob fracture his knuckle, he managed to piss Nathan off.

After he shook his jaw out, he stood up and his eyes darkened. A low growl from his chest shook the whole house. That growl told me that Jacob was in _serious_ trouble. I've only heard that noise a few times in my life and every time it's been right before dad or my other family members kill something…something that they hate. Jake, of course, just smirked like the arrogant bastard he is sometimes. He seemed to enjoy the fact that he pissed Nathan off, even though that was signing his death certificate.

I knew Nathan was pissed and had to get them outside _fast_. I hoped that in the time they moved from the sitting room to the woods they would calm down and talk like rational people. I was wrong. They aren't rational people; they are both "monsters." Before I could make them move, Nathan had tackled Jacob to the floor and was biting at him. The force of their bodies hitting the floor caused mom's Ming vase to fall and break into a zillion pieces. Well, that's what she gets for decorating the hall with breakables! Doesn't she realize that a _teenager_ lives here?

Luckily, Jake's reflexes are fast and Nathan didn't hit anything vital with his teeth. Mom and dad heard the commotion and dad pulled Nathan off of Jake, asking him what the hell he did now. Jake jumped up and said that he was sick of me spending time with "this half-leech," and hit him. Then Nathan attacked him. Dad sighed and told me to go to my room. His tone was deadly.

Then dad threw them out. He said that he was not going to have either of them fighting under his roof…or on his property. So they continued in the woods. I was afraid that either or both of them wouldn't want to spend time with me anymore. Why am I worrying about that when I should be worrying about Jacob?

Anyways, they moved to the woods and Jacob jumped on Nathan's back…in wolf form. There was so much snarling and growling that I couldn't tell who was whom. Dad forbade me from going to check on them. He said that they are so out of control that I could get hurt…or killed. I reminded him that I can take care of myself and dad said "you still smell like vampire. All Jacob sees right now is a 'leech.' Go anywhere near him and your scent will be all he knows." So I watched from the window.

I have _no_ idea why Jacob suddenly went berserk. He knows that we hang out…and kiss, but he also knows that I date. I guess he found out that Nathan is half-vampire like me. Jake has always wanted to kill vampires since he became a werewolf. He helped kill Victoria when they were after my then-human mom and I think that since then he's had a taste for "blood." Obviously, that's a pun.

But still; it makes sense. Although Jake imprinted on me, I know he still has trouble being around my family. Dad can read his mind; he's seen some of the thoughts Jacob's had. He told me once that Jake thought about kidnapping me and performing an exorcism to eliminate the vampire part of me. That way I would be nothing but human. Yeah, sometimes Jacob isn't too bright.

First off, that would never happen. He wouldn't be able to kidnap me and if he did, my vampire senses would kick in. Then I would have to kick his ass and I don't want to. Jake is good to me; he treats me like a lady. Dad wouldn't have it any other way.

Second off, it's not _my_ fault who my relatives are. I was _born_ into this family; I didn't choose them. Don't get me wrong, I love everyone and wouldn't change a thing (except my freakishness), but duh! As I said, Jake isn't too bright.

Then there's Nathan. Since he's a freak like me, he can relate to me perfectly. But sometimes I feel that he doesn't understand me. Yes, we both have cravings for blood at times and our hearts beat, but he can't possibly know what it's like to be a teenage girl. Nathan has actually been around a few more years than me. I am seventeen now, although my body reached this age a few years ago. He is probably more like twenty-one. He's been around but he _can't_ know what it feels like to be me.

Anyways, since dad wouldn't let me check on them all I heard were growls and howls. I figured Jake would call the other wolves and Nathan would be dead, but he didn't do that. It was one-on-one. Dad said that Jake is jealous of Nathan and wants to eliminate the competition.

_What_ competition? I haven't made a decision! I want them _both_ right now. And damn it, I have every right to that thought. Mom had both dad and Jake so why can't I? Why can't I get the same chance to make a decision as her? Why must I choose immediately? I will be on this Earth forever; I should have some choices!

Nathan just called; I don't want to talk to him. He didn't start the fight but I still don't want to deal with either of them right now. I am so angry at what went down. I asked Uncle Jasper if these feelings were natural. He said yes. He told me that I have every right to be upset and I should make both of them sweat. I told him I don't want to hurt either of them, but it looks like that's what I'm doing. He told me I should make a choice.

And we're back to that! Seriously, no one understands me; not even my own family! Uncle Jasper is telling me to make a decision, much like mom and dad and Aunt Alice thinks I'm a dress-up doll! I am _not_ kidding. She came over with my uncle and while he was talking to me, she was showing me dresses that she had bought. Why can't I go one conversation without her bringing up clothes? Or fashion in general? Yes, I love my aunt but sheesh!

Text from Jacob. "I'm sorry about what went down, Nessie. Call me." When Hell freezes over!

Actually, I should check on him. Nathan walked away okay but apparently Jake has a broken hand. And he was thrown against a tree. There may be spinal damage. I doubt it, though. With his wolfness, he can heal faster than a normal human. I'm not worried about that. But he'll still need to have his hand in a cast. That won't heal overnight and how can he work on his bike with a broken hand?

Yeah, I'll call him. If nothing else, maybe I can make him dinner as an apology. And right now, Nathan is in the doghouse!

Here is the score for this round: Jacob—1. Nathan—0.

**A/N**: Well, well, well. Looks like Jacob is in Nessie's favor right now.

Thanks for reading. Please, please review. Let's get to seventy!


	34. November 8

**A/N**: Nessie's had time to stew over what happened. She's not happy!

Dear Diary,

Jacob has tried calling me for the past two days. I swear, that boy doesn't know when to quit. I let him off of the fight with Nathan two days ago, but since then I've been thinking it over. Jacob got off too easily. What the hell was he thinking? You don't just barge in to my home, when my parents are here, and start a fight with my "boyfriend" (I use that in quotes since we've never actually declared). And Jake knows Nathan is like me; did he really think Nathan would go down without a fight? No. Nathan can be quite volatile when threatened and I'm surprised he didn't rip Jacob to shreds. Not that I would object right now.

Uncle Jasper tried talking to Jake yesterday. He actually went to the reservation. Now that Jake is practically family, we are allowed on their property with limits. He told Jake that he needs to be patient; I am young and have my whole existence in front of me. I should be out enjoying my life, not tied down to one person. I find this humorous because this is _exactly_ what mom did when she met dad. She lived her life around him and was dependant. I don't want to be that way and they know it. They embrace that thought. Mom's dependency on dad is what made it so hard for her when he left. If she had the attitude that I have, it wouldn't have been that bad. In fact, she probably would've moved on after a week. And then I wouldn't be here. Okay, re-thinking that….

Anyways, Jacob said that I need to make a choice, yada, yada, yada. Jasper said that forcing me is just what he did to mom, and if you remember, mom chose dad. Jacob didn't like that. He actually lunged at Uncle Jasper for that. Idiot! Jasper moved out of the way and threw some calm over Jacob. He told him to grow up and that he was trying to help. "You're family," he told him. "But keep being an ass and you won't be."

That made him take notice! I think he finally realized how stupid he's being. I didn't even know that he knew Nathan was a half-ling. Jasper said that Jake found out one night when we were on a date. Apparently, Sam saw us and the scent he picked up was the confirmation. They're used to my scent, but this was extra strong. He put two-and-two together and told Jake about it. Jake did what he does best; stew in his anger before lashing out. And that meant coming to my house to pick a fight. Rationality doesn't exist with him.

Dad has also had words with him. He told him that if he barges in again, he will be banned from the premises. Dad was quite furious that he did that and even suggested that Jake pay for the vase that was broken. Jake immediately tried to blame Nathan for it, but dad wasn't having any of that. Uh, newsflash Jake…dad can read minds! He _knows_ when you're lying. He knew that you hit the vase, and even if you didn't, he'd still blame you. You're the whole reason for this entire headache! Nathan has offered to pay for it and dad refused; he's out for Jacob's blood, so to speak.

Ugh! I don't want to talk about him anymore. There's got to be other news….

Sally has a date tonight with one of the basketball players, Corey. He seems nice enough, but something about him screams trouble. I can't put my finger on it. He stares at her intensely, like she's a meal. Okay, that was _not_ how it sounded. I know he's not a vampire; he smells like a human. But the looks he gives her creeps me out. She doesn't mind, of course. She thinks he's the bee's knees and can do no wrong. I hope she's right. I really don't want to be cleaning up a body, but I will if he hurts her. And I know I won't be alone.

Mom got a promotion at work. She is now in charge of the department at the hospital. Grandpa Carlisle was so happy for her. He told her that he knew she was destined for great things. She replied "well, yeah. I married your son." He loved that. The two of them are going out on a celebratory hunt tonight.

Aunt Rosalie and I are going shopping later today. Surprised it's not Aunt Alice, huh? Yeah, me too. But she's "preoccupied" with Uncle Jasper today. I don't even want to know what they're referring to, even though I have a pretty good idea.

Anyways, Aunt Rosalie wants to go to Seattle. We are leaving in about an hour. That suits me fine because there's a store selling Taylor Lautner stuff that I want to visit. He is _so_ hot! And he has a new movie coming out; hence the merchandise. I want a nightshirt. That way, I can honestly say I'm going to bed with Taylor. She wants to visit Macy's and buy some lingerie. Again, I don't want to know what she and Uncle Emmett are doing. _Why_ do I have to live with vampires who live and breathe sex at times? _Why_ are they so horny? _Why_ am I not?

Probably because of my humanness. But that doesn't make sense; most human teenagers are horny as hell. Is this a benefit of my freakishness? That I can go through a day without thinking about it? Nathan and I haven't taken any steps to go further in our relationship, but that's okay for now. I am happy that we get to just make out. And that is very human, isn't it?

Uncle Emmett challenged me to another chess game. I told him we'll do it over Thanksgiving break. If it goes on for days like the last one did, I will need plenty of time to concentrate on it. However, Uncle Jasper has secretly been giving me pointers. He wants me to "wipe the floor" with Emmett. It's great entertainment to watch him whine and act like a child. And of course, seeing Aunt Rosalie slap him upside the head makes it all worth it. She is so awesome at times.

Okay, signing off. I need to look like a runway model if I'm hanging with Rosalie today. She really makes us humans feel intimidated!

**A/N:** Anyone feeling sorry for Jacob?

Thanks for reading. Please, please review. You know I love them!


	35. November 20

**A/N:** I'm sorry for the delay; real life has been tough. I hope you enjoy this chapter; it is a sign of things to come!

Dear Diary,

Corey and Sally went out again last night. This was date number three. I still don't trust him. He says things to her that a boyfriend should not say to a girl he likes. He insults her and makes fun of us. I growled at him once to warn him, but to no avail. He thought that was grounds for making fun of me, totally missing the fact that my eyes had turned black by that time. I hope he has his fun now, because I guarantee he won't later.

Nathan doesn't like him either. Both of us can pick up on so much since we are half-lings. We can smell that his intentions are not honorable. Nathan overheard Corey talking to some of his friends about how easy of a "lay" Sally will be. Okay, first of all, don't talk when a half-vampire is around. Second, Sally is not easy. Third, she is very proud of her virginity and is not willing to give it up anytime soon. Fourth, don't talk when her best friend can crush you without any effort. So, sorry Charlie!

He worries me. I am afraid that Sally is too blind to see that he's bad news. She just thinks he's great. Apparently he can also charm the socks off of her and that's how he got her to go out with him. He told her she was the most beautiful cheerleader on the squad (no argument there!) and very limber. He said he'd like to get to know her better. So he asked her out one day after the game. We played Seattle High School; they won. Figures.

I want to tell her what I think, but I know she'll get mad. She'll say I'm jealous, blah, blah, blah. Truth is I'm _far_ from it. I want to see her happy and I don't want to see her get hurt. And I'm afraid she will. No, scratch that, I _know_ she will…if she stays with him.

Mom said not to say anything. "Sometimes humans have to figure things out for themselves." She mentioned Nathan and how neither she nor dad said anything about him being a half-ling. They wanted me to figure it out on my own to see if I still wanted to date him, or if that would make me choose Jacob. "Part of being an adult," she told me, "is discovering and figuring things out for yourself. Your father and I will be around a long time, but we may not always be around _you_. You need to know how to think for yourself."

So that is what I'm doing for Sally. She knows that I am noticing things, vampire that I am, but she doesn't want to know about it. Okay, so after he hurts her then she'll wake up. I won't say "I told you so." I won't say anything; that's not nice. I'll be the shoulder for her to cry on and bring the ice cream to her house for a big gorge fest. Although she won't eat any, Aunt Alice may want to join as well. She loves "girl time." Yeah, I don't think so.

But that doesn't mean I won't come after Corey. And I know I'm not alone. Nathan and Jacob _both_ have agreed to rip him to shreds. No, they agreed separately. Ever since their fight, they have avoided each other. Fine by me; I'm uncomfortable when they are both around. I feel like I'm cheating on the other. Even though I've made no promises to either, they both act like I'm theirs. They comment on it all the time and even try to "buy" me with gifts. Guys are dumb sometimes.

Anyways, Uncle Emmett has also agreed to mess Corey up when (not if) he hurts Sally. I don't think it'll be anything too major, though. Sally is pretty strong-willed and respects herself enough to not stay in an abusive relationship. He raises a hand to her, he will lose that hand. I guarantee it. And I won't be the one to do it.

I told the men that I want first dibs on Corey and then they can take over. Since she's my best friend, I want the opportunity to avenge her first. Leslie has also agreed to help, sans vampire-style, in whatever way she can. "Just tell me where you want the body buried," she said with a smile. But I knew she meant it. She and Nathan have been friends for years; she doesn't suspect what he is but she knows he has a temper and a "violent streak" (nah, you think?). She's helped him a few times with certain things. I asked for details but she refused, saying "not my story to tell." I have to make sure to ask Nathan about that.

So yeah, there are plenty of people waiting to bury Corey if it comes to that. I really, really, really hope I'm wrong. But these instincts are sharper than my human ones and they usually don't lie. I admit I've been wrong before, but never about things like this. I can always sense when someone is trying to harm my family and friends. Of course, with my family it's different; we can all take care of ourselves. And dad reads the mind of the would-be bad person and heads him or her off at the pass. Then they look at dad and wonder how he knew what they were going to do. We say it's up because of his extra-sensory ability. Then that person thinks we're freaks and everything's back to normal.

Not this time, though. I can feel it in my human bones and my vampire senses; something's not right. We may bury a body, but that doesn't mean will expose ourselves. We are quite crafty when we want to be. Besides, not many pay the Cullens much attention anymore anyways. They've been around long enough to not be interesting. Until one of us does something outlandish, like mom marrying dad or Uncle Emmett going skydiving and his parachute not opening. Not that he needed it, but you know, pretenses. Yeah, don't ask how he got out of that. I still have a hard time believing it.

The major one was Uncle Jasper. He broke his reserve one day and attacked a human. Granted, this wasn't anyone good or nice, but it still happened. I was still little at the time and thought we'd have to move. But everyone assumed she was eaten by a bear or something and that was that. No one even questioned us about it. In fact, the attitude of the people seemed to be "karma's a bitch." Uncle Jasper never forgave himself for it, but at least we didn't have to leave.

I told him "I'll always love you, Unkie Jazz." He pulled me into a great big bear hug and sobbed silently. Unlike me, tears will never fall from him, but he can still be sad and sob. And he did. We held each other for what felt like eternity until he was better. He said he got through that because of me. "You have the special power of love, darling," he told me. "Your love got me through it and I will be forever grateful." I didn't think I did anything different than with any of my other family members, but to him it meant a lot. My bond with Jasper has grown since then.

So yeah, Corey is on my shit list right now. I'm certain that he will mess up; I only hope it won't scar my best friend for life. I'd hate to lose her because of something _he_ did, something that she will inadvertently blame me for. My vampire senses tell me things will never be the same.

**A/N**: What do you think will happen?

Thanks for reading! Please review.


	36. November 30

**A/N**: Sorry for the delay. I've honestly been meaning to get this up sooner. I hope to not take as long with the next chapter.

Dear Diary,

I found out about Nathan tonight. Well, about his past. I already know he's a half-ling like me, but until now he refused to tell me about himself. I was able to get some information from Leslie, but even she didn't know everything. I know now.

And I still want to be with him. Seriously, it's not as bad as he thinks it is. He's killed a few humans, but nowhere _near_ the number my father has. Nathan's killed five. Three were bad people and they deserved what they got and the other two were because he was hungry.

He told me that he's been trying to only eat human food to avoid temptation. He says it's hard, especially when someone's blood smells so good. But he fights the desire and immediately runs for a Big Mac or Whopper, whichever is closer. I told him that Uncle Jasper has trouble still. He found that interesting and the two of them sat down for a long conversation. Jasper refused to tell me everything but he basically told Nathan that the longer he's away from human blood the more tolerable it becomes. Of course, there's always the chance that it'll be too much and then everyone will have to move again.

He told Nathan about mom's eighteenth birthday party. He said that she got a paper cut and the smell of her blood was so intoxicating that it overwhelmed him. He had to have it and that's why he lunged for her. At that moment, it wasn't _Jasper_ in the room, it was the monster. The monster he's always fighting. Afterwards he felt _so_ guilty. He apologized profusely to dad and ran off to hunt. But the damage was done. Although mom wasn't upset about it, he was devastated. It was his idea to leave Forks, actually. Dad didn't tell mom that when he lied to her, but she found out eventually. Uncle Jasper wanted to leave to avoid the temptation and the guilt. He didn't expect everyone to follow, but they did, including dad. Dad lied to mom and set off a chain of events that almost cost him his existence.

But if he hadn't left, mom never would have become closer to Jacob, and Jacob wouldn't be in my life. I'm not stupid, I _know_ he was in love with mom before, but he never imprinted on her. I'm the only one. So see, it all worked out for the best. I told that to dad one day after he complained that Jacob was always around and he stopped to think about that. Then he said "looks like my leaving affected _both_ of my girls." I just shook my head at him and walked away.

Anyways, back to Nathan. The first person he killed was his neighbor. He was five years old and ignorant of his power. He only knew that he had sharp teeth and a taste for blood. "I blame my mother for not educating me. She seemed to think my half-human, half-vampire self was a curse. She constantly tried to guide me towards my human life and completely deny my vampire life. She didn't understand that my _vampire_ life will eventually take over regardless."

He regrets that day more than the other ones. He was playing outside and his neighbor started up his lawn mower. After a few minutes, his scent combined with his sweat became too much and Nathan struck. The man was young and fast, but was no match for him. He told the man that he wanted to show him something in his house. The man agreed and as soon as the door closed Nathan struck. It was over in minutes and Nathan's eyes glowed red for the first time. Afterwards, he felt so guilty that he ignored his bloodlust until he was eleven.

The second one was a criminal. And he was twelve. He broke into a house intending to kill the person and then help himself to the valuables. Nathan heard everything and attacked the robber before he had a chance to kill the woman inside. She was an invalid and a nice lady; Nathan didn't want her to be hurt. So he followed the guy into the basement and broke his neck. He didn't feel so guilty because "the man was scum." I pointed out that he _saved_ a life by killing one. In a twisted way, that made sense to him.

Other ages that he killed were fourteen and then seventeen. And each time his guilt has increased. He told me that finding me was a blessing. With my family's lifestyle, he can strive to be a better man. I told him that his past doesn't bother me. What's done is done. I want him regardless of how many people he's killed. I reminded him that mom didn't care about dad's past because it wasn't who he was when she met him. And that's the same with Nathan. Just because he's slipped up and made mistakes _proves_ he's human, even if it's only half. Nathan is another one who doesn't believe he has a soul and I am going to prove to him that he does.

Yes, I believe that I have a soul. I believe that all the vampires in my family have souls. It doesn't matter that they are the undead, what matters is what they do with their immortality. In the past, they craved human blood and murdered people. They needed to do that for survival. But they don't do that anymore. They hated it, thereby _proving_ that they have souls. I've heard time and time again about the nomads Laurent, James and Victoria. I know all about their terrorizing mom and Victoria's revenge for dad killing James. I also know that they do not have souls. They killed people with no hesitation. They enjoyed it. My family didn't. That's the difference and that proves their souls are still here. Uncle Jasper and Aunt Alice are the only ones besides mom who are coming around to that thinking. The rest will in time. I have all of eternity to prove to them that I'm right.

Nathan believes I have a soul as well and all of my family does. I have only killed animals, never a human. And I hope to never kill one, unless justified (don't get me started on Corey). I still have the rage that vampires have and the strength and speed, but it's what I choose to do with those powers that count. Nathan told me I inspire him and he hopes to be worthy of me someday. He said that as long as I remain by his side, he can fight his bloodlust and concentrate on his human side.

I _know_ everything will be fine. Nathan just has to trust himself as I trust him. He doesn't want to be a monster anymore than I do, anymore than my dad wants to. I think knowing his past has brought us closer together. Again, I'm not making any decisions, but I feel like I'm falling for Nathan more than before. Knowing his weakness shows his humanness to me and I want to help him, to protect him. The two of us share a secret and that creates a bond. A bond I hope will never be broken.

**A/N**: So, anyone think Nathan will be vital in kicking Corey's ass should it come to that?

Thanks for reading! Please, please review.


	37. December 5

**A/N**: I am sorry for the delay in updating. I had a stalker situation and a work retreat that occupied the last two weeks. But both are behind me now. I hope I can update more frequently.

Dear Diary,

It's Christmastime again! This is my favorite holiday. Halloween comes in second, but _nothing_ compares to the joy of the season. The lights, the trees, the presents, food, dancing, it's all so magical! And this year, I have someone to kiss under the mistletoe.

Actually, two people. I promised Jake that I would give him a kiss. He will be spending Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day with the family, much to dad's dismay. Dad wanted it to be just mom, me and himself. Everyone else was going to spend it with their significant others as well and then do the family thing on the 26th. But now Jacob will be over.

Mom invited him without consulting dad. She said "Jacob's my friend and Nessie's 'betrothed,' we need to have him here." Dad retorted that I haven't made a decision (it's true!) and that he wanted the time for the three of us. The reason why he was so insistent is because we haven't had much "family time" lately. I've been spending most of my free time with Nathan or my friends and they've been busy as well. In fact, dad and I haven't gone hunting together in about a month. I miss it. I mentioned it to him and he promised we would go next week.

So needless to say, this family time was really important to him. I told him that it will be okay; we can make sure to only have the three of us for New Year's. And it wasn't like Jacob would be here all day. He'll come over in the afternoon after celebrating with his father and the others on the reservation.

Dad was still being pissy about it and I told him that I don't want him ruining the holiday for me. "It's my favorite one, dad." When he realized it was upsetting me, his daughter, he relented. He's not happy, but will make the most of it for me. I'm _so_ spoiled.

Anyways, I just returned from a shopping marathon with Aunt Alice. Yes, I know. Aunt Alice and shopping is the epitome of marathon. But she made it fun. We spent some time people-watching and pointing out the cute boys. "I'd _so_ do that one," she said, pointing at a tall, blond-haired surfer guy. I stared at her. "Oh come on. You _know_ I love Jazz and would never hurt him, but it's okay to look. Besides…" she leaned closer to me, "you notice that guy's similarities to your uncle?"

She was right. He could have matched Uncle Jasper in a contest. I understood Alice's thoughts. It makes sense. When you've been together as long as they have, they have to have fantasies. Besides, I think she was doing it for my benefit. I couldn't believe she was so open about it, though. But I was glad; my parents shelter me. Well, somewhat. When they're not destroying furniture while enjoying each other, they try to not talk to me about it, preferring the "our daughter's innocent" theory. So I usually get my information from my family or friends. Uncle Emmett said that they have their heads up their asses and they'll come around. "They have centuries to realize that," he told me.

So yes, I know all about the birds and the bees. I probably know more than most humans my age and I'm not sexually active! That's what happens when you live with vampires. Aunt Alice and Aunt Rosalie were very open in talking to me about their sex lives and explaining things (honestly, I could have gone all of my existence not knowing what "69" is). Uncle Jasper was more reserved, saying that there are things I'll learn about when the time comes. He pointed out that would be when I'm in my forties. I whined that my body will never grow that old. He chuckled and said my _body_ won't, but my _mind_ will. Leave it to him to get philosophical on me.

Okay, on to other topics. Corey is safe…for now. He nearly lost his life last night, though. He, Sally, Nathan, Leslie, Adora, Carmen and I were all hanging out at Leslie's house watching movies and playing games when he started becoming aggressive. Apparently, Corey is very competitive (makes sense. He _is_ on the basketball team) and hates losing. We were playing a movie game and Sally was on his team. He got mad at her because she kept guessing incorrectly. So she isn't a movie buff. Big deal. Apparently, it was to him. At one point he was yelling and calling her names and before I knew it, he struck her. In front of all of us! That was all I needed. I was in his face, telling him to hit me. "Hey big man," I said to him, "you're _so_ tough huh? You like hitting girls? Huh? Why don't you hit _me_? Go ahead! I _dare_ you!" And the idiot did. It did absolutely nothing to me, having my tough vampire skin and it broke his hand. He screamed in pain and cradled his hand to his chest. I smirked, seeing the discomfort he was in. Unfortunately, everyone else saw it too. Sally and Nathan know what I am, but the others don't. I didn't have time, though, to worry about repercussions.

Before I could do anything, Nathan had literally thrown him against the wall. He told him that if he ever laid a finger on Sally or me again, he would end him. Nathan's eyes were dark black when he said that. Corey's eyes showed fear, even though he wouldn't admit it. Leslie made him leave after actually kicking him in the ass a few times and we tended to Sally. She had a black eye and couldn't stop crying for awhile, but eventually we got her to calm down.

Leslie pulled me aside later and asked what I did. I told her that I take supplements that harden my skin. She didn't believe me. She figured it out. She knows we're half-human, half-vampire. But she told me our secret is safe. She also said that Carmen and Adora had suspicions as well. I panicked a bit, but she calmed me quickly. "We are your friends," she said. "We would never tell." I believe her. She's never done anything to betray my trust. Besides, even if she did, she'd be dead. So it's best to stay quiet.

Even though I risked exposure, it was worth it. Corey was bad news from the get-go and now his actions are evident. I believe he would have continued to hurt Sally if we weren't there. The thing that gets me is that he didn't care _at all_ that there were witnesses. Did he really think that we would let him get away with it? Did he really think that we wouldn't retaliate? Come on! We're her friends; two of us are half-vampires. Of course we're going to retaliate!

Grandpa Carlisle says everything will be okay. He doesn't think my friends will say anything. He said that due to everything that happened, their stories probably wouldn't hold any weight. Most people would think that he missed me and hit the wall. "People may think they dreamed it," he said. And Aunt Alice hasn't seen an abrupt change in our future. We will be staying in Forks, much to my happiness. Funny thing, though, that she didn't see much of Corey either. Maybe the guy finally got the message.

Interesting couple of days, huh? I wonder what the rest of the year will hold? Hopefully romantic kisses under the mistletoe (both Jacob and Nathan), lots of presents and uber-family time. Great memories made with friends and ringing in the New Year in style. Sounds fun, huh?

If only I believed that.

**A/N**: A bit of foreshadowing, huh?

The next few chapters will have Nessie's developing relationship with Nathan. And for good measure, Jacob will be thrown in as well.

Thanks for reading! Please review, it will make my day!


	38. December 10

**A/N**: A few new things revealed in this chapter, one having to do with Bella. Can we say foreshadowing?

Dear Diary,

Nathan and I have just returned from shopping. I bought presents for Aunt Rosalie, Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper. I still haven't gotten anything for Uncle Emmett or my parents or grandparents, but I still have fifteen days. I've been busy with other things so unfortunately Christmas shopping has been pushed to the back burner.

Mom got a promotion at work. Grandpa Carlisle had nothing to do with it. In fact, he didn't even know. One of the sexy new doctors said he wanted her in his ward and since there was _no_ reason she shouldn't go, she did. She is his direct assistant and is super excited, as am I for her.

Dad not so much. He thinks that the doctor just wants to sleep with mom and that's why he promoted her. According to dad, Dr. Thomas thought that mom's unique look was absolutely beautiful and he couldn't wait to "tap it." He said that since he promoted her, she couldn't say no or there would be retaliation. He knows she's married but he doesn't care. In fact, that's one thing that turns him on. The fact that she's unavailable. I wonder if he would care if he found out her husband is a vampire.

Grandpa can't confirm if dad is right or not. After all, _he_ can't read minds. But he did say that Dr. Thomas has a flawless reputation at the hospital and even saved newborn twins when they were born prematurely. Grandpa Carlisle has nothing but respect for Dr. Thomas, but loves his son and is keeping what dad said in the back of his mind. He will observe Dr. Thomas's actions.

Mom scoffs at the idea. Even though she's beautiful, she still doesn't see herself clearly. They thought that had changed when she was changed, but old habits die hard. Now that she's "an old, married mother," she feels undesirable. Aunt Rosalie pointed out that she may _feel_ old but she doesn't look it. "We all _feel_ old some days Bella," she told her. "But I can guarantee that you look nineteen and your husband thinks the world of you. Surely, destroying four bed frames should be a sign that you _are_ desirable." See, this is one of those times when I don't mind that mom and dad have sex.

So, we'll see how Dr. Thomas turns out. If he tries anything, he'll get a rude awakening. It might be fun to watch.

Brb, laundry….

I am _such_ an idiot! I didn't see the blue bra that I threw into the machine with my white load. Now everything has a blue tint! Aaaahhhhh! See, this is why Christmas shopping has been delayed. It's crap like this that keeps happening to me!

Thank God my cheerleading outfit wasn't in there. Course, it's not blue, but still. I don't even want to think what Kaitlyn would say if she saw it ruined…or the coach. I could hear the teasing now and it would never stop. Well, at least not while I'm at Forks High School. Luckily, my outfit is already clean and hanging in my locker at school.

Speaking of cheerleading, I hurt someone. It wasn't on purpose, but it happened. One of the girls was on my shoulder and I gripped her ankle to help her get down and she started screaming. Again, I didn't know my own strength. Leslie of course was immediately on the defense, saying that I've been lifting weights everyday and working out incessantly to be a better cheerleader. The coach bought that and I offered to pay for any doctor's bills. Small price to pay for silence.

I am quite grateful to Leslie. Ever since she discovered my secret, she has been ensuring that it's kept. She really doesn't have to go to that extreme, I believe her. If I didn't she wouldn't be my friend. Hell, if I didn't believe her, she'd probably be dead.

But I appreciate the effort. Anytime there's a suspicion, she's there to quell it. Sally did that a lot when she found out but it quickly died down. Leslie will too. But I am glad to know that she really is my friend. I was worried that when she found out what I was, she wouldn't want to be anymore. That she would think I'm a freak, like so many others. Like Sally, however, she has proven me wrong. And I'm thankful for that.

What else? I'm spending the entire weekend with Jacob at the reservation. This was _not_ my idea but I'm actually looking forward to it. I haven't seen Jacob in awhile and I want to spend time with him. I may allow a bit of making out, but it won't go too far. Like I said, his kisses are amazing, but so are Nathan's.

Nathan was less-than-enthusiastic when he heard that. But he knew he couldn't stop me. He knows me well enough that I am my mother's daughter; I inherited stubbornness from her. When mom wanted to see Jacob, she went and saw him. Dad wasn't happy about it, but they weren't married at the time. He perceived Jake as a threat. And back then, he was. Now if she goes to see him, it's purely a friendship thing. Most of the time, he talks about me. Dad told me to give Nathan a break; he probably feels the same way. "If the woman I loved was visiting a rival, I couldn't stop worrying. It wasn't just the fact that he was a werewolf, it was that I could read his thoughts. He did whatever he could to try to sabotage our relationship. Jacob knows about Nathan; he probably feels a sense of déjà vu. Nathan is worried. _Please_ give him a break."

I started to get upset, telling dad that I haven't made the decision to be with him. He said he understood and wasn't telling me whom to be with. Then he told me something that floored me: he _liked_ Nathan. I never thought that would happen. Both he and mom didn't seem happy when I started seeing him, but apparently that apprehension has passed. I asked him why and he said he read Nathan's mind. Nathan told him something important and that satisfied him. When I asked what that was, he shook his head. "Not for me to tell," he said and pulled me into a hug. "But trust me, you'll like it."

So now I'm wondering what that's about. I asked Aunt Alice what she saw for me but she refused to say anything. "I promised your dad." Dammit! Everyone knows me too well. I think one of my New Year's resolutions will be to catch people off-guard. To do things that are unpredictable and to have fun with it. If I decide that I want to sleep with Jacob, I will and have _no_ regrets. If I decide to sleep with Nathan, I will. If he wants me, that is.

He hasn't made any efforts to take our relationship further and I'm starting to worry. Perhaps he's changing his mind. Perhaps Alice told dad what she saw and he got to Nathan first. Perhaps I need to just chill.

That sounds good actually. I think I'll take a nice, warm bath and just let all of the stress of late melt away. After all, how much can one teenage half-vampire endure?

**A/N**: Any idea what Nathan told Edward?

Thanks for reading! I hope to get the next chapter up in a few days. And don't worry, there's some Nessie-Nathan lovin' coming!


	39. December 25

**A/N**: I hope you enjoy this chapter; it's steamy!

Dear Diary,

I know it's Christmas, but I couldn't wait to tell you about last night. I was snowed in at Nathan's! We had exchanged our gifts and had a little party when a storm hit, causing me to stay off the road. It was bad! Forks doesn't get a ton of snow, but this was caused by disturbances in the Pacific. I don't know details (I didn't pay _that_ close attention), but all of Washington was under a snow advisory. Seattle got hit with twelve inches! Three people are dead because of it and they think that number will climb. This is being labeled as the storm of the year.

Anyways, it was lightly snowing when I arrived. I thought it was so perfect; exchanging gifts in front of the tree while watching the snow falling and drinking hot cocoa. We had settled down to watch a movie and when it was over there was a blizzard outside. Dad called me, hoping I was still there, and told me to not move. I told him I could survive a little snow but he said police are advising people to stay home. They are out in force and ticketing people for not listening. I asked "well, what if they have to go to the hospital? Or run out of food?" He didn't have an answer to that but was _very_ firm in stating that we don't want to draw attention to ourselves, especially after my cheerleading incident. I sighed, knowing he was right and agreed to stay where I was.

Nathan agreed with dad. "He's looking out for you. He knows you can take care of yourself, but he's still your dad. It's in his job description to worry." He promised that he would take care of me. I noticed that his mother wasn't around and asked about that. He said that she was visiting his grandparents in Portland and was supposed to fly back today. Due to the weather, she won't make it. We had the place all to ourselves.

When I realized that, I attacked Nathan. I started kissing him feverishly. I yanked on his shirt and he stopped. He pulled me off of him for a moment and looked into my eyes. "Are-are you sure about this?" he asked nervously. It was strange seeing him nervous; he's usually so calm and mellow. I smiled, giving him my answer and he kissed me back in kind. He walked us back to the couch and we fell on it, kissing and touching, needing to be closer to each other.

Things started heating up and I'm not talking about the fire he had going. It was the two of us, all alone in his huge house with a raging snowstorm outside. We were two horny teenage half-vampires with desires to be filled.

We have made out before, but it was never like that! That was different; new. It was raw animal passion. It was something else. It was…_right._

After we were both half-dressed, he picked me up and carried me to his bedroom. I froze; so did he. We were halfway up the stairs and he asked me if this was okay; if it was what I wanted. I looked into his eyes; wishing I had dad's ability to read his mind. _He might hurt me emotionally. If I give myself to him, he might walk away and do to me what dad did to mom when she was human. I may regret it; I may be rendered the Forks High School slut for going through with it. Mom and dad will know. What will they do? I was the only one in the family who was pure; should that change?_ All these thoughts flooded through me in half a second.

Nathan's look told me what I needed to know. Although black, his eyes said he wasn't going anywhere. He wanted it as much as I did and wouldn't walk away. I could trust him. I nodded and asked him to continue.

He laid me gently on the bed and walked to his stereo, turning it on. After placing a CD in, gentle, romantic music filled the room and I smiled. He turned to me. "This song reminds me of you," he said. I looked him up and down and slowly licked my lips. I had seen Nathan without a shirt before, but this was different. He was wearing almost nothing and I was aware of the change in atmosphere. The room was thick with tension and passion. And desire was oozing from him. I only had to look down to know that.

"See something you like?" he asked teasingly. My eyes darted to his and I blushed, causing him to laugh. "You blush the same as your mother when she was human," he responded, climbing onto the bed and crawling up to me. He lowered his lips to mine and kissed me tenderly.

"Nathan?" I asked, breaking the kiss. He pulled away and moved to my collarbone. "Are _you_ okay with this?" His darkened eyes met mine. "Nessie, I am _more_ than okay." His hand came up and gently pulled my bra strap down. He kissed the skin underneath it, making me shiver. "I want this; I want _you_, so much. I've been hesitant because I don't want to lose you. Sex changes everything and I want you to be absolutely sure. There's no going back once it's done."

He pulled back and looked at me again. "I've been with two humans before and I know what it's like for them. But I don't know what it's like for a half-ling like me. I mean, I know what it's like for me, but not _you_." He stroked my cheek gently. I bucked my hips and brushed against him, hearing him hiss. His black eyes darkened more. "Please know that this will be different from those others. I was younger then and foolish. I didn't think I would meet anyone, let alone fall in love. I know that it's so much better when you have that connection."

I missed it completely. I heard what he said, but it didn't register. I brought my hand up and gently ran my nails up and down his arm. He shuddered at the touch. "Nessie…I have something to tell you."

As soon as he said that, I froze. _What is he going to say? Is he going to turn me down, when we're so close? My hormones are raging and the last thing I want is to be rejected._ "What?" was all I could whisper.

He smiled at me and grabbed my hand that had stilled on his arm. He brought it to his lips and kissed it. "I love you, Nessie. I've wanted to tell you many times, but it never seemed right. I knew I had to, though. Your dad informed me that Jacob was going to make another play for you."

I sat up slightly and he moved with me. "What?"

Nathan placed his hands on my shoulders. "Your dad read my mind and found out how I feel. I tried to block it from him, but it was nearly impossible. And your Uncle Jasper picked up on my emotions as well. He told me that mongrel will be over for Christmas and is planning on confessing his undying love for you. I had to get there first."

I shook my head. "So this is a competition?" I asked him angrily. His eyes grew wide. "No! I swear to you, Nessie, that I'm in love with you. And I will spend the rest of your existence proving that to you. That's why I'm giving this to you," he said, gesturing to what we were in the process of doing. "I will show you how I feel, in ways that words can't express."

Again, I wished I could read minds. I didn't know what to think. But I could see Nathan's eyes were honest. He meant every word. He removed his hand from my shoulder and took mine, placing it over his heart. "As long as this beats, I will love you."

"Then you don't have to wait long," I said. "Our hearts will stop beating in a few years." His grip tightened on my hand. "Physically it won't beat, but it will continue emotionally and psychologically for eternity." He leaned closer to me. "Renesmee Cullen, I am in love with you. I will love you until I no longer exist. Will you do me the honor of showing you how serious I am?"

How can I argue with that? I nodded and he pressed his lips to mine, kissing me feverishly. I wanted to tell him how I felt, but I couldn't because I didn't know. I still had Jacob to deal with. We are still betrothed and I can't hurt him. Besides, Nathan's confession scares me a little. I figured we'd spend time together and then apart. I figured he'd go off and pursue people to kill, letting the vampiric side of him take over for awhile. Then, long after my human family was dead and buried, he'd come around and we would spend the rest of our existence together, having fun but not really caring.

I was wrong, apparently.

So now I have to figure out what to do. I'm happy that Nathan loves me, really I am. But how do I break it to Jacob? _Do_ I break it to Jacob? Do I let him stay in my life and let Nathan suffer a bit? You know, 'if he loves me, he'll wait.' Can I hurt him like that?

I don't know.

All I know is that I stayed at Nathan's last night, where he told me he loved me for the first time. And everything was beautiful and magical. He made me feel desired and I made him happy. He held me tightly and vowed to never let go, and I promised I would be his for eternity.

As long as mom and dad don't find out and kill me….

**A/N**: So, did they do it?

Thanks so much for reading and for your support! Please review and tell me what you think.


	40. January 1

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year! Can you believe it? The old year gone and a new one just begun. I wonder what's in store for _this_ one.

I'm sorry I didn't write sooner; I've been so busy this week. After I left you on Christmas Day, I celebrated the holiday with mom and dad. We talked, laughed and opened our gifts. Then we went to Grandpa Carlisle's and Grandma Esme's for the family gathering. Grandpa Charlie showed up! I had no idea he would, but mom said he was invited months ago! It was great to see him. I ran at an inhuman speed and crashed into him, knocking him down. He laughed and hugged me tightly, telling me that he loved his granddaughter. I was _so_ excited to see him. Don't get me wrong, I love Carlisle and Esme, but I see Charlie so rarely. Because he is human, everyone is worried about him being around the vampires, me especially. I think it's silly; my family has been around humans for a lot longer than I have and have had no problems. Hell, my dad married mom when she was still human. And only once did someone try to kill her. That didn't work and she remained human for another year.

Seriously, sometimes my family is _way_ too protective of me. I guess it's the human part that they see as fragile. Dad went overboard trying to protect mom. He said she was breakable and like "silk over glass." I hate having to remind them that I can run just as fast as them and am just as strong. And they could see that as I barreled into Grandpa Charlie that day.

I probably should have been worried about exposing us, but I didn't care. And they didn't either, apparently. Grandma Esme was so excited to actually cook human food, though she said it smelled disgusting. I ate it all and still had room leftover. She made Cornish hens as it was only two of us eating. Cornish hens, mashed potatoes, rolls and pecan pie for dessert. I told her that she didn't have to keep up appearances or cook for any of us. She said it was an act of love and was more than happy to do it. I knew that was the truth; Grandma Esme loves us all so much.

I think the best present was the video game I got Uncle Emmett. It actually deals with vampires and their rampage through a city. He started jumping up and down and fist pumping when he opened it. Then he suffocated me in a gigantic bear hug and made me sit on his lap for an hour. I didn't mind; I love my Uncle Emmett. He's such a teddy bear.

Speaking of which, he gave me a teddy bear. It was _so_ neat! It was made of mohair and wore a blue ribbon around its neck. Hanging from the front of the ribbon was a little charm with an E on it. He said that since I see him as a teddy bear, he may as well be one. I learned later that he had the bear specially made. Aunt Alice knew of a place (of course) that specializes in personal trinkets. You can have just about anything made and personalized. So he had that done. It was my favorite gift.

Aunt Alice then suggested we all play a game. That was met with groans from everyone, but she insisted. She had set up a scavenger hunt before everyone came over and we all had to find things (in snow, I might add) to win. She broke us up into teams: dad, Uncle Jasper, Rosalie and me on one with Emmett, mom, Grandpa Carlisle and Grandpa Charlie on the other. Grandma Esme escaped into the kitchen so she was safe. We figured we had the advantage since dad could read minds, but she had successfully blocked him. So we were no more at an advantage as the other team. Needless to say, they won. The prize was candy, which only two of us can eat, so they gave it to me. Yea!

And, true to his word, Jacob made it over in the afternoon. We hung out and drank some cocoa and talked about all sorts of things. He noticed that I was more distant to him and said I smelled different. I acted like I didn't know what he was talking about and held his hand for the rest of the evening. Knowing that I am betrothed to him is hard, especially when I don't know what I want, exactly. It was fun hanging with him, but I was missing Nathan.

He text me during the afternoon. All he said was "I love you." It made me melt! I wanted to read it in private in case it was something else, but Aunt Rosalie saw it. She said it was very romantic that he sent that and that I needed to reply. So I did. I wrote "I love you, too." I wasn't sure if I meant it, but I had to send something. She told me it was the right thing. Then she also commented that I smelled differently. She tilted her head to the side as though she was figuring something out. Then she shrugged and gave me a hug.

I know I probably do smell differently. I'm surprised my parents haven't noticed it yet. it's been a week and not a peep from them. I've been blocking my thoughts from dad so he doesn't catch on to what happened at Nathan's. I honestly don't know what he would do if he found out. I would probably be grounded and he'd probably try to kill Nathan. But since he's like me, he'd be able to hold his own in a fight. But you never know, he might not mind. Who am I kidding? Of course he'd mind. This is my dad!

Uncle Jasper figured it out, though. He could sense something was different about me and cornered me. He asked if I was happy and when I said yes then he said he was too. He reminded me that it should not be dealt with lightly and I need to be careful. I told him I know and I've already taken precautions. He smiled and gave me a hug. "My little niece is growing up," he said softly. I laughed and told him that physically I'm his age, not "little" anymore. He rolled his eyes and said that I will always be his "little niece." And that if I need to dispose of Nathan's body, he's more than willing to help. See, this is one of the reasons why I love Uncle Jasper. He lets me make mistakes and decisions on my own and will support whatever I decide. But he's always willing to help me out when needed.

I made him promise to block his thoughts from dad so he didn't find out. I know he will eventually, but I don't want to deal with him right now.

Anyways, the holiday went off without a hitch. Then I foolishly decided to join Aunt Alice at the after-Christmas sales the next day. I made it home at noon and went straight to bed. She managed to wear me out, a feat in itself. Then Nathan came by that night and we watched a movie in front of the fire. I mentioned that my feet were killing me from all the walking around that we did and he gently massaged them. It was so sweet! I had to give him a great big kiss from that and then things started to get heated. Dad then came in and reminded us that they were around. We settled back and watched another movie.

I don't know how this is going to play out, I really don't. Do I keep them in the dark and hope they don't find out? It's getting harder and harder for me to block thoughts from dad. And I don't want to lie to him. Maybe he should know what happened and then things could go back to normal. Or he'll find out and lock me in the basement until I'm 200. _That_ would be swell.

I won't worry about it now. It's the start of a new year and new beginnings. I will hang with the family today and watch the Rose Bowl with Uncle Emmett. I will talk and laugh and act like things are okay. I will text Nathan every chance I get and even call Jacob to wish him a Happy New Year. And then I will try my damndest to make sure that it is.

**A/N**: I am SO sorry for the delay in updating. I have two jobs at the university that I work for and they have taken up too much of my time. But luckily, I have a reprieve for a week so hopefully I can get a lot of writing done.

Interesting that Jasper found out, but not Edward. Do you think he will? What adventures will come of the New Year? Let me know!

As always, I appreciate your reviews. Thanks so much for reading!


	41. January 6

**A/N**: This is short. Nessie can't _always_ have a lot of interesting stuff going on. Don't worry, her life will be complicated again.

Dear Diary,

It's back to school. I _really_ didn't want to go back, but there's no stopping it. I was having _so_ much fun over break. I challenged Uncle Emmett to another chess tournament and kicked his cold ass! It was great! He pouted like a child and asked Aunt Rosalie to console him. She had none of that so he asked dad. Dad thought it was funny that his daughter beat her uncle at something, something he _claims_ to be good in. Take that Emmett!

I spent yesterday down at La Push hanging with Jacob and Seth. Seth has turned into a really nice guy. He and dad are pretty good friends and loves to hang out with me as well. Jacob did his usual showing off. He wrestled with Seth and pinned him to the ground, forcing Seth to call him "awesome Jacob" before releasing him. Seth managed to go ten minutes with Jake sitting on him before he relented.

Personally, I thought it was dumb. Boys can be so _boy_ at times. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I enjoy the horsing-around guy thing, but yesterday, not so much. I don't know why I was so crabby; maybe because it's the start of PMS. Or I just need to hunt. Either way, I wasn't amused.

Jacob could tell. He apologized for horsing around and promised to spend the rest of his time with me. And he did. We had to hang out inside so we watched movies and ordered pizza. I only ate two pieces, though. It didn't smell appetizing. Actually, nothing with human food has smelled appetizing lately. I don't get it. I know eventually I will be consuming just blood, but it shouldn't be happening yet…should it?

I will have to ask Grandpa Carlisle. Those are the only two issues I've had lately, and it's only been the past couple of days. Maybe I need a vacation.

Actually, I was thinking of taking a trip this summer to Europe. Dad thinks it's a great idea, mom is skeptical. She's worried that the Volturi will get wind of it and find me. I told her that I can handle myself. She's worried he'll "re-examine" my existence and order me killed. And if I'm in an easy grasp of theirs, they won't be stopped. I told her that wouldn't happen; I'm strong and can fend for myself. I can't live in fear of the Volturi just because they may or may not want me around.

They are _so_ strange! A few months ago, they wanted me to join them. They said that I'd make a great addition being a half-ling. I have my vampire powers and think like a human; they thought that was a great asset. Hell if I know why. I think Aro found a way to smoke crack.

So anyways, I was thinking a trip might be fun. I could invite Nathan or Jacob and if they can't go, then one of my other friends. I would really like Nathan to go with me; it would be really romantic. But I know he doesn't like traveling and I don't want to make him uncomfortable on the plane. In that sense, Jacob may be better. I know he'd like to go; he thinks we haven't spent that much time together lately. I agree with that, but don't know if I want to make Nathan worry.

He knows he can trust me and he knows he can't trust Jacob. Suppose I was in Spain or someplace and Jake decided to declare his undying love for me; what could he do? Nathan can't do anything as he is in the States. I told him that he wouldn't have to worry; I would put Jake in his place. He said "yeah, he'll listen to that. He listened so well when your mother told him the same thing." He has a point!

This is all just a thought right now. I want to book everything soon if I do go, but I'm still debating. The other part of me wants to stay home and continue beating Uncle Emmett at chess. I never get tired of that!

**A/N**: I am sorry for the delays in updating but I appreciate your continued support of this story. I love _VD_ and hope it continues for quite awhile.

Thanks for reading! Please review.


	42. January 20

**A/N**: In honor of McKenzie Foy being cast as Renesmee, I thought I would update. Enjoy!

Dear Diary,

We may be moving. I am _devastated_. Dad came home today and said that people are beginning to question Grandpa Carlisle's looks, along with the rest of us. My parents and aunts and uncles can claim to look young for a few years more, but people knowing about Grandpa Carlisle and Grandma Esme have a seventeen-year-old granddaughter is stirring up talk.

Stupid people! Why can't they just keep their mouths shut? Why do they have to be so nosy? Our lives are _not_ their concern. They need to be more focused on the recent crime spree that has taken hold (Grandpa Charlie is working himself sick right now). Not to mention the economy. Several mills have closed and unemployment in Forks is rising. How about worrying about that? And not on what age the Cullen family is?

I swear, people are idiots sometimes. And in small towns, they like to gossip. I guess it's like their form of entertainment. I mean hell, we have to go shopping in either Port Angeles or Seattle; there are no malls here. There could be, but no one is smart enough to make this town boom. So therefore, it's dying.

I do not want to move. I like it here. I'm doing well in school and am happy. Although my childhood has been rapid, I still have memories. And friends. And Nathan. How can I leave him? We have grown closer since Christmas; it was as though that was what we needed to confirm our relationship. And now I'm supposed to just pack up and leave, like he doesn't matter to me? He's supposed to just move on, find some other half-ling to love and settle down with her for the rest of eternity?

I don't think so. Nothing has been decided yet, but I'm already forming plans. If they leave, I want to stay behind to finish high school at least. I hate the idea of being uprooted this late in my school career. I know that's what mom went through, moving to a new city and starting a new school at seventeen, but I'm not mom. I don't want to do that. Unfortunately, I'm not legally an adult so I may have no leg to stand on, but I have to try something. I can't just stand by and watch this happen.

And what about Jacob? We are betrothed; will he follow us? Will he leave the pack? I doubt that. He is very close to the wolves and they are his family. I don't care how "smitten" he is with me; he's not going to leave them. And I wouldn't want him to. That would be selfish. My father taught me better than that.

I asked Uncle Jasper for advice. He told me that the family is used to moving locations so it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I reminded him that Forks is the only home I know; it is the only place I grew up in. He paused, realizing what I said and agreed it would be hard on me. But he didn't say anything to appease me.

Aunt Rosalie didn't take too kindly to the news either. She likes it here. She has friends and is working on her career as a fashion designer. She knows she can do that anywhere, but the constant cloud-cover in Forks is ideal for her to go out and find fabrics and materials. You know, things she wouldn't be able to find in other cities unless it's at night.

So there's one ally in this fight. But I don't think we'll win. Two of us against the rest of them. Not very good odds. I could add Jacob into the mix, but I doubt they'd bother to listen to a "dog." And since my parents found out about what happened at Christmas, they haven't been too happy with Nathan either.

Personally, I think he is a reason they want to move. They haven't said anything, but I get the impression that their "little girl" is growing up too fast and they want to move to protect me. I get that, I really do. But I'm not "little" anymore. Hell, when I _was_ little I wasn't little. I was fierce. I could outrun dad and sometimes outrun the wolves. I had more strength than other children my age (that hasn't changed) and had powers. I'm not sure what happened to those; I think they went away. I haven't been able to use them for quite awhile. Maybe Jacob concocted some spell on the reservation and put it on me. He _had_ been the recipient of powers the last time, so it makes sense. I will have to ask him about that.

Anyways, I am not little. I can take care of myself. And I want the opportunity to prove that. So maybe if the family moves, I _can_ stay. Nathan had a radical idea. He said we could get married. He is acting seventeen but is more like twenty-one physically. Course, so am I. He said we could easily change our ages and get a license and marry. I would be older than mom so she couldn't complain and then we could start our existence together.

Okay, nice idea but I am nowhere near ready. First off, I do want to finish high school. I can't do that if I change my age. Second off, I want to go to college. I can't if I'm a high school dropout. And thirdly, I don't know. We may be destined to be together for all eternity, but eternity is a long time. I want to enjoy myself now and not settle down. Mom rushed into marriage and her afterlife, but I'm not so sure that I want to. Yes, I know she doesn't regret it at all; she loves my dad. But I would regret it. While I'm still human, I want human experiences. I want to travel and see the world. I want to feel the sunlight on my face and the rain on my skin. I want to be in love as a human before being in love as a vampire. I want to know that when my mortality ends I won't regret anything.

I don't think he was too eager to do that and it wasn't like he actually asked me. He just brought it up in our conversation. Besides, what would I tell Jacob? "Jacob, I know that you imprinted on me when I was born and I appreciate that. However, I have fallen in love with someone else and we are going to be married for all eternity. I hope you don't mind." Yeah, that'd go over _real_ well!

As I said, nothing has been decided yet. We are going to have a family meeting tomorrow to discuss our options. I think Aunt Rosalie and I will be vetoed on our decision to stay here. But she's used to moving, I'm not. How can I adjust? I have friends here and I'd have to start all over again. I'm already considered a freak by many people, how would that go over? I'd probably be considered that again. Maybe even worse. How would I date? _Would _I date? Would Nathan find me? Or would he just move on? He said he was in love with me, how much is true? Supposedly dad read his mind, but I know he could have read something else. Maybe Nathan is looking to get rid of me and dad is just being sweet because he doesn't want me to be hurt. Well, I would be anyways is Nathan dumps me. And then what about Sally? And Leslie? And my other friends? Would they forget about me?

I would have my family, of course, but no one else. What kind of life is that?

**A/N**: So there's a little angst for our dear Renesmee. What do you think will happen?

Thanks for reading! Please make my day and review.


	43. January 26

**A/N**: A special shout out to Bananaguard, who called my story "drivel" and said I wouldn't "get into Oxford" for it. Cheers!

January 26

Dear Diary,

I got sick at school today. I don't know why; I hardly ever do. I may get the occasional human cold, but aside from one time when I was little, major illness avoids me. One perk to being a half-ling. But I was about halfway through third period when I felt queasy. I managed to excuse myself and get to the bathroom. I needn't have worried though; I wasn't sick like that. I just felt very nauseous and clammy.

I did come home. I didn't want whatever I have to get worse. I have a slight fever, unusual for me, along with the chills. Mom said she would have Grandpa Carlisle look in on me later. Currently I am the only one at home. Another perk of being a half-ling is that I can take care of myself. I would _love_ to see someone try to break in. even in my sickened state, I'd still be able to kick ass.

And no, to answer your question. I have already checked on that. I was prepared for Christmas and besides, it's harder for me. Yes, it _can_ happen, but not as likely as if I was wholly human. You should have seen Nathan's face, though, when I told him I wasn't feeling well. His mind immediately went to that and he panicked a little. Guys are _so_ dumb. He didn't seem appeased when I explained that I'm okay; in fact that seemed to make it worse. I don't get him sometimes.

Jacob is coming over later for company. I text him when I got home, informing him of my condition, and he said he'd love to watch a movie with me. He rented _Letters to Juliet_ and we will watch it in about an hour or so. I mentioned that it's snowing here and he said that won't be an issue. I figure he'll probably phase and run the whole way here. It would be pretty funny to see him carrying the movie in his mouth.

He surprised me, actually, when he suggested that title. I figured he want to see some blow-em-up action movie with lots of swearing. But he has a thing for Amanda Seyfried so seeing this movie was a must for him. I know I wanted to see it for awhile but never got the chance. I'm glad that he'll bring it over. I just hope he doesn't declare his undying love for me again. Seriously, that gets old.

Course, if he does, I could lie and tell him I _am_ pregnant. That would go over _really_ well. I can just see dad blowing into my room this evening, face like thunder, and demand to know what's going on. I've done pretty well hiding a few things from him, but his damn mind-reading never fails. He would probably think I'm lying when I told him the truth and lock me in my room for a year. That wouldn't be so bad; I'd unlock the window for visitors. But eventually I'd miss the downstairs.

My father can be _so_ dramatic at times. I know he's always been like this, but sheesh. How does mom put up with it? He's mellowed since mom was turned, but now that he has a teenage daughter, he's reverting back to his old, uptight self. I've heard Uncle Emmett lately threaten to kick his ass if he doesn't change, but dad just laughs at him. I suppose he thinks Uncle Emmett won't do it (big mistake). I _know_ he would. In fact, he's been looking for an excuse for awhile. And since I have Emmett wrapped around my finger, he'd be more than happy to exert some authority over my father. And mom would laugh the entire time.

Oh, I just got a text from Leslie. She said she hopes I'm okay and that Kaitlyn took the opportunity to flirt with Nathan. Slut! She knows better than that. She's never done it before because I'm always there, but I'm gone _one_ day and she tries to ruin what I have. I text Leslie back, asking what happened. I haven't heard, but I'm guessing he just ignored Kaitlyn. Not that that'll stop her, but still.

I can't blame her for being interested, Nathan is gorgeous. He could be a model. In fact, I asked him once why he didn't try to be. He said that the bloodlust would be too much and he would probably feed on all the models. I pointed out that there's no meat on their bones anyways, so he wouldn't get much to eat. He laughed at that and said he didn't want to be around such superficial women. He liked me just as I am, half-ling and all.

Leslie replied. She said that he flirted back. WHAT? I was about to go ballistic when she explained that he's doing it on purpose. He knows that ignoring her won't work, so he's going to flirt a little to make her think he's interested and then tell her the truth. It's a mean and cruel plan…I _love_ it. It's about time Kaitlyn realized that the world does not revolve around her. She's jealous of the fact that Nathan likes me, the resident "freak" and will do whatever she can to sabotage it. However, she doesn't realize she's dealing with two half-lings (would we make one whole?) who are smarter than that.

Hmmm. I may have to ask dad to "enroll" in school to read her mind. Or figure out some other way to do it.

Leslie said that Nathan says "hi" and that he loves me. Aw! He will call me later tonight. I mentioned that Jacob was on his way over. I don't want to lie to him. We've been through too much to treat him like that.

Oh, there's no decision yet on whether or not we're going to move. Apparently, the vote was split even; Grandpa Carlisle declined from voting. He said that he didn't want to move any more than the others, but he didn't see how we could stay. Uncle Jasper said that it would be easy to eliminate gossip; he actually had a gleam in his eye when he brought up that point. I think he's been aching to feed on someone lately. Carlisle agreed, but said they are innocents; we can't hurt them for talking.

Aunt Rosalie pointed out that packing up and leaving suddenly will look suspicious and people will talk. She also mentioned me, saying that it's not fair to me to always be uprooted. They are used to moving on, but I'm not (neither is mom). She said that we can't keep running from gossip and suspicion every few years; it will get tiring for me. I pointed out that my humanness will eventually leave and then I'll be more able to adapt to the vampire way of life. She told me that none of them should have to constantly move.

So, we'll see. Some of the arguments got pretty heated and Uncle Jasper had to calm everyone down. I am beginning to think we won't move. Those people spreading gossip can easily be dealt with, either by my family or by me. I'm leaning towards me.

**A/N**: Renesmee will not be getting pregnant in this story. However, I do like the idea of Nathan messing with Kaitlyn more. Who knows? Maybe she'll become sympathetic.

And it's about time Corey returned, don't you think?

A million thanks to those who read this and review. I love all of you.


	44. February 3

**A/N**: Corey is back in this chapter. Oh, joy!

February 3

Dear Diary,

He did it. The ass did it. Corey finally crossed a line and has to be disposed of. The human part of me should feel bad that his time is limited. The human part of me should be sad and disappointed. The human part of me is elated for that fact. The monster part of me is satisfied as well. It's been a good day.

Okay, this is what happened. Nathan was over and we were…getting heated up when there was a pounding at the door. Mom and dad had gone hunting so I had to throw my jeans back on to answer it. Standing there was Sally. She was a mess. Her favorite blouse was ripped, she had a black eye and her lip was fat. I saw blood running down her right leg and I knew immediately what happened.

I shouted for Nathan as I pulled her inside. She was too shaken up to talk about anything. I knew she would refuse to go to the hospital, so Nathan called Grandpa Carlisle while I held her quietly. She wasn't crying; it's as though she was in shock. I asked her what happened, even though I already knew, and she said one word: "Corey." I heard a growl from the kitchen and realized that Nathan heard what she said. At that moment, I knew that Corey's time on this Earth was ending.

Grandpa Carlisle did a thorough examination. Luckily nothing was broken nor were there any internal injuries. He said that he had never seen someone act the way she did. She didn't focus, she didn't speak and she didn't react. It was as though the life went out of her. Grandpa Carlisle asked her if she had someplace safe to stay and I said yes. She would stay with me as long as she needed. I'm her best friend, why wouldn't I let her stay?

Mom and dad came home then and we informed them what was going on. Dad was _furious!_ I could tell he was thinking of the time mom was in Port Angeles as a human and was almost attacked. Mom was angry too, though she tried not to show it in front of us. She didn't want to upset Sally any more than she already was. But I could see in her eyes that she was fighting her inner monster. And that's not always an easy thing to do.

Uncle Jasper came over to calm everyone down and helped me think. My best friend has been raped. I warned her about going out with Corey; we all did. But she did it anyways. Now was not the time for "I told you so," but the time for standing beside her. I would, of course and I knew that the other girls would as well. Sally said she didn't want anyone else to know and I respected that. But word will spread quickly. I'm sure Corey is bragging to his friends about how he "got laid" and who it was. He'll probably make up some stupid lie to justify why she's not at school and he'll say that he dumped her to explain why he's not talking to her.

We set her up in the guest room and lent her a pair of my pajamas. She actually spoke to me and said "thank you." I told her I'm her best friend and will do anything for her. She squeezed my hand when I told her that. What I kept quiet though, was the fact that Corey won't be bragging his story to anyone, let alone an entire school. I know my family and I know Nathan; they won't let him go for too long.

Brb….

Sorry, I know it's an hour later but Nathan just left. He climbed through my window to talk about what happened. I selfishly thought that he'd want to continue what we were doing before, but knowing my parents were around it wouldn't happen. Nathan's eyes were black and he was having a hard time controlling his strength. He told me that he didn't know if he could wait to take care of Corey. I told him that we need to think rationally. It doesn't do any good to fly off the deep end and cause more trouble.

He took me into his arms and said quietly "what if that was you?" I told him that it would never be, given what I am. He chuckled and said "okay, if you were completely human then, what if it was you?" He told me that he wouldn't be able to get past that if it happened to me. I held him quietly while he got his rage out. He needed this, he needed the time. I wonder why it matters to him so much. He knows that I can't be attacked by another human, I'm too strong. So what is the big deal?

Unless he has a human family member that experienced it….

Right before he left, he kissed me hard and told me he loved me. "Don't ever forget that," he said. Then he jumped out of the window and disappeared into the night. I peeked in on Sally and saw she was sitting at the vanity table in the guest room, staring off into space. Well, I guess she isn't _really_ staring off into space but that's what she wants us to think. I don't want to push her, but I want her to know that I will always be here for her. I hope that she tells me what happened, however brutal it may be, if it helps her recover. She can stay with us as long as possible and we are probably her best and safest choice for the time being. If Corey does try to come after her, he'll have to get through eight blood-thirsty vampires. And when I say blood-thirsty, I mean his.

As I said, his time is limited. I just hope I'm the one to end it.

**A/N**: So what do you think will happen to Corey?

Thanks so much for reading. I know I say it in every chapter, but I truly do appreciate the time you take to read this story. It makes me happy that people enjoy _Vampire Diaries_ as I enjoy writing it. And although it's been awhile since I updated, I am not planning on ending this anytime soon. There is too much living that Renesmee needs to do and a lot more adventures for her to have. I hope you will join us on it.


	45. February 10

Dear Diary,

Today was interesting. A lot of things happened; most notably that Corey has disappeared. The police are convinced that he has run away, but I know better. Nathan has sworn up and down that he had nothing to do with it. In a way, I believe him. His beautiful brown eyes were telling me that he spoke the truth, yet I can't help wondering if he is just trying to protect me. We had made some plans as to _how_ we were going to dispose of Corey, but we never decided anything. Nor did we figure someone else would do our dirty work. Should I feel bad that he's disappeared? Maybe. Do I? Hell no.

Ever since the rape Sally has withdrawn. She hasn't been in school this week. I was allowed to visit once, but every other time I've gone to her place I'm told she doesn't want visitors. I hope that she lets me see her. I know she has to get through it, but she doesn't have to do it alone. I'm her best friend; I can help. Maybe she figures that since I'm a half-ling and will never be in that situation that I can't sympathize. Well, she's wrong. Yes, that won't happen to me but that doesn't mean I can't be a good friend.

Mom says to give her time. She said that Sally will come around, it's just hard. Aunt Rosalie said the same thing. Aunt Rosalie knows what she's going through. Even though she was turned almost immediately afterwards, she still felt like shit after it happened. And after she got over it, she wanted revenge. And she got it. I had goose bumps when she told me the story of how Royce got what was coming to him. I told her that she should have made him suffer. She replied, with a smile "oh, he did."

I'm not saying that Sally should look for revenge, especially when it seems like it's already been asserted, but something should happen. I know she won't date for awhile; that's par for course. I will do what mom said. I'll let her know I'm here for her when she wants to talk, but let her be. I am worried it'll have negative repercussions, but I guess I have to take that chance.

Nathan had a confession to make. Remember in the last entry I wondered if he had a family member who was raped? Well, he did. His mother. That is how he got here. A _vampire_ did it. I didn't think it was possible, but he said yes. He pointed out that my dad had sex with my mom when she was still human. Course, they were in love so he was determined not to hurt her, but it still happened. He said that it wasn't hard for his father to regulate control so he didn't kill her.

I couldn't believe he told me that. I knew his father was a vampire and his mother was not and that she didn't like his vampiric side. But I had _no_ idea that he was conceived out of power! Why the hell would a vampire need to rape someone for power? We are the most powerful beings; we don't need to do that!

He told me that their story is much like my parents. His father, a vampire, met her and wooed her for about three years before he left. During that time, he was patient as she was young and didn't want to give her virginity up. But he always pressured her. Then one night he had enough and that resulted in Nathan. His father left after that and she prayed that Nathan would be human. Well, her prayers were half-granted. She hates the vampire side of him because she sees his father, but of course loves him since he's hers. Since Nathan doesn't really know his father, he can't comment. But he tries to be everything his father is not.

I asked him why he didn't tell me sooner. He said that he was ashamed; that I wouldn't want him if I found out he was the product of rape. I couldn't believe he said that! I told him that I love him and not what he was sired from. I asked if it made a difference that my family has powers and he said no. "Okay, then," I told him. "If our pasts don't matter, why are you worrying about them?"

Nathan is a lot like my father. They are both decent and loving and quick to blame themselves when something happens. When mom was human, if she would get injured, dad would blame himself for it when it had nothing to do with him. Like the whole James incident. He blamed himself for putting her in that situation. And when Uncle Jasper lost control and almost attacked her at her birthday party. Shit happens. Let it go. But, dad being dad, he blamed himself and said he wasn't good enough and thereby starting a downward spiral for the both of them. Thank God he came back or Jacob might have been my father (EW!).

Jacob. I really need to call him. I haven't seen much of him lately due to both of our schedules. Cheerleading for the basketball team will wrap up in a month or so and I'll have more free time. He himself has been busy with things on the reservation. I know he misses me though. And in a way, I miss him. He knows Nathan is around but still isn't going down without a fight. Maybe if I spend some time with him this weekend I can appease him for awhile. Or it can result in heartbreak. I really don't want to hurt him, he's already been hurt by mom, but I don't see how it's avoidable. Unless Nathan gets tired of me. _That_ I can see.

So anyways, I plan to give Sally space. As much as she needs. And I will let Nathan know that he's an idiot for assuming that I wouldn't want to be with him due to his past. I will also let him know that he can't keep things like that from me if he wants to be with me. I am a big girl; I can handle it. we are both freaks and we need to accept that. And then I will call Jacob and what will be will be.

Sheesh, this entry was uber-depressing. I'm going to sign-off and challenge Uncle Emmett to a game of chess. That's mindless fun and watching him pout when he loses is hilarious.

Ciao for now!

**A/N**: So a bit about Nathan's past is revealed. Don't worry, he's a good guy in this. But even good guys can be bad at times, right?

Who do you think took Corey out?

Thanks for reading! Please, please review and make my night!


	46. February 15

February 15

Dear Diary,

Jacob took me out for Valentine's Day. Yes, Jacob. Nathan didn't mention anything to me about it. He's been feeling depressed since Sally's attack. It's bringing up painful memories for him in regards to his father and he's pushing me away. I told him not to, that I am here for him, but this is something that he needs to work through. So I'm giving him space until he comes back around. I know he will and dad confirmed it when he read Nathan's thoughts. He loves me, but he needs his time. I understand.

But I'd be damned if I wasn't going to have a good time this Valentine's Day. Jacob asked so why not? My parents were lukewarm about that fact. They think I should have stayed at home pining for Nathan. Sometimes I _do not_ get them! First they tell me not to settle down as I have my whole existence in front of me and then when I do decide to "live it up," they tell me to slow down. What the hell is up with that?

Actually, that's a bit of a lie. The one who wanted me to stay home was mom. Yes, _mom._ You would think it would be dad because he gets all weirded out at me dating, but no. It. Was. Mom. Dad agreed that I should wait at home but after reading my mind and seeing that I really wanted a night out, sided with me. He said that they can't treat me like I'm 12 when I'm not. I tried to keep Christmas Eve out of my thoughts; I didn't need him seeing what happened that night. Then he definitely would not let me out of the house!

I'm surprised he hasn't said anything. Surely he knows? Nathan and I are not that clever to keep it from him. Yes, I've tried suppressing my thoughts around him, but that doesn't mean that I didn't slip. I know I have. And I'm sure Nathan has too. So why have I not been locked in the basement yet?

Speaking of that night, I am aching for another one. It's been almost two months since anything's happened. We were having some fun the night Sally showed up on my doorstep, but we weren't planning on taking it all the way. Just some fun messing around. I have been craving it more and more lately and he's pulling back. I don't know why and it's annoying the hell out of me. But who can I talk to about this? I can't talk to my family; they'd flip. Even Aunt Alice. Everyone wants me to be so pure and innocent. Do they think I'm going to be a nun or something? I live with _vampires_; horny ones at that. Do they really think I'm not going to hear things? I mean sheesh, Uncle Emmett was talking openly to me about what he and Aunt Rosalie did last weekend. She smacked him upside the head but didn't apologize or anything. Maybe I need to start making comments of my own to tell them that I'm not a little girl. I'm half-vampire and they can talk kinky around me.

I once overheard Aunt Alice telling mom about something new that Uncle Jasper did to her. She talked about how much she enjoyed it and how excited she was to get him to do it again. Then mom mentioned things that dad does to her and that was when I ran up to my room. I don't have a problem hearing about the sex lives of the other members of my family, but I do when it comes to my parents. Is that natural? I don't know. But I do know that they talk about it and act on it…a lot!

So anyways, Nathan is pushing me away right now and I wanted to go out for V Day. And Jacob took me out and he had a wonderful time. He brought me roses and took me dancing. I have not been in ages! Around midnight he kissed me under the stars. It was sweet and comforting. Should I feel guilty? Maybe. Do I? No.

Am I a horrible person? As I've said countless times, I don't belong to either of them. Yes, I've given myself to Nathan and consider him my soul mate, but forever is a long time. Sometimes I need an actual human to spend some time with. Or dog, as the case may be. And I got that. I don't know; I'm so confused.

Besides, Nathan's pushing me away right now. How can I be there for him when he doesn't want me? How can I tell him I love him when he doesn't call? And I realized that I do love Jacob…in a way. It's not passionate like Nathan. It's more comforting. I think it's more like a brotherly love. That would explain the kiss. It was sweet but not passionate. Comforting yes, but not knock-your-socks-off anymore. That has changed. Jacob's kisses used to ignite fire and passion, the same as Nathan's. Now, not so much. I guess I feel more for Nathan than I thought I did.

And what would Jacob do if we had to move? Would he follow? I very much doubt that. When I told him we may have to move he didn't say anything. His silence pretty much gave me his answer. He would remain with the wolf pack and forget about me. He'd imprint on someone else and leave me wondering what happened. Nathan has already promised he will move with me if it comes to that. Nothing has been decided yet, but it's good to know that _someone_ wants to follow after me. And I would follow him as well.

Found out who the big mouth was. It was town slut Jessica Stanley. I swear, that woman's mouth is almost as loose as her vajayjay. Wasn't surprised to find out it was she who was inquiring as to what age Grandpa Carlisle was. I told her later that she doesn't look like she's aged for having five kids. She narrowed her eyes at me and says she has two. "Really?" I replied. "Then you lied to Mike Newton a year ago, telling him you have three more that are his? Was this to blackmail him? So that he wouldn't fire you from his company?" She asked how I knew that. I shrugged. "I'm a Cullen; we know things." Of course I didn't tell her that my father's a mind reader. But the point was taken. She has since shut her yap. But I'm not done with her. I plan on scaring the shit out of her so she _never_ says anything bad about my family again. Now to figure out how to do it….

Leslie just text; she wants to meet and organize a small "we love you Sally" party. Sally told her what happened herself. She's actually doing a little better. She said she wants to come over for a movie night. Just the two of us. We've been so wrapped up in our own lives that we haven't had best friend time in awhile. So she'll come over tomorrow night and we'll watch movies, pig out on popcorn and hopefully girl talk. I won't push her into anything, though. And then Leslie wants to have the party the following weekend. It'll probably just be Sally, Nathan, Leslie and me. Something small and private. We are, after all, the only ones in our group who knows. Carmen is suspecting something is up, but we are mum on the subject. I'm not betraying my best friend's trust to keep Carmen happy. Besides, she has a big mouth at times too. I could only imagine the damage _she_ would do if she found out what I was. You thought Slutty Stanley was bad at gossip? You haven't met Carmen!

I really need to find new friends, preferably ones that are already vampires. They won't spill the secret of what they are and will stop making cracks about my pale skin. Is it too late to make a belated New Year's resolution?


	47. February 28

**A/N:** I am sorry for the delay. There is no excuse. Time just slipped away. Again, there is no excuse.

February 28

Dear Diary,

I can't believe it! Taylor Lautner is coming to Forks! For one day only! He's promoting his new movie, _Werewolf Hunter_ and we were picked for the debut! Out of every place, FORKS was chosen. Squee! I am _so_ excited. He is _so_ hot! Leslie knows someone at the movie theater and is hard at work securing tickets for us to go.

This will be in April. I really hope she gets them. I have been dying to meet him. Well, not literally since that's nearly impossible for me. I melted when I first saw him on screen. He was in a romantic comedy and took his shirt off! Wow-wee! Can we say MUSCLES? I've told Nathan he needs to bulk up to rival Taylor. He just rolls his eyes at me.

Taylor. Lautner. In. My. Hometown. This is _awesome_! Can you tell I'm excited? Lisa thinks he's ugly. We were talking about him at lunch today (the whole school was buzzing about it) and we looked at her as though she had horns growing out of her head. She couldn't understand the appeal. I know that we all have different tastes in men. Several of the girls drop dead over the mention of Robert Pattinson. He's cute; I'll give him that, but not like Taylor. Yum!

Lisa is more of a Johnny Depp man. She talks about how sexy he is and how he's such a good actor, blah, blah, blah. Okay, I've seen him act. Yes, he's a chameleon, but he is not good looking. At least, not to me. I prefer them darker than him and with less hair. He always seems to look like a bum off the street. Of course, this is just me. I have a right to feel that way and she has a right to think Taylor's ugly. However, she's _wrong_!

I know that mom and dad won't allow me to have the time off to go see him, so I'm going to ask Grandpa Carlisle. I have him wrapped around my little finger. He gives me just about everything that I ask for. I know it'll be hard keeping it from dad, but I'm going to try. And I'm going to silence Grandpa Carlisle as well. Course, if dad did find out from him, he would be the voice of reason to calm him down. Not that it would do any good; I'd still be grounded when I got home.

I figure I'll be grounded anyways, might as well make it worthwhile. _So_ excited! Nathan rolled his eyes at me. He doesn't see the fascination either. I asked him today what celebrity he finds attractive. He was silent for a bit and then said "I don't know." I pushed him some more, saying that Nikki Reed, the newest Oscar-winning actress was a knockout in her white dress on the red carpet. I showed him her picture and he shrugged. "She's okay," he said. For a moment, I wondered if he was gay.

Maybe Taylor and Nikki could do a movie together. That would be _so_ awesome!

Yeah, so I'm excited. So sue me! Things have been too intense lately. I'm happy for the chance to be excited. The girls and I have decided to watch Taylor's movies this weekend to prepare. Even though he's not til April, one can't watch his films too much. We are all going to camp out at Carmen's Friday night. We will start with _Tomb of the Unknown Soldier_ and go from there. Taylor in a military uniform…drool! We're going to order pizza and have a slumber party and enjoy the whole weekend. I'm sure I'll have to leave at some point on Saturday to go hunting, though. Maybe I'll go before the party. I've noticed that human food tastes better _after_ I've consumed animal blood. Don't ask me why, it's one of the quirks of being me, I guess.

We are all bringing snacks and games and stuff. It's going to be so much fun! We have not had a girls' night in forever. And yes, Sally will be there. This is her first trek out with her friends since the incident. She can sure use it.

Is it wrong to be this excited? Even though I might not get the chance to meet him, I can't help it! Just seeing him in our hometown is big news. I'm sure they'll roll out the red carpet for him. Maybe I can convince mom and dad to invite him over for a snack. And we'll keep Uncle Jasper away.

Can't wait!

**A/N**: Things were getting entirely too dark; I needed to lighten the mood.

Thanks for sticking with me. Please review!


	48. March 5

**A/N**: I am sorry for the delay. The holidays are not the time for me to write, apparently. Luckily that will change with a week of vacay the end of the year.

March 5

Dear Diary,

Okay, we are no longer moving. For awhile there, it was touch-and-go. But Aunt Rosalie and I were able to convince everyone why we needed to stay here. Uncle Emmett would go along with anything Aunt Rose wanted and I knew I had both mom and dad wrapped around my little finger. Once we voiced our opinions, everyone saw the light and we decided to stay. This makes me _so_ happy because I didn't want to leave Forks or my friends.

Nathan is still acting flaky. This whole Sally thing really got to him. He feels bad since he was the product of a vampire rape. I tried telling him that his mother still loves him, and he said she "doesn't love a part of him." The vampire part, obviously. It reminds her of _him_ and that's the last thing she wanted. I asked "wouldn't you in general remind her of him? Since you were produced by him?" Yeah, probably shouldn't have said that. He got angry and went for a run, which meant he went to hunt.

So now I don't know what's going on. I have given him time, given him space and he's still pulling away from me. I gave him everything I had and now I'm regretting it. I really hope he comes back to me.

My body aches for him. And I'm not talking just sexually. Yes, that's there, but I ache for his breath on my shoulder. I ache to feel him take my hand as we walk through the hall. I ache to feel him kiss me. Damn it! I have _actually_ started crying. I'm such a wuss.

Okay, I'm better now…I think.

I'll write about something else. I hung out with Jacob today. He makes me forget about Nathan. He was sweet and funny and took me for a ride in his wolf form. I ran my fingers through his fur and he sighed happily. At least, I think it was a sigh. Can wolves sigh? Anyways, I had a great time. And I told him that he looks like Taylor Lautner. I mentioned that Taylor will be here in April and I was _so_ excited to meet him. He feigned hurt; placing his hand over his chest and saying he was wounded. I shoved him, but it was like pushing against a wall. It made absolutely no difference. I told him he was a dumbass. He laughed and said I was right. Then he pulled me into his arms and we danced on the beach in the moonlight.

It was a great night.

Jacob has accepted that I am with Nathan and he's backed off…somewhat. He didn't try to kiss me, but he did hold my hand. I have not told him about Christmas Eve, but I have a feeling he already knows. It's impossible to keep secrets in my family. And that's not just because my father is a mind-reader. We have Alice, remember?

Although, I have noticed she's a little more discreet when it comes to talking about sex. Aunt Rosalie will spill every detail (and believe me, I've heard it before), but Alice will not. Sure, I know _some_ things, like how gorgeous Uncle Jasper looks with his shirt off (I will have nightmares for a month) and how _endowed_ he is, but as for what they do, her lips are sealed. And then there goes mom, spilling the beans about her and dad. Apparently they are trying to break records with destroying headboards. If I haven't tuned them out before, I did then. There was one time when I was sitting at the kitchen counter, trying to concentrate on my homework when Alice and mom began talking. I ran from the room saying "la, la, la" so I wouldn't have to hear their sordid details. I could hear them laughing from my room. And that was the day I decided that all my homework would be done there.

Uncle Emmett is also very eager to spill details about _anything._ He told me about the latest bear he killed, and while it was an awesome fight, he gave every detail about how he drained it and watched its body flatten. The human part of me got sick at hearing all of that. I spent the next two hours in the bathroom emptying the contents of my stomach…which included some of the bear blood that he gave me. Uncle Jasper held my hair back, crinkling his nose at the scent. I glared at him, telling him if it was too much he could leave. "No way in hell," he told me. I saw his gold eyes darken to black. He could feel my annoyance and returned it with his own. "Remember, Nessie, I'm _still_ your uncle."

I seem to be pissing everyone off today. Thanks, Nathan.

I really need a weekend away. Mom and dad let me go to LA last summer with my friends, but I wonder if they would let me go someplace alone. I have _no_ idea why, but Las Vegas sounds like fun. Maybe I can plan it before the Taylor Lautner thing. I can easily convince Jacob to create a fake id for me so I can go gamble. And I won't take much money, only a couple of hundred. Besides, even if I did blow thousands, it's not like we can't afford it. Yeah, I like that. I'll take a weekend away by myself.

I won't tell my parents that I'm going to Vegas. I know they won't approve due to my age. So I'll have to lie. And it'll be hard blocking it from my dad. I'll have to plan the Vegas trip when I'm at school or my friends' houses. At home, I'll think of another place. Maybe I'll get on the computer tonight and Google places that they would be cool with.

Going alone won't be that much fun, though. Maybe I'll ask one person. Sally could use the time away. She and I could really tear up Las Vegas. And, if she goes, we won't go for a weekend; we'll go over Easter break. That will be about five days. Her fam may not be too thrilled with her being gone over the holiday, but they'll live.

Wow. This was supposed to be a happy entry. I mean after all, we don't have to move. That's great, isn't it? We can stay in Forks. I love Forks; I don't want to move. I should be happy. So why am I not?

Yeah, definitely need that weekend.

**A/N**: Guess who follows her to Vegas?

If anyone is interested, check out the _Musical Cues_ contest here on FFN. There are currently 35 entries needing to be read and voted on. Lots of great stories! And yes, one of them is mine. But I'm not saying which one. .net/u/2455894/FreeWriters_One_Shot_Contests

Thanks for reading. Please review!


	49. March 26

**A/N:** Sorry, _again,_ for the delay. If I get the chance, I will get one more chapter up before Christmas. Anyways, enjoy!

March 26

Dear Diary,

Well, I'm in Vegas. So far, I love it! I don't want to leave. I am staying at the Excalibur. Wow, I didn't know that much about Arthurian Legend, but now I know more than them! I wonder how I'll be able to bring it up in random conversation, though, so that my parents don't catch on. Maybe I'll tell them that I'm becoming a history buff.

Believe it or not, I was able to hide my thoughts from dad. It wasn't easy, and I'm sure he'll figure it out later, but at least I can't get in trouble if I've already gone. Well, I _can_, but he can't prevent me from going! I did all of my Vegas research and everything at school (it's not like they teach anything) and then when I was at home I researched resorts in Seattle to stay at. I convinced them that I am old enough to go to the airport by myself, so they didn't see my ticket. Dad insisted on driving me their though. He was so sweet, asking if I had everything I needed and if there were any problems to call him. I played the role of good daughter until I was out of his sight. Then I headed to the Vegas airline and voila! Here I am.

You may be wondering how I paid for it. Well, I have my own credit card. Yes, mom and dad pay the bill, but they won't get it until _after_ the trip. They won't blow a gasket at the cost, that doesn't faze them. They'll blow a gasket that I lied to them. But as I said, the trip will be long behind me then and there won't be much they can do about it. Dad will ground me and I will give him my weepy eyes and it will melt his dead heart. I have him wrapped around my finger.

I feel like a rebel now. Is this how teenagers are supposed to act? Rebelling against authority and refusing to listen? I must admit, I like it. I have no idea where this new confidence has come from, but it seems to have risen since Christmas. I guess spending the night with Nathan did things to me that I didn't expect.

Speaking of which, I haven't heard much from him. I don't think he even knows I'm here in Las Vegas. If so, I'm sure he would want to come with me. The only ones who know are Jacob and Sally. Sally was happy that I was doing this. She wanted to come, but had to attend her therapy session regarding her incident with Corey. Jacob had to know so he could create the fake id I will use to get into the casino. He wouldn't make it without knowing why. And, being Jacob, he had to put in his two cents, letting me know why it was a bad idea. "You've changed, Nessie," he said. "You're not the same sweet girl of a few months ago." I wanted to scream at him "that's what sex does do a person, idiot. Try getting some and then lecture to me!" But I didn't. I don't want to hurt him like that. He seems to think I'm so pure and innocent that I can't let it go. But I'm not anymore and I like this new me.

This new me also has more confidence. In fact, earlier in the week Kaitlyn tried giving me shit. She called me a "freak" again and said Nathan was one as well. She said that normal human beings aren't as pale as we are and so there's something wrong with us. In short, we were "freaks" due to our paleness. I told her to kiss my ass. You should have seen the look on her face! And her friends! Actually, a few smiled at me for standing up to her and she was speechless. Later at lunch, they came over to me and said they were proud of me. They still sat with her, but ever since then they've been smiling at me and saying "hi." If I had known that telling Kaitlyn off would result in new friends, I would have done it a long time ago.

Brb, someone at the door…

_********************************Five hours later***************************************_

I am _so_ sorry for the delay. Nathan is here! He followed me to Vegas! I am _still_ in shock. He apologized profusely for pushing me away. He said that it had nothing to do with me; Sally's ordeal just shook him hard. I told him that I know it's hard to deal with the fact that you are the product of a rape, let alone vampire rape! He feels that he is not good for me because of it. "I have issues," he said. "We are both half-lings, but I am the one who was the result of an evil deed. How much of my father is in me?" We have spent the past three hours talking through everything.

I told him that it hurt that he pushed me away, but I understood. I still have friends who care enough to take me out. He confessed that he knew Jacob took me out for Valentine's Day and that infuriated him, but until he was better he couldn't be angry at me. I asked him why he followed me to Vegas and he said he wanted another chance. "This is the perfect opportunity," he said. "What better place to start anew than in Las Vegas?" I told him that Forks is a good place to start anew. He didn't answer me; I think he has something up his sleeve.

Okay, so we spent three hours talking; what did we do for the remaining two hours? Getting "reacquainted," you could say. He was very sweet and gentle, making sure my needs were met. He kissed me like he would never get to again; God how I _love_ his kiss! I guess my going to Vegas made him realize what his existence would be like without me. Well, I'm glad to be the recipient of those kisses. They make me melt. And you should feel how his strong lips feel on my neck! I swear I was his as soon as he did that.

He is now glaring at me as I write this entry; he thinks I should be in his arms and letting him worship me. I told him that he can take a time out while I update my diary. LOL! I just looked over at him and he pulled the sheet up over his eyes. I _know_ the light doesn't hurt him, but it is still funny to see. Oh, now his hand is stalking towards me, slowly. I should probably let you go….

Haha! I sat down on the couch in the room. Now he's pouting. I told him there's nothing wrong with a little tease. He stuck his tongue out at me. _So_ human! And so adorable! I can't wait to spend the rest of the Las Vegas trip with him. Sure, my plans have changed a bit, but now I think they're better. Besides, I can always return by myself someday.

Oh, crap! What am I going to do when mom and dad find out about _this?_

**A/N**: So what does Nathan have up his sleeve?

Thanks so much for reading! Please review.


	50. March 28

**A/N: **For once, I got the chapter up as promised. I hope you enjoy.

March 28

Dear Diary,

I am writing this on the plane back home. Nathan is by my side, eagerly reading what I am writing. I'd slug him, but it would do no good.

Remember how I said he had something up his sleeve the other day? Well, I was right. He said that "since we are in Vegas, we should get married." I looked at him like he was crazy. At first, I figured he was kidding. But as he went on, I realized he was dead serious! I told him we can't get married. First off, I'm too young. I know mom was eighteen when she married dad, but that was because she wanted to be a vampire. She agreed to marry him before she was turned. I already have the luxury (if you can call it that) of already being half-vampire. So I don't need to get married.

He agreed that we are young, but he knows that I am his mate. I told him that was great, but I have not made up my mind. I reminded him that I am _still_ betrothed to Jacob. He got angry when I said that. Luckily, he loves me and I was able to talk him out of that ridiculous idea. Yes, I will get married someday, _maybe_ to him, but right now I'm too young.

Sorry, Nathan decided to push a button and screw me up. I did slug him this time. It did no good. Now he is laughing at me and I have a hurt hand. Ass.

So anyways, we decided to not get hitched. But he refused to completely give up the idea, so he bought me a promise ring. So now, I am promised to _two_ men. When in hell did I become a polyandrist? Is that even a word? I think I need to slug him again.

I will figure out what to do. I know that mom and dad still want me to be with Jacob. For mom, it's mostly because Jake is her friend. Personally, I think dad could care less. He just goes along with what mom says. I think he's worried if he doesn't he won't get to see her in the skimpy lingerie she just bought. So yeah, it is good for him to be on her side, even if it goes against what I want.

Is that what I want? I don't know. I am happy Nathan is with me, despite my threats to slug him, but will I want him for the rest of my existence? I know Jake won't be around forever. And what if he imprints on someone else? It _could_ happen. A few of the wolves have done it. Paul is one of them. He imprinted on Emily's daughter a few years ago and then just last week imprinted on a new resident to the reservation. Course, I've always thought Paul was nuts; this just confirms it.

**This is Nathan. I have stolen the laptop from Nessie and am now writing in it. As she slugged me, **_**twice**_**, she is now in time-out and not allowed to play with things. That includes me, haha. Yes, I did propose and am a little hurt that she said 'no.' But I won't give up. Her vampire father kept asking her then-human mother to marry him about a million times before she relented. If he can wear her down, I can wear Nessie down. And I will! And then I will kick Jacob's ass for even **_**thinking**_** of touching my girl. And I will strike down any other guy who looks in her direction. It's not her fault she's too beautiful for her own good, but someone has to keep her in line. That someone is me, hehe.**

I slugged him again and have taken the laptop back. This time, I will make sure he doesn't get it. The person sitting behind us has kicked our seat twice to get us to shut up. But as it is daytime, I will ignore them. Had it been late at night, I would comply because people would sleep. But it is currently 11 am; so no, I won't be quiet. Ass.

Anyways, I think I'll sign-off. I can't wait to go home and see my friends in school tomorrow. I'm sure they'll all ask about the ring. And I'll have to hide it when Jacob is around. Maybe I'll wear it on my right hand….

The pilot just announced that we have to turn off all electronics. Shutting down. Talk to you back in Forks!

**Goodbye!**

**A/**N: I hope you liked the Nathan interruption. I figured there should be a light entry for Christmas. I am on vacation next week so hopefully I can get one (or even two) chapters up before the New Year.

Thanks for reading. Please review!

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate!


	51. April 6

April 6

Dear Diary,

Corey's body has been discovered. It was found in the river in Port Angeles yesterday. He had been there at least a month, apparently. The cause of death was a broken neck.

That didn't surprise me. I knew he would turn up eventually. What did surprise me, though, is who killed him.

Aunt Rosalie.

She told us that after finding out what he did to Sally, she began stalking him. She knew he would do it again and again and had to be taken down. After three more rapes, she lured him to Port Angeles where she killed him. I could tell by the way she spoke she had no remorse.

I am so proud of her.

And so is everyone else! Even Grandpa Carlisle. He said that he would have appreciated Corey going to jail, but knew that Sally's story hit home with Aunt Rosalie. She apparently spoke to Grandpa, saying that it was only best for that scum of the Earth to be six feet under it. Carlisle agreed, immediately picking up on her behavior. While Grandpa Carlisle can't read minds like dad, or emotions like Uncle Jasper, he knows his family. He knew that it was killing Aunt Rosalie to see Sally go through this.

Once she found out about her, Rose also began following her. She stayed a safe distance obviously, but needed to make sure Sally was okay. I was quite touched at her well-being for my best friend. Others would find it creepy, but I knew she meant well. She said that Sally had the classic signs of a rape victim. And because she didn't get the chance to go through that as a human, Rosalie snapped in a sense.

She did act like a rape victim after she was turned, but it wasn't the same. She couldn't go to counseling, she couldn't talk to humans. She was turned right after it happened, after Grandpa Carlisle smelled the blood. After she got her revenge, she plummeted into depression. Carlisle and Esme helped her, luckily, but dad was no help. With his mind-reading, he would try to sympathize and she would go off on him. She didn't really care for him during those days anyways, so it was easy to yell and hate him. Dad took it because he knew she didn't mean it.

So yeah, she did get her pain out. But it was different. And now she saw what Sally was going through and decided that shouldn't be. Grandma Esme reminded her that Sally will still go through that, even with Corey dead. Aunt Rosalie agreed, but said this might be the closure that she needed.

We all love Rosalie and won't judge her. And, thank God, we won't have to move. She was inconspicuous enough that no one will link us to him. Though they know I am a friend of the rape victim, what good would it do me, or my family, to end him? None. So we're safe.

I told Aunt Rosalie later that I was proud of her. I said that had I found Corey, I probably would have drained him. I know that's not nice and not humane, but he hurt my best friend. My humanity went out the window as soon as I saw her. Besides, humans get revenge on creeps like Corey all the time. My human side was gone and I was purely running on my vampire side. I wouldn't have let him off so easily.

She sighed. "That's why I wanted to find him first," she told me. "I didn't want you to have the guilt with killing another human. Even if he deserved it, which he did, you still have empathy and a heart. You would have regretted it at some point. And that regret would carry over into your vampire life."

Since Aunt Rosalie has been a vampire for years, she felt very little when she snapped his neck. "Bones, mainly," she responded when I asked what she felt. Human emotions are buried deep in vampires, but every so often they surface. This usually happens when they fall in love. Then they are more prone to those emotions. However, in a case like this, it was pure vampire instinct. Corey was scum and had to be taken care of. "He will be an example for others."

If she had been able to cry, Aunt Rosalie would have. Instead, she buried her face in Uncle Emmett's shoulder and he held and comforted her. He knows her better than the rest of us and knows how what to do. I felt bad; she did that for me. For my friend. How do I repay her for that?

Nathan was shocked when I told him. I made him swear to not say anything when he's over; I don't want them to know he knows. He promised. He said that he suspected I took him out, or Sally's father. He knew Corey was dead, though. Nathan has had a strange experience lately; he's beginning to develop a talent. He said that he had a calming feeling, like peace, letting him know Corey was dead. I commented that he was like Uncle Jasper. He said no, Uncle Jasper was an empath. He lives in a constant state of emotion. Nathan's "talent" is more limited. He had a feeling that Corey was dead, that's all.

Then he told me he's had that feeling before. He said that he knew I had left Forks last week because of a cold chill that went down his spine. "I can't describe it, but I knew it was about you," he said. Then he told me that he text Sally to find out where I was. She said Las Vegas and he was on the next flight out. I asked why he didn't call my parents and alert them and he "knew not to." I have _no_ idea what that meant.

But yeah, Nathan apparently will have a talent when he's a full vamp. I wonder if I will? Mom and dad said I had some power when I was younger, but it seems to have faded with my teen years. That's not to say it won't come back when my humanness is gone. Right now, though, I don't miss it. It would be just one more thing I would have to deal with. I have strength, speed and inkling to drink blood; I don't need anything else. I'm enough of a freak as it is.

I think it's neat that Nathan has that talent. He is just one more who does. I have been wondering if the Volturi can explain why some of us have talents and some don't. Aro would know, at least I think. Maybe I will find a way to talk to him. Course, Jane has a talent. From what I've heard, she's a real bitch. Her talent is awesome! I would love to inflict pain with just my eyes. Dad told me the story of when she used her stare of him. Mom was human and they were trying to get away from the Volturi. Dad had thought she was dead and went to them to kill him, but they refused. And dad, being dad, took measures into his own hands. Luckily, mom got to him and everything turned out alright. But at one point, dad had to defend mom and Jane struck him down with her eyes. He said it was excruciating! Mom didn't feel a thing. I'm guessing it's because she was human. So I wonder if I would have the same reaction. If I visit while I'm still a half-ling, maybe both my vampire side and my human side would react. I might be in partial pain while the human side is numb.

Hmmm…can I take another trip soon? Probably not. But the Volturi has been interested in my family more and more lately. I don't know if that's a good sign or not. Aro wants dad and Aunt Alice to join them. Sometimes I think he is so stupid! He should realize that as long as mom and Uncle Jasper are around, it will never happen. Hell, anyone in my family wouldn't allow them to go. He is an idiot if the thinks they would.

I shudder to wonder what they would want with me.

**A/N**: I would have posted this on Sunday, but my internet was fail.

Thanks so much for reading! Please review and Happy New Year!


	52. April 10

**A/N**: This chapter is short, sorry!

April 10

Dear Diary,

I MET TAYLOR LAUTNER! Squee! Sorry, I am just _so_ excited. They had a raffle to meet him after the premiere of his movie and my number was chosen! Leslie was _so_ jealous. And Taylor is so nice! He took my hand and squeezed it and kissed my cheek. When I told him my name, he said "well, Renesmee, it's very nice to meet you. I will remember you because of your unique name." SWOON!

And his smell! Woodsy and athletic; God it smelled good. His black tee-shirt was snug against his muscles and his jeans were tight. I really wanted to pinch his ass but restrained myself. I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate it.

You should have seen some of the girls that threw themselves at him! Hilarious and scary as hell! One asked him to sign her bra (while she was wearing it) and another asked him to bite her. I didn't understand that until I saw the movie. He's a werewolf and bites his girlfriend to get her blood. It's supposed to switch the virus to her from him. And then he has to kill her. Great movie! His acting was out of this world. I could see his pain when he went after her and when he phased; much like Jacob.

Anyways, yes, a girl wanted him to bite her. Taylor just raised an eyebrow like "seriously?" But he's used to that. Unfortunately, this is not the first time a girl has asked to be bitten by him. I nearly asked if he wanted to be bitten by me. Now, _that_ would be funny. But I restrained myself; the last thing he needs is another psycho fan. He gets enough of that every day. Hmmm…maybe I should apply to be his bodyguard. Virtually indestructible and not afraid to bear my fangs, so to speak. I might have my career path down….

We had our picture taken together and it's already hanging up in my locker. Mom warned me that it might be stolen. I said "why would anyone want a picture of me?" She reminded me that scissors exist and they could easily manipulate the picture. That was a good point so I had a copy made. _That_ is in my locker. The original one is at home, right near my bed. Nathan said he's not going near it while Taylor is there. I think I can convince him otherwise. All it takes is a little persuasion.

Nathan refused to come to the Taylor night. He said that was for girls and he's not a huge fan. I immediately challenged him and asked what he's seen him in. Nathan replied "nothing. I just don't like someone who's hotter than me." I rolled my eyes and reminded him that Taylor is fantasy; I may _say_ I would like to have his babies, but that doesn't mean it'll happen. I'm much more likely to have Nathan's. And he is good looking enough for me. After I told him that, his eyes narrowed. "Taylor also reminds me of Jacob. They have the same build." Ah, now we are at the heart of the matter. He doesn't like Taylor because Jake is competition. Boys are so dumb!

Leslie was bragging at school today about my meeting Taylor. Believe me, word travels fast. Even Kaitlyn was jealous. "Great," she said. "He comes to Forks and meets the freak. Great impression on our little town." I retorted back that she was a bitch and Nathan growled at her. He actually growled! I try to keep my vampiric side at bay, at least at school to avoid exposure. He apparently didn't care. I asked my dad about this and he said that Nathan may feel that he has nothing to lose. I pointed out that people will put two-and-two together and figure out that I'm the same way. Dad shook his head. "Not necessarily. We Cullens are very good at covering our tracks." But we both have the same iridescent skin color and a taste for blood. Word will get around. However, after Nathan growled at Kaitlyn, she left us alone for awhile. So maybe things will be okay.

I have to say it again. I MET TAYLOR LAUTNER! Okay, I'm done for a few minutes. Seriously, this was probably the highlight of my life. I don't want to say my existence as I hope to meet other celebrities, but this is the first one during my _lifetime._ I'm thinking another trip to Los Angeles might have to be planned to go star gazing. I would die if I saw Robert Downey Jr (and I mean literally). There is just something about him that is oh-so-sexy.

Carmen, being Carmen, kept going on about how Robert Pattinson is so much better looking than Lautner is yada, yada, yada. I don't see it, maybe it's because he looks like my father. They have the same jaw line and wild hair. I reminded her of that. She didn't seem to notice. She doesn't know that my father is a vampire so maybe she sees the pale skin and doesn't think they look alike. I don't know. She's dumb.

Well, well, well. Interesting turn of events. Nathan has appeared outside my window. Looks like he wants to come in. Hmmm…Taylor Lautner picture by the bed, boyfriend outside. What to do? What to do?

**A/N**: I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

I truly am sorry for the delays; they are not intentional. I hope that once I have found my rhythm I can update more frequently.

Thanks for reading!


	53. April 20

April 20

Dear Diary,

I hung out with Jacob today. He seemed different, withdrawn. I asked him what was wrong and he wouldn't tell me. I'm worried about him. I asked dad to read his mind but apparently Jacob's blocked it. Dad got nothing from him. Mom said that Jacob's okay; he's probably just having a rough time. I told her that I can't help him if I don't know what the problem is.

"Maybe this isn't your concern Nessie," she said to me. "He has the wolves to deal with; maybe something has happened with them. Let him be." When her back was turned, I stuck my tongue out at her. I know she's right; not everything revolves around me, but still. I want to help and I can't. That drives me nuts.

Dad is worried. He said that Jacob only blocks him when it concerns us. When he doesn't want us to know something important, Jacob suddenly starts reciting Poe in his head. Reciting Poe surprised me as well; I had _no_ idea he liked him. I'm a fan of Edgar Allan Poe; I have his entire collection in my room. But I didn't think _Jacob_ would be the type to like him. But then again, people find ways of surprising me.

Take Carmen for example. It turns out that she's been secretly hanging with Kaitlyn this entire year. Kaitlyn is _such_ a bitch; she's been trying to find out information about my family and myself to expose me as the "freak" I am. And she enlisted Carmen to do it. So much for her friendship!

Guess how I found out? One of Kaitlyn's cronies, Emily, told me. She said that if I expose her she will deny it and since it's my word against her, I will look like the fool. I promised anonymity but don't trust her. Just because she said something doesn't mean she actually cares. She's looking to benefit herself and no one else. Seems like Kaitlyn's crew.

I thank God that Carmen doesn't know my secret. I'm sure she told her a few things, but luckily it's nothing that can link me to being a vampire. Sally was _shocked_ when I told her. "I'm your best friend; you know that I would _never_ tell anyone. I love you too much for that." And that is why Sally is my best friend; she is just awesome.

Nathan was _pissed_! He wanted to teach Carmen a lesson. I told him that shedding a human's blood was no way to react. He told me that he wasn't talking about killing Carmen. "That would be too good for her," he said. No, he wants to royally embarrass her in front of the whole school. "We expose her for the fool she is and Kaitlyn won't want anything to do with her." I don't know if I want that though. Yes, I'm hurt about what Carmen did, but she was a friend. Or so I thought. Do I execute revenge of some sort? Or act indifferent and hope everything blows over? Revenge shows I care, indifference shows I don't. If she and Kaitlyn are doing this to get a rise out of me, retaliation shows they have succeeded. But indifference does not give them any satisfaction. Decisions, decisions….

Leslie knows. I don't know if I told you that before. Nathan told her against his better judgment. But he said she's his best friend and if mine knows, why not his? I trust Leslie; she was awesome at cheerleading camp last summer. She totally took me under her wing this year and I love her dearly. I'm so glad that I have one more year with her.

Speaking of that, we are starting to look at colleges. My parents want me to go someplace without much sun so they can visit. I want to go to NYU. There's something about a college in a huge city that seems exciting. Aunt Rosalie is all for my decision, my parents not so much. I think we'll plan a trip to see what they offer, along with the U of Seattle and the U of Alaska. I promised them I would look at those schools as long as they looked and NYU. They agreed. I know they think I'll give in to them. I will _only_ if I think it'll be the right choice for _me_.

Oh! I'm going to Volterra this summer for a month. It was mom's idea. She thinks that I should learn some things from Aro, Marcus and Caius. "You won't be a human forever," she told me. "Might as well learn from the best." Is she on drugs? I mean, _seriously_? I told her the best vampire education for me was my family. She agreed, but wants me to get to know Aro. I wonder if she has a plan.

Dad is completely against the idea. He knows how ruthless Aro is and what if he doesn't give me back? There's talk that he might want to keep me in Volterra and join the Volturi. I don't want that! I want to experience the rest of my human life and then experience my existence. How the hell can I do that if I'm trapped at Volterra?

Grandpa Carlisle is siding with mom. He is _so_ naïve when it comes to Aro. He doesn't believe that Aro would kill his own kind without cause. I reminded him that I was the "cause" for him to almost execute all of them a few years ago. Basically, you look at Aro wrong and he can execute you. I don't trust him, but Grandpa Carlisle thinks I'm being foolish. That my human feelings are clouding my judgment. What the hell judgment do I need if I don't trust the guy? Wouldn't the fact that I don't trust him indicate my vampiric side is alive and well? Maybe I can convince Grandpa Carlisle to go….

Nathan plans to follow to Volterra. He said he can't be without me. I reminded him that Aro isn't aware he exists; he might rain Hell down on him. "I can be discreet," he told me. Then he smiled. "It took you a long time to figure out what I was. I can surely fool that idiot." He has a point!

I haven't said anything to Jacob yet. Knowing him, he'll freak out. He seems to think that he knows what's best for me. I know he experienced the Volturi when I was younger, but this is different. Aro wants _me_ to join them; God knows what he would have me do. I'm assuming if I am one of the Volturi, then he can get dad and Aunt Alice as well. It's no secret he's been campaigning for them for awhile. He can't understand why they won't leave the Cullen clan to be with "the best." Apparently, Aro has no concept of the word "family." So that's why he wants me; I can be the collateral to get them. I told mom this and she disagreed. "Edward and Alice would _never_ join them and he knows that. He just wants to get to know the most unique person in the world. Who knows? Maybe after that he will realize that half-lings _can_ exist and vampires don't have to be so afraid."

I think my mother is full of shit.

We are still ironing out the details of the trip, but it sounds like I'll leave the first part of July. They want me to have _some_ summer at home. Italy in July should be hot…not to mention sunny. Great. So I won't sparkle and I won't tan. I'll be in a place where I don't speak a word and trapped in a castle with men whom I don't trust. Great summer for me!

I really hope Nathan makes it. They can be very persuasive about discouraging visitors and I'm worried that they'll hurt him when he refuses. Nathan is like my dad; they are both incredibly stubborn. But he's promised me that he'll keep his status a secret. Since he has pale skin like me, he says he can pass. I reminded him that his heart beats and his eyes are brown. "Contacts are great," he replied. He is still figuring out the heartbeat situation. In the meantime, I think he's nuts.

So yay, there's my big news. I really wish I had more to share, but I don't. Basically, I'm worried about Jacob, Carmen is a traitorous bitch, college is on the horizon and Volterra calls. Wish I had more to share….

**A/N**: The plot thickens….

Thanks for reading! I truly, truly appreciate all of you.


	54. April 28

**A/N**: I'm sure you hate me for the delay. It's okay, I do too. I'm hoping that I won't have to place this on sabbatical for a month or so while I get things sorted out. As of now, no, but I'll keep you posted.

April 28

Dear Diary,

Today was interesting. Leslie decided to confront Carmen about her betrayal. I decided to skip the action; I wanted it to seem like I didn't care. Leslie agreed that would be best, but she said she "had to know" what Carmen's game was. She made sure to fill me in on everything once it was over. She took Nathan with her to scare Carmen into talking. Needless to say, it did not go as planned.

Carmen never said anything. She seemed "offended" that we would accuse her of not being a friend. Leslie kept Emily's id a secret but told her that we have a solid source of information. "This person is part of Kaitlyn's group," she told Carmen. Carmen said that if that was true, the betrayer would never live it down once Kaitlyn finds out who it is. Leslie said "I am telling you the truth and if she needs protection, we can give her that." Nathan smiled smugly at that.

He remained quiet throughout the confrontation and had to keep counting to one hundred so he didn't snap and go off on Carmen. He was fighting his eyes changing color. Their natural color is brown but due to his anger they would become deep black. Kind-of like ours when we get excited or angry. He had to remind himself that changing his appearance wouldn't help the situation. If anything, it would make us more of a target. And the last thing we can afford to do is expose ourselves. Leslie and Sally may know who we are, but the fewer humans that know, the better.

Dad said that they shouldn't know. I reminded him that he said it was okay that I tell Sally; having my best friend know what I am can be an ally and not an enemy. He agreed but said that Leslie might not be as trustworthy. I told him that was Nathan's department and he will deal with consequences if there are any. Dad said it's easier for people to think us "freaks" than to know what we are. I told him I agreed, but since they know they can keep their ear to the ground for any rumors that start to fly. And then we can take care of them.

I reminded dad that he took a risk letting mom know. I know he fell in love with her, but it still could have proved deadly. Had she not been the awesome person she is, she would have revealed them and then they would have had to kill her. Uncle Jasper and Aunt Rosalie wanted to in the beginning when they were afraid that dad's saving her from the van would prove costly. I know they regret that now because mom has proven herself time and time again. Plus, had she died I wouldn't be around. I like to think that they like me. I often remind Rosalie of that when she starts ragging on mom. Then she hisses that mom isn't the same now as she was when human. "She was a wimp. Well, what do you expect? She _was_ human. It's much better now." I know that she still resents mom sometimes but there is no reason for it. It wasn't like she had any romantic feelings for my dad; just the opposite in fact. But I know that she felt threatened because dad found mom more beautiful than her.

Well, what do you expect when you're as vain as my aunt? Seriously, I love her, but sometimes I wish Grandpa had found someone else to change. She can really be a pain in the ass. The other day we were at the mall and two teenage guys could not take their eyes off of her. Being the bitch she is, she snapped at them, but still wiggled her ass as she passed them and flipped her hair behind her shoulder. She said it was a great way at messing with the humans. I told her she was a piece of work and wondered how Emmett put up with her. I know they love each other; I've seen how affectionate they can be. But still!

Brb, dad at the door.

OMG! Jacob is missing. I have _no_ idea what happened and no one has any information. I have to go for now. I'll keep you updated.

**A/N**: It's short, I know. I apologize. But the question is, where is Jacob?


	55. May 1

May 1

Dear Diary,

Jacob is still missing. No one has heard from him at all. The wolves are not able to communicate with their telepathy. His phone was left at home, along with his wallet. We are suspecting someone took him.

Aunt Alice has not had any leads either. It's strange; it's like he disappeared from the face of the Earth. But that's not possible…right?

I'm worried. Not only am I worried about him being gone, but I'm worried for mom as well. Jacob was her friend and she has not taken the news well. She seems to be in a trance all the time. I had to actually throw something at her head to get her attention last night. Then she spaced off in the middle of talking to me. I gave up and asked Uncle Emmett for help with my math homework.

I suspect the Volturi are behind it. But I don't dare tell any of them; they'd just laugh at me. For some reason, they are content to think that the Volturi mean no harm to us. I tried reminding them once that they came to kill me. You know what Grandpa Carlisle's answer was? "They didn't understand. Once they knew you weren't dangerous, they left us alone. They were doing what the rest of us did; protecting us."

Bullshit.

For some reason, my whole family has been brainwashed. I never thought it possible, but there is some spell on them that causes them to forget the Volturi are bad. Did they pass through and we not know?

Brb….

That was weird. You ever have the feeling you're being watched? I just did. I looked outside, thinking maybe Nathan was waiting for me to sense him, but I didn't see anyone. Yet, I felt like someone's eyes were boring into me. I continued to feel that way even though I shut the blinds. And then my cell phone rang and it was an unknown number. I'm not stupid enough to answer a call from someone I don't know, so I let it go to voicemail. Whoever was on the other line hung up and called back. So now I have two missed calls and no messages. I am thoroughly creeped now.

Dad is yelling for me to come downstairs. He wants to hunt before we figure out our next course of action. I'll keep you informed!

**A/N: So sorry about the shortness! But it was my intention. I hope it adds a bit of intrigue. Any thoughts where Jacob is?**

**Thanks so much for reading!**


	56. May 9

**A/N**: My apologies for the inconsistency in updating. I am not making excuses, just explanations. I am currently working on my Master's degree and at times it's kicking my butt! That combined with two jobs and a cat doesn't make for much free time. I hope you will continue with this story as I am planning on continuing with it.

May 9

Dear Diary,

As I write this, I am on a plane to Volterra. We received word that Jacob is there. Apparently he went there _willingly_ to ask them for my hand. Why them and not my parents I will never know, but Aro had great fun with him. They have kept him alive because knowing Aro, he thinks he can get something out of us. He still has not let up on the idea of dad and Aunt Alice joining them. Like my mom and Uncle Jasper don't matter. He doesn't realize that they never will.

So, against my parents' orders, I hopped a plane to get Jacob back. I know this could be _very_ bad but I had to do something. I couldn't just sit at home and wait for them to return. He went there because of me; I _had_ to do something.

Uncle Emmett understood and helped me out. He said that Jacob is important to the family and they should let me go. He is actually sitting here next to me watching as I write this. This is one of the many reasons I love Uncle Emmett; he is just so awesome when I need him to be. He said that I will go to Volterra, demand Jacob and refuse anything Aro wants. Meanwhile, he will bust in and get him out. Sounds easy, right? Well, you know it won't be. I don't expect _anything_ with the Volturi to be easy. I'm convinced Aro won't let me go without some sort of compromise. I am prepared to fight and once Jacob is safe, Emmett will help me. But that still doesn't make me feel better.

**E:/ Uncle Emmett rocks!**

Yeah, that was Emmett. I have effectively broken his fingers and forbade him to touch my laptop again. Now he is pretending to pout. The stewardess shushed us after he let out a very girly scream and I laughed. Apparently she thought we were too loud for the small cabin. Whatever. I told Emmett if she bothers us again to suck her dry. He seemed happy to do it.

Anyways, I need to get my mind off of Jacob for a bit, so let's see what else you need to know….

Sally is making great strides in her therapy. We were a bit skeptic at first because she felt she didn't need it, but it turns out that she did. Grandpa Carlisle had informed her that her rape does not mean she's mentally unstable. It just meant that she may have repressed feelings or nightmares or something. She did. She is happy now that she knows that she doesn't have to hide her emotions. She believed at first that the only way to get through what happened was to hide and pretend it didn't happen. Aunt Rosalie told her, speaking from experience, that the only way to get over it is to acknowledge that it happened and move on. Once Sally did that, she became a totally different person.

Regardless, I love her no matter what.

What else?

Nathan and I had another _special_ night. It was last night. He doesn't want me to go to Volterra but understands why I'm doing it. He said that Jacob is a rival and he wants to "mark his place." At first I thought he was being serious, and then I saw the smile. Nathan can be such an ass! But I love him dearly. So, needless to say, I stayed with him last night. And again, it was magical. He does everything right and seems to know me better than I know myself. We fell asleep in each other's arms, perfectly content.

Uncle Emmett just saw what I wrote and is threatening to call dad. I told him if he does, I'll make sure Aunt Rosalie doesn't have sex with him for six months. That shut him up. Uncle Emmett is _so_ easy to manipulate. I also told him that he has to block his thoughts when he returns so dad doesn't read them then. "You're no fun," he told me. "Just like your dad." I'll take that as a compliment.

And his broken fingers are hilarious too! He is trying to snap them back into place, but there's a girl across the aisle watching us. She saw his hand and started screeching. He's trying to be subtle about it so he can shut her up, but it's not working. I'm afraid the stewardess is going to try to kick us off the plane even though it's in mid-air. Either that, or place us on the "no-fly" list.

Okay, I really want Uncle Emmett to eat her now.

The pilot just announced the descent into Volterra, so I will sign-off. I hope to have good news for you soon. Wish us luck!

**E:/ Uncle Emmett rocks!**

**A/N: **Thanks SO much for reading! I truly, truly appreciate it.


	57. Update

Hello! I wanted to thank you for your interest in Vampire Diaries. I am sorry you have had to wait so long for an update. I hope to get one up in the next few weeks. I hate when people write stories and leave you hanging without any explanation, and yet that is exactly what I have done. Real life has been hectic, but it is hectic for everyone, and so that excuse does not fly. I have finished my Master's degree so hopefully I will have more time to devote to writing.

I hope you will continue with the story once I get it updated. There is plenty more adventure to come. Renesmee needs to save Jacob from the Volturi, but will Aro let her leave? What will happen with her relationship with Nathan? Will Emmett become her favorite uncle?

See you soon. Thanks!


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